Christmas Time.

I don't know if I have a TON of love languages but my main love language is gift giving. I LOVE it. I only wished I still worked so I could get more for other people. I LOVE seeing people's faces when they get something they want. Is that weird? I really don't care.... I love it.

I already have everyone set and bought for and wrapped. The house looks like Santa had too much egg nog and puked everywhere. And I also... LOVE it.

My family tolerates it.... or at least they don't say anything, and that's okay by me.

It is probably my last year for a while that I can go all out, lord help us when Dallas starts walking. Everything will be destroyed.

I am so thankful that we finally own our house. I am grateful that we are all healthy. I am happy I can rip down walls and no one (except for maybe my husband) will say anything.....

More than anything.... I love that I get to share this season with the two most adorable children ever... and lets be honest, they really are:

My cutie patooties. 

A Full Moon.

Has it really been over a year? 

Of course. On a Full Moon, while the kids are still awake I decided to start on my scrap book of my brother and our lives together. 

I was fine. I made it an hour into it and was really doing okay. It was a happy time for me. And then I found a picture of him, 13 or 14 years old, playing in the sand... building a sand castle with one of my high school friends during summer break. 

I made it to the bathroom before I broke down, barely, but I was heart broken. I was heartbroken because of our life choices... all of us. We complicate things. A decade later, just ten years, he is dead. And ten years before hand he was content building sand castles. That. That made him happy. Sand Castle's made him happy. And within ten years he is gone. 

I feel like some times we complicate life so much we loose ourselves. We may not die but we are lost. We are gone. Because it just gets so complicated. Things, Needs, WANTS, desires, demands, all complicate our lives. We can't be happy just 'being' anymore. Our worlds are so busy and so important that peace is lost. Calm is lost. Hope... then.... is lost. Especially during this season, what is important to you? Can you sit and be happy? Maybe not building sand castles but what is your sand castle?

My Sand Castle.

Never take for granted what you have, keep it simple. Keep it happy.

Crying over Spilled Milk.

It's not my first rodeo... I should know better. I was even warned that this would happen... and yet I still was blindsided. 

I cried today. 2 am-9 am on and off. I cried. I cried when I spilled his bottle. I cried when the swing wouldn't rock fast enough. I cried when he cried. I don't know, he may have cried when I cried. It's all a little bit of a blur. 

I love him. SO. MUCH. but I also love sleep. And I have a puppy and another child and a husband and a house to care for. And I had surgery two weeks ago.... and I am failing at taking care of anyone/thing else at the moment. I call it survival mode. Mommy survival mode. 

Some how I managed to wash bottles. reschedule doctor's appointments (I shouldn't be driving) and did a load of dishes. I still am sitting surrounded by toys from my oldest. Another load of dishes. Ingredients for a cheesecake that I promised I would make. laundry that is calling my name. But, I'm probably going to sit here for a second longer (or minute. or hour) and enjoy the fact I finally got a meal today (at noon) and though my coffee is now cold, I may just finish it anyway. 

Bills do have to be paid today and Dinner needs to be made... but I have till 5 pm... right? 

Worth every sleepless night. Krystal Shaw Photography :) 

One Week Postpartum.

I worked really hard on my body during pregnancy in the hopes that recovery would be fast and I would be able to bounce back faster. I have stuck to a VERY strict clean diet since I had him, and though the bloating is still there (our uterus is 11 times the size it was pre-pregnancy and takes 3-4 weeks to back to it's normal size and weight) I am feeling great.

I am back in my pre-pregnancy jeans. and a few pounds away from my wedding weight :) 

I have three goal weights in mind and I feel like when trying to get back in shape having mini goals instead of one big one is more attainable. 

Wedding Weight is the first goal... if you couldn't tell.

Though I cannot workout for 5 more weeks, I am going to work on myself in the kitchen until then!

This week Mr. Man had his first 'real' bath... and he was a fan, at least until it was over :) How stinking cute is he??

Dallas.

I had a baby!

Finally.

I never knew how happy it would make me to have him here, but I feel like everything has fallen into place. I have the love of my life and Mini and now I feel like life is complete. Dallas has joined in perfectly.

Now if only he got the memo when bedtime was life would be AWESOME. 

For now I think I am okay with him sleeping on me. I mean look at how adorable he is:

I think I'm going to join in on nap time too.

3 Days.

I'm going to be a mom of two in three days. 

I can't wait. 

Daisy and Dallas. 

It is going to be amazing. 

I went to my final OB appointment today and we made our plans for everything pre- and post- surgery, I'm so excited. 

I have gained a total of 22 pounds this pregnancy so I'm treating myself with hot chocolate and cold pizza for breakfast. Because in three days I will be on that fun stage of post-pregnancy, getting back to my pre- (pre-) baby weight. 

It is so much harder to plan a schedule around a c-section than I thought when you have a child (and a dog) and her school and activities....

My bags are packed and by the back door. Mini's weekend is in order. But still this week is busy, full of  appointments and last minute items that need to be taken care of. Because that's what you do when you're 42 weeks pregnant. 

67 hours till He's here.... not that I'm counting or anything. 

Thank you so much Krystal Shaw for capturing this special moment!

