The Outsiders.

When I was in