Grown UP.

I loathe Mondays. 

Monday is when I get Mini on the bus and I sit down to do the super exciting budget/bills/grocery list/menu planning and of course try to figure out all the house cleaning for the entire week. Which never goes as planned.

Today is especially ironic. 

I am sitting here having chocolate cake and paying bills. 

The true irony of adulthood.

The old adage, 'Have your cake and eat it too....' should really say, "Budget for your cake, make a grocery list for the items you need, bake at 350 for 30 minutes, let it cool, ice it, and then have an appropriate sized piece when ready to serve... but know this, since you're an adult... you still have the option to eat it when ever you want." 

Right now I am planning the last 11 dinners before my c-section. (Unless he comes early) so I am writing out the menu, the recipes, and making the grocery list. 11 days left out of the possible 42 weeks he has incubated. And then he will be here. He will be in my arms. His face, his movements, his coo's will forever be etched into my heart, my brain, my love. It is getting so real, and yet I still can't picture it at all.

I remember the first moment I heard Mini cry. A wave of fierce protectiveness came over me, and softness all at once. I remember thinking that no one could understand how much I loved her in that moment... and it still holds true. I can't even begin to imagine loving another person in that way without my heart exploding, but I know it's going to happen. And it is going to be amazing. 

I finished my cake. I may have grabbed two more bites from the pan. With a clean fork of course. Because trying to budget this month is making my hair fall out. As an adult you immediately understand why. Don't you?

I am going to go back to being a grown up right now.... breathing through 'subtle' contractions... crying softly to myself.... maybe making myself a second cup of hot chocolate... and finishing my menu...

Because I'm a grown up. 

Love.

Throw Back Thursday.

My morning has been ruined.... It's 7 am and I bought low fat Pop-tarts. They are the worst. I don't even know how they can claim to be a Pop-tart. I lost a pound yesterday (though swollen beyond recognition from the chili I ate.... A LOT OF....) so I thought I would indulge in a Pop-tart. False.

Anyway.

Last week I was in the hospital. It was awful. My blood pressure was too high, I was shaking, and contracting..... It was really scary. Mr. Man almost came early. But they were able to get it under control and I came home on Thursday night last week. Now I get to see my Doctor every three days till Mr. decides to come.... or 42 weeks.... whichever comes first (Dallas, make this happen)

Saturday the dog got hurt. It was an 'accident' but I still blame myself. She's fine but we took her to the animal ER. It was scary. 

It was just not the finest week. This week was better though..... Any part not dealing with grownup life stuff.... as 38 weeks pregnant.  So yesterday was the highlight of the past week or so of craziness... yesterday I got to take awesome Maternity pictures with my friend of 7 years... who took my first preggo pictures 7 years ago when I was pregnant with Mini... at the same location.... before she ever knew she wanted to be a photographer! How crazy is that? As I imagined they are awesome. I look like a beached whale, but at a day shy of 39 weeks.... who doesn't? I mean there are men out there that look like they've been past due for the past 20 years.... so I feel pretty good about myself at this point. Especially after seeing Krystal Shaw's work (click here to find her site!). 

I swore I wouldn't do bare bump pictures... but then it happened :)

I can't believe next time I will be holding two babyloves.

All in all, life is happening, one step at a time... and I am just rolling with it. Crappy Pop-tarts and all.

There is no Such Thing as an Inactive Addict.

I don't believe in the inactive addict. Even if they are not using, their brain still functions as an addict... but I want to know more.

Once again I am researching and reading about drug addiction. I feel like it is something that I always come back to... wanting to understand more so I know how to handle addicts more, because once an addict... always an addict. Though they may not abuse drugs they still have the personality and character traits of an addict. 

Every time I research I am reassured, I love being educated. And no matter where I go lately I find that this is something that I am faced with. 

Today I read about the addicts tool belt. No matter if they are 'active' or not, they fall back on certain traits when they are overwhelmed or feel as though they cannot cope with what is going on around them. I have found these traits to all be true when dealing with addicts, no matter their addiction.... 

Addicts try to rationalize what they are doing to cope with life. They focus on deception, if no one asks what they are doing, they aren't really 'lying'. Little do they know or can comprehend, they are lying, they are lying to themselves and those that love them, they are deceiving their loved ones by breaking promises... they are lying to themselves by convincing themselves it's 'ok' to slip up just once... and this leads into the third trait... justification. This one I have witnessed so many times. They try to justify what they are taking, many times I've heard, "Well, this drug isn't as addictive as what I used to take... so it's okay." 

If you have to sneak it.... it's wrong. If you have to do any of these things (coping traits) to make what you are doing feel okay, it's wrong. But to an addict, I feel sometimes they lie so much to themselves that they don't know right and wrong anymore. 

Loving someone like this is just devastating. Because how do you know what else they are lying about? This is something that I am still researching. I feel like it is a different struggle for each loved one, whether a spouse, a parent, a sibling, etc. How do you love past the pain of knowing their limitations. 

In the mean time, knowledge is power and so is unconditional love. And you can always give love. That will never hurt you.

~

“Over time, hidden truths morph in the dark soil of deceit into something much worse.” 

― Patti Callahan Henry

Sunday Morning.

It's almost ten and we have had the perfect Sunday morning.

I've needed this for a while.

I'm content.

Gisele (The Pom) and I are sitting in the dinning room drinking coffee (chewing on a bone) surrounded by Pinterest and a Sephora bag full of goodies to help me get ready for church (we're trying a new one, I think the whole family is glad it doesn't start till 10:45.... we are not early risers on Sunday).

I've gotten to the point in pregnancy that my feet are the size of footballs. I accept this. There's really nothing I can do, I'm like a walking memory foam bed. I have started to refer to myself in third person as, 'THE TANK."

Now Gisele is cleaning the kitchen floor... she's so sweet like that.

Mr. S is power washing the deck... Mini is wandering the back yard.... barefoot and rocking some colorful Hello Kitty Pjs. This time last year we would have definitely not let her wander but I love that we live in the country now, she's pretty free to do whatever she wants. It reminds me of living on the farm when I was a kid. We don't have a farm but it's closer than not.

Mini educated Mr. S on 'My Little Pony' history this morning while he made breakfast.... and before that they played and fed our pet frogs.

Typing all that out and actually thinking about it all cracks me up.... we are very, eclectic.

I feel like our children will either be very sure of themselves or very unclear about life when they become adults.

You live in the country and you're being raised by two people who love fashion (and appreciate man material items) but also love hunting/the outdoors.... and you have pets that range from dog to snake to frogs (and soon chickens and a pygmy goat... Mr. S said no... but he'll change his mind ;)) and we live close enough to Chicago and bigger cities that you really never are stuck 'in the country'. I don't know what that makes our kids.... hopefully they will love it.

I want them to always feel free to get dirty, but clean up nice when they need too. I want them to remember their summers outside. NOT in front of a TV. I want them to use their imagination (I feel like that is being sucked away from kids these days) and I believe that at least out here, with a big yard, and weird entertaining animals and a quiet surrounding they will have the ability to do all that.

I should probably go get ready... but I just had to sit and stop and think for a bit. How different our lives are in just this past year.... and how crazy different they will be by next year. Who know's... maybe I can con Mr. S into a lamb or two.... or maybe a llama? A girl can dream ;)

Talk into my Good Ear.

I am a hot mess.

No really, just a gross mess right now. 

I have a sinus infection. Chest congestion. 'moderate to severe asthma' and a MASSIVE ear infection (I've never had an ear infection... ouch)

So I went to the Dr. and she said that I could probably use over the counter drops for it if I would like and then if that didn't work she would prescribe something.... 

The drops didn't work.

Last night I had warm olive oil Q tips in my ear (Google is going to be the death of me) while eating chicken noodle.... out of a can :( and half trying to hear the TV. 

I am a hot mess.

Stupidly this morning I tried to do it again, got distracted and ended up jamming the Q-tip in my ear. I'm exhausted. It happens. 

So I'm probably going to bleed internally from a ruptured ear drum.

I'm sure that is a logical reaction... right? 

NOW....

As I wait for a call back from my Dr. I officially cannot hear anything... any more... probably ever again.... out of my right ear.

I am looking into getting a hearing ear dog.

It sounds like an ocean with a heart beat constantly....

I am having glimpses of the Shining running through my head...

"All sickness and no hearing make Bethanie a dull boy."

This is my morning.

This, today, is my struggle.

What's the big Deal?

Over the past (almost) year I've been a pretty bad friend. 

A crappy friend. 

I noticed this not to long ago, while crying over a box of Thin Mints. 

No, not hormonal crying. Sad crying. I had just had a heart wrenching conversation with my daughter....

(We have decided to postpone telling her about my brother's passing, no... I don't care what you think. This is our process)

"Mom, what's so great about having a little brother? Do you like having one?"

My stomach dropped. 

In this moment I was mid-text to someone about to make plans to do something and I knew I was not going to make it after the conversation I was going to have to choke back tears through.....

"He will drive you nuts, but he will also be your best friend, he will stand by you no matter what, and at the end of the day when you grow up and are best friends in your teens and adulthood.... he will be the only person that knows sometimes there is nothing left to say after a crappy day.... sometimes after a crappy day you just need a Carmelo and a hug.... and someone to re-watch a Wes Anderson movie with you for the 1000th time. (Okay usually two Carmelo's)."

She looked at me confused.... I knew she wouldn't understand yet. But someday she will.

"Oh. But he's going to steal my toys... and be annoying."

"Yep, he will. But it'll be okay. That's his job. Just think he'll have toys you will probably steal too."

"That's true. Okay I'm going to play with Gisele and watch some My Little Pony."

After she left the room I crumbled a little. Because of everything. And it happens so much. More than I like to acknowledge. Because when I am around people that I love, that I'm friends with and they have that 'sibling' still that is their best friend... I get jealous. I get sad. I get..... overwhelmed. And then I pray they never have to watch a weird movie by themselves.... while being afraid to buy their favorite candy bar... just because it might, just might, hurt so much they'll implode. 

I'm sure it all seems so simple. So dramatic to an, 'outsider'. I hate looking at myself sometimes because I'm embarrassed at what all hurts still. All the simple little things. But they can wreck my day. My week. In the blink of an eye. And I admit I have no control yet over it. Will I ever? Who knows. 

I know it'll get better. Hopefully. And I'm sorry. 

And as the moment gets closer to when Mini will have that little 'bother', I pray she thinks he is as awesome as I know he will be. They could have everything and more if they get passed the 'annoyances' and just embrace being buddies. 

I hate he will never get to begrudgingly hold his nephew.... I can't believe this was almost 7 years ago. 

Substance Abuse.

Eleven years ago I would have skimmed passed that title and really not understood it. Ten years ago I would have understood it, but tried to ignore it. Eight years ago I would have already read the article attached... probably twice.

~

Many times in life we are taken to places we never imagined ourselves going too. We are usually taken to the last place we imagined ourselves being and we are forced to either learn from it or we repeat it over and over again.

That being said, in my life I have made my own choices that led me down paths that I have had to learn from and they were hard. They were invasive. They stretched me. And they eventually made me who I am today, I still am learning from them and healing from them and I am happy to know that in anyone's life there is always room for healing and growth.

But. (there is always a 'but', isn't there?) What has taken me for a ride, sometimes more than my own life choices, and definitely created a deeper constant growing pain in my life over the past decade is the life journey's of those I love around me.

~

Have you ever said, "I love you" and not known if that would be the last time they heard you say it? Or not known if those words had made it past the chemical battle going on in the other persons body? Have you ever looked at someone at 8 AM and been hugged by them and laughed with them... and then eight hours later they are cold, callus and distant? And there is nothing you can do, because you know it's the effects of something that has a much stronger hold on them than anything else in their life. It doesn't change your love for them, but you experience hurt so much deeper than you ever imagined, and they don't even know what you're feeling. They don't know what their choices (past and present) are doing to you. If you know what I'm talking about I want you to know, you are not alone. You are stronger than you think. You are a warrior. And even if they never have the ability to know your love and your hurt, they are so blessed for knowing you and having you in their life. (Even though sometimes the healthiest thing for you to do is not be there, while you are there for whatever time frame... you are an answer to a problem they don't even comprehend).

~

I have learned over the past decade that those who love drug addicts, drug abusers, substance abusers, they are silent warriors. They do not get near enough support and encouragement, and many times you don't even know what they are going through. There are more of them than you can even imagine. They wear a brave face and they try to live their lives, but when their phone rings, their heart races a little. They check police reports. They know the neighborhoods you don't want to go to like the back of their hand. They fall asleep sitting up most nights from exhaustion. They are weary. They are invincible... and most times they feel like they are barely hanging on.

~

I am rambling, but I have a lot on my mind. A lot of people. A lot of heavyhearted thoughts. A lot of love continuously going out to those that have an on going battle against something that took over their bodies long ago... and they need the love, they need the consistency, they need so much more. But it's not always easy. And it breaks your heart. Like a high school breakup, but over and over again, it breaks you. And you pick yourself back up, you wipe your tears, and you march on.... never fully being able to share your pain because it's just...too much.

I have love and have lost and still love many that have faced the ugly face of substance abuse. For some reason my life has taken that path over and over again, and I take it as a sign. After losing my brother, I knew I was meant to be apart of trying to aid in the battle against abuse. I just could not figure out in what capacity. Not until lately did something land on my heart. His heart failed because of years of weakening due to substance issues, but mine became stronger in time standing next to him, holding him, and sometimes even carrying him, 6'5" frame and all. I wasn't going to throw away a decade of research, life experiences, and an over abundance of knowledge because his battle was over, I feel like my battle has just only started.

I am going back to school. I am finishing my degree... but it won't be in finance, it's going to be in substance abuse. I want to arm myself with the education to work with loved one's that love substance abusers and I want to work with the abusers themselves. It is constantly on my heart. I pass someone in the store and I see their eyes, or the way they move their arms, the way they pause... and I know more now than I ever thought I would, and I don't want that to go to waste. I want to at least have the ability to help.

So that is my rambling. That is my heart. That is where I am. As I grieve and process the past decade, I want to arm myself with more knowledge than I ever knew before.

I will keep you all posted from time to time as I move in this new direction, but I am excited to know what my next step is, no matter how long it takes me. I know it won't be in vain.

2008. Love you kid.

33 weeks. (minus one day :))

My second mama and my second set of children (cousins) were in town today. And they forced me to eat unhealthy, fried everything food It was completely against my will... I hated every second of it. 

Seriously...

 So much fried greasy awesomeness.

And there was other real stuff I had to do. 

And then the joyous third trimester sickness/migraine hit. 

So I made my way home.... marinated my chicken (the family still has to eat...darn you migraine pain) and now I am trying to make it through blogging so I don't accidentally fall asleep before dinner is done and Mini goes to bed.... three hours and counting... not that I'm counting... 

I thought I would do a little pregnancy update:

How far along: 33 weeks!

Total weight gain: gained 10 lbs total (two since the fair.... thank you grease)

Maternity clothes: Maxi dresses and yoga pants for life.

Stretch marks: Nothing since Mini. So. Much. Cocoa Butter. But it's working!

Sleep: Ummmmmmm...... nothing for more than two hours at a time. I'm ready for these sleepless nights with Mr. Dallas. 

Best moment of this week: Will be Friday! Normal Dr. appointment, 4D ultrasound appointment, and maybe maternity pictures. It's an ALL baby day!

Miss anything: Wine... Sitting up.... without grunting.... and not having to waddle to get anywhere.

Movement: All day every day. Nonstop.

Food cravings: Ruffles chips. I don't like chips... but apparently my pregnant self does.

Anything making you queasy or sick: It just depends on the day... But it still happens more than not.

Have you started to show yet: Umm.... YES??

Gender: Boy!

Labor signs: Braxton Hicks mostly at night.

Belly button in or out: It finally made it's way out...

Wedding rings on or off: On... until about 8 pm and then it's time to come off and breath :)

Happy or moody most of the time: Happy.. but embarrassed about how tired I am all the time... I hate it. It's so not me, but it takes hold of me everyday any way....

Looking forward to: My baby shower a week from Sunday!

~

only 7 more weeks!

Preggo Problems.

I am so lucky and blessed in so many ways. And I know that, trust me... but right now, I need to vent. 

I am mad my husband hasn't had a day off since June. And that he hasn't worked under 10 hours a day since June. 

I hate that I am so emotional and clingy during this pregnancy... because I am sure it's every mans dream to be climbed on by a bulbous woman who is probably going to cry on you and smoosh you with her massively protruding stomach...boobs... and thighs. 

I hate that I cannot control my massive addiction to carbs this trimester. It is overwhelming. It is a full blown addiction..... they need to lock up carbs for their safety... from me. 

I hate that by 3 pm (noon) I am exhausted, cramping, and half asleep... even if I haven't done anything at all....

I hate that I can't be more active for Mini during this time. I try to make sure that she has something fun to do each day, since it's our last summer together without a little man tagging around, but some days... I just can't and i feel so bad about it. 

I hate that some days... I just want to order pizza. Not because I want pizza, but because the idea of bending over to grab a pan literally has made me cry lately. 

I feel bad that I have made Gisele (the Pom) as lazy as me. She much rather be laying on down comforters in bed then going on a walk... and I agree. All the time.

Sometimes I just wish that all this would speed up and he would get here and I wouldn't feel all these things. But then I know these times are precious and all of these little silly things won't matter in 8 weeks and I need to just breath... and I need to just be at peace. And before I know it my complaints will be no big deal and I will be embarrassed this all mattered so much at one time.

I am so blessed. And I know that. I am blessed to be able to be pregnant. I am blessed that my husband has such a great job. I am blessed that I have such an understanding daughter. I am blessed to have a healthy baby boy growing stronger everyday. 

Now I'm done venting. And I am going to go be clinging (just as soon as he gets home)... because that's just who I am these days.

We made it to the Fair today... Gisele made it out of bed. So that was something :)

Let them be Little.

I love being a mom. I know, I hide it well... but I really do :)

Lately I've noticed how the opinions of others is overwhelming when it comes to parenting... whether they have children or not.

I have many opinions on my own personal parenting, but they stay between me and my husband. 

(And that's how I feel it should be for everyone...)

Opinions on discipline, on rewards, on breast feeding, on diapers, on clothing, on love.... it's all YOUR opinion, and I really wish that you would keep it that way. 

If I decide to do... whatever I want as a parent, as long as it does not harm them or those around us, and my spouse is okay with it....then you can keep your opinions, thoughts, and ideas to your own children.

I have been so blessed with now two wonderful children (waiting to see the second one... 11 weeks and counting :)) and I want the best for them, I want them to be young and innocent for as long as they can be. I want to them to love life as much as possible. I want them to have memories that make them dream bigger than they even knew possible. 

I feel like nowadays there is so much pressure on education, advancement, placement that we are loosing whimsy... 

We need to remember, let them be little. Let them be young. Let them be their age.... let them become who they need to be when they need to be, at their time and their pace. 

Rainy Days.

I love this morning... Not to sound cheesy but I do. Yesterday my hubby surprised me with my birthday gift :) He's been picky about getting a perfect one, and he did great.... he forfeited his desire for a MASSIVE dog for my dream of a little dog... by about 196 pounds (Great Pyrenees vs. a Pomeranian). Yesterday we added Miss Gisele to our family!

I expected that the first night or week would be rough... but then I remembered, we have a 6 1/2 year old :) My problem was solved (I am noting a genius mommy moment).

Summer Break+Slumber Party with you're new dog= Mommy gets a few hours of sleep, Mini thinks she is a big girl staying up watching Cinderella with her new best friend, and the dog was exhausted to sleep and there was no barking!

It lasted till about 5 am but it was so worth it. Mini slept in, I snuggled Gisele, and when Mini woke up finally Gisele acted beside herself with joy that her person was awake.... Now they are playing and goofing around and I love hearing Mini so happy. I love her excitement. BUT, I love it even more that she is old enough to let out the puppy love now too.

Now while they get to play, I get to be a grown up and lay on my back (bed rest fun stuff) and pay bills, and plan meals, and do boring grown up stuff.... Thank goodness for Pinterest.

So as I try to manage a 1.5 pound of sas... a 50 pound of sas... and my pregnant OCD, I will lust after meals  I don't know how to make and outfits I can't wear yet.

I can't believe I'm in my seventh month of pregnancy... it's still crazy to me. Every week I'm worried that it is going to slow down, but it hasn't and that is fine by me.  I cannot wait for him to get here, even though we are not as prepared as I would like to be at the moment.

Forgot to post this yesterday, oops!

28 Week Update. (+3 days)

Hey there! I can't believe that Mr. Man is going to be here in less than 12 weeks! It is hitting me harder and harder these days... in a good way! I am overly excited... and feeling very unprepared. This week I get my lovely Glucose test and I have my next appt. I will fill you in on how that goes Friday but for now I thought I would do a little update.

28 Weeks.

Weight Gain: 6 pounds, but it feels like 40 these days... this belly is heavy!
Cravings: Last Night I was NEEDING pickles which hasn't happened since my first trimester!
Eating: Everything....
Exercise: Has been slacking this week, exhaustion and braxton hicks have had the best of me the past few days... and I am missing it!
Symptoms: Blue Veins on my stomach.... lovely... Mr. has found mommy's ribs this week, and really loves kicking them, and obviously I have been feeling exhausted thanks to all of that movement :) I have had severe Braxton Hicks the past week on and off, more intense than I am used too, but I am hoping that lets up over the next week (fingers crossed).
Looking forward to: My next appointment (not the Glucose test but definitely hearing Mr.'s heartbeat) and I am looking forward to our 4D ultasound coming up next month!

In this next appointment I know that she is not wanting to set up our c-section date in stone yet, but by our next appointment (end of July) we should finally know! (not that I'm impatient to schedule it or anything). Thanks to our fabulous planning we have school starting around my due date and other important things and I have to be strategic in my planning over the next 12 weeks... and as most people know pregnancy brain makes that 10x harder! Get out the over sized calendar and sharpies! Mommy is going to be planning her butt off.

I can't believe that we are already almost at the end of June and I feel like summer break just started! I have had such a great time with Mini and I hope the rest of the summer is filled with fun, more sunshine than this rain we've been having, and lots of memories :)

I hope you all had a great weekend, Happy Sunday!

C-section Hospital Bag.

I am getting excited about Mr. Man coming but lately have had a few complications that have definitely made me worry... I want him to hold on for 8 more weeks... then if he needs too, he can come :)

Until then my doctor wants me to be prepared now that I am in my third trimester. Since I had complications with my first pregnancy they are going to schedule my c-section for me this time around. So I have gathered a list of must-haves for myself now that I know what I need to be prepared.... I may be over prepared but I hate hospitals and I want to be 'at home' as possible during my stay.

Must Have Packing List:

1. Slippers (Socks and also flip flops for the shower)

2. Robe (I went with a light cotton robe)

3. Toiletries (including makeup, lotion, hair care, tooth care, etc)

4. Night gowns, something that will fit you at 6/7 months (after your c-section you will still have a bump be prepared for that, and stay away from pj sets that have bottoms with elastic around your incision)

5. Maxi dress to go home in (a size larger than my pre-pregnancy size)

6. Magazines; you're going to be exhausted so reading a book is out of the question for me....

7. Snacks; you don't really want to rely on the hospital for quality food. I am bringing healthy items (Higher in fiber... trust me)

8. My own blankets and pillows, lots of pillows.... you are going to need them to be able to sleep comfortably, for your incision on the way home, and in case anyone makes you laugh while you are enjoying your stay.

9. Camera, Phone, chargers for both, an extra memory card, and laptop (and make sure you have Netflix ready to go just in case you can't sleep when you're angel is :))

10. Your ID and insurance for both you and your partner

11. A gift for the older sibling(s), something that is from both you and their new sibling.

12. A carseat (and make sure you have your base already set up in your 'going home' vehicle.

13. Post c-section belly binder, I am ordering a Squeem but I know that there are many options out there. I did my research and for me (and my long torso) the Squeem seemed like the best option for me.

14. I am bringing a 'well wishes' book for any/all of our visitors to leave a special message to Mr. after his delivery that he can read when he is older.

I also am packing my Diaper bag with all of Mr.'s starting items we will need during our stay and for our drive home:

1. Two outfits, I am bringing a sleeper and a gown

2. Mittens, socks, and a hat

3. receiving blankets and burp clothes

4. Toiletries of your choice (and wet wipes if you do not prefer the ones that the hospital supplies)

5. First aid kit, just in case someone is born with long nails :)

And you can't forget your partners... since they probably won't be thinking about packing until it's time to leave:

1. My husband is packing a fold out cot for himself along with blankets and pillows from home

2. Slippers and two changes of clothes (air on the side of comfort)

3. Toiletries

4. A new daddy gift (my version of a push present for daddy)

5. Moscato... okay that is more for me, but it's going in his bag

Happy packing fellow mama's to be!

Maxi Dresses have been a lifesaver these days!!

Reality Check.

So, if you know me you know that I on occasion love a good juicy reality TV show. I mean, some may call me a connoisseur... but to each their own. I was in the midst of watching one of these shows and I thought to myself... man I wish I had that 'problem'... which brings me to today's thought:

Issues I wouldn't mind having.... reality edition:

1. When my crystal ora isn't working right.

2. Someone gets my blowout wet.

3. My Bentley is in the shop and I have to drive the Mercedes.

4. I have to heal from my new nose job.

5. My husband forgot to pack my makeup case right.... for my two day trip.

6. I got my spray tan wet to soon afterwards (okay that is a problem forrealsies)

7. Someone showed up late to my hoedown

8. My makeup artist is two timing me by also applying makeup on my friendimie.... for the same event!!

9. While my house is built I have to live in a house that is ONLY 3000 sq ft.

10. I wore a fascinator to an event that I really should not have!!

These are problems are problems I would not mind having....

27 weeks + 3 days.... not that I'm counting.

I am officially in my third trimester, and I am feeling all sorts of wonderful swollen-ness, exhaustion, and hunger these days. 

The heat makes me forget to eat, and then the dizziness and kicking always remind me to stuff my face... food has been my vice... and my passion as of late.

I try to find outfits that don't make me feel huge but we are to the point where everything is making me feel huge... it really hasn't been that fun. I keep telling myself 13 more weeks... 13 more weeks (or less if I'm lucky) and then I will be back on track to my pre-pre-baby weight. 

I am still trying to maintain my workouts, and even if I don't have the endurance like I used too, I try to get something in 5 times a week. 

Right now I am trying to curb my cravings with Special K pastry crisps and Fiber One lemon bars... It's working... for the moment.

It has been hitting me a lot more lately how soon this all is going to happen... I am excited and shocked all at the same time. This week I am working on my hospital bag... because of my blood pressure mr. man could be here anytime after August 15th.... (less than 9 weeks away now) and that is crazy to me! 

I'll be sharing my 'must haves' for my hospital bag (c-section version) later this month with all of you. 

Now that I have my bags out... It's just a matter of packing. Which in my sleepy state these days, is easier said than done!

Workout clothes are officially my best friends in this last wonderful trimester... I have a feeling that will probably be my wardrobe for the next few weeks, and in no way am I upset about it.

Hope you guys are having a great Monday, it's nap time for me!

It's my Party.

I've been mad. Mad at the universe. No, not God, no, not my brother. They both did what they had to do and I am at peace with that... but I am mad at the natural progression of things. 

Tomorrow is my birthday... my pregnant birthday and this is my first birthday without him.... and forever more it will be that way. I can't stop that. I don't have any control of that. This is the way it is.

But I am mad because I know how tomorrow would have been different if he was here still and that is what I can't stand....

I know that he would try to help me forget that I was super pregnant... I know he would get me something ridiculous that I didn't need but would love. He would introduce me to some band that I wouldn't like but eventually would find myself singing too and being in love with for the rest of my life. He would take me dancing to our favorite dance studio... he would definitely take me for sushi. We would eat too much because he would order too much, because 'I needed it.' He would probably take my phone away from me so he could have my undivided attention. After we danced and ate, it would probably past my point of exhaustion (usually anything after 9 pm, but with him it would be 3 am easy) we would get coffee.... because that was just something he would do. I would probably pass out a few times... and when I was awake enough we would tell stories about our lives... and we both would know about them because we both were there.... that's still a hard part for me. Knowing my funny stories aren't nearly as funny as they used to be... because he isn't telling them. And no one gets why they are so great. Not the way he did, not the way we did when we were together. 

So tomorrow I am older... but he will be forever young. And today is just another day that reminds me that I have lost a large part of my youth. I lost a big chunk of who I was till last Fall. And though I am still me, I'm not who I was and I never will be able to again.

Today I feel selfish, but that is okay to be.... it's my party, I can cry if I want too... Right?

I'll always know my place in his heart... but it doesn't make missing him any easier.

27.

I am stuffing my face with a chocolate sour cream cake filled with chocolate mousse covered in chocolate ganache. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Why am I doing this, you may ask?

I'm turning 27 tomorrow, I will also be 27 weeks pregnant and officially in my third trimester. So, I deserve the cake. The cake deserves me. The fact that it made me swell up so much I had to take my bra off to finish it means nothing to me at this time.

Pregnancy.... it's a lot of kicks.

Man this cake is good.

Things I've learned over my second trimester now that it finally is coming to a close:

1. Sodium is not my friend, but I have an unhealthy love for it all the same.

2. Sometimes getting dressed is just too much work.

3. I'm pretty much a super hero.... and I should get way more high fives than I have been getting....

4. The belly band is a sufficating life saver... you must choose: back relief without the ability to breathe or a low belly and back pain....

5. If you aren't nice to me during my pregnancy... you don't get to hold my baby... I don't care who you are.

6. Pregnancy is magical and all that crap but I swear I may cry the first night I don't feel something kicking me at night, even if it is only for an hour.

7. I love bikinis though it may be unsightly for those around me, it's the only thing that doesn't constrict me.... hence the kiddy pool I just bought. No one needs to see this in all it's glory.

8. After my first trimester the emotions have subsided. Thank God. Wanting to cry all the time was a little much. Now I just cry when people hurt my feelings or call me thick. Both logical things to cry about.

9. I have lost my passion... for shopping. It's really devistating (not for my husband, I'm sure) but my growing waste line has really limited my joy for clothes these days. I keep trying to remind myself I only have 13 weeks till I can start enjoying it again... but it seems so long from now!

10. Finally, I can't tie my shoes anymore without sitting down first. I am almost 27 and I can't bend over. I am now going finish this cake... because I can.

Yesterday was a better day food wise... tomorrow will be too. Some days you just need to embrace the bump... and indulge.

Enjoying out Summer Break so far :)

Lazy Girls Workout Schedule

I like to avoid this conversation at all cost because it is...sticky. 

I know when you are pregnant you don't want to workout, you don't want to get out of bed half the time. Trust me. I get it. I'm there most days. 

I also know that cravings are no joke. I just had a chocolate cone dipped in chocolate with cheese curds on the side from DQ,

I am all about embracing pregnancy... the good, the bad, and the uncomfortable.... I'm all about it. 

With my first pregnancy I gained over 45 pounds... and I was 20 pounds lighter than I am today but that was seven years ago... I'm older and not as susseptable to change these days.

So when I found out I was pregnant this time around I wanted to do things differently... not for my husband, not for my family, not for the public opinion... I wanted to be the healthiest version of myself for my baby and me. 

I started to workout the moment that I found out I was growing Mr. Man... and I have had waves of not working out (which is to be expected with pregnancy exhaustion) but I've stayed pretty consistent. I know my limitations, and I continue to consult with my doctor when I want to try new things, or increase what I am consistently doing.

I have gained muscle and I feel stronger than I have in years.... but I am pacing myself at the same time. What I have found that works for me is pretty much a variation of the following:

(I don't have pictures or diagrams but if you want that, I can post them next time just let me know!)

Three days a week I spin on my bike 25-40 minutes at a medium speed and retention.

 Then I will try to add 15-20 minutes of regulated reps (HIIT method: High intensity interval training) of workouts approved for preggo bumps like me:

I am an addict to:

1. squats (weighted, wide, side squats, etc variations)

2. leg lift variations

3.Russian twists

4. lunges

5. Kettle Bell Swings

6. High Knee (harder to do the further your pregnancy)

7. Planking

8. Pushup rotations

9. And arm isolated workouts 

I find that HIIT workouts get the fastest results for me personally without expending my whole days energy. 

 

On the days that I don't spin I try to do my HIIT workouts for 30 minutes and then again later in the day for 10-20... My goal is to workout 5 days a week. Some weeks it's less, some weeks it's more. But I never overdo myself, and you really should not when you are pregnant. On the days I rest I stay active as much as I can, cleaning, painting, etc. But I know that around 4/5 at night I am done and I let myself rest. Rest is key for a healthy pregnancy no matter who you are! I hope this helps mama's out there that are trying to stay in shape while pregnant!

Happy Wednesday!

23 Weeks Pregnant.

I'll be 6 months this Friday and I really can't believe how fast it has gone... It obviously hasn't been easy but I am so excited I'm over halfway done. I cannot wait to meet our little man! 

We have been planning our Summer and I can't wait to get started. Here is my 23 week update:

23 Weeks:

How far along am I: 23 weeks

Gender: Boy

Weight Gain: Two Pounds

What I'm wearing: Officially wore my last pair of jeans last Friday

Stretch Marks: None 

Belly Button, in or out: In, partly

Sleep: Horrible, but with my mountain of strategic pillows I am managing

Missing Something? I am missing the feeling of not being kicked constantly

Movement: Nonstop, the ultrasound tech said she had never seen such an active baby

Cravings: Change every two seconds

Sick? No

Looking Forward To: Sitting up without help... in four months :)

Favorites Last Week: Spending time with my family this weekend

 

We are all so excited about this journey, and we are even more excited about meeting our new addition! 

Happy Monday!

Cake.

Back in my third trimester I was living in warm Florida and I was very specific on what I did and did not want to eat. Prime Rib every night, sweet tea from Wendy's and a large fry for lunch, and usually for breakfast.... a large slice of white cake with white icing (that was the actual description on the container) from the bakery at Publix. Well, the sweet tea craving came back a few weeks ago.... and the steak craving is still at bay but that cake... that freaking cake is haunting my dreams.... I literally looked up FedEx charges for overnighting a whole cake. I did. Okay?

Turns out it takes a little more than I thought to get the cake here. So, though I really should be working out right now... I am heading to the grocery store to see if their cake is anything like Publix.... since now I'm so far away from my cake. If I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't want it... it really isn't that good. But, when you're pregnant there is no explanation for the things that we force feed ourselves. I know I'm not alone so don't even act like you (if you are pregnant) are not force feeding yourself twizzlers and fried chicken with a frosty right now. Don't EVEN......

Well... I am going to jog out to the car.... and get some cake.... I'll eat it after my workout, of course, post workout meal... you know... like a responsible, in control, human being.... or I may take a fork with me and and eat it on the way home... because I'm pregnant... and I'm an adult... and I do what I want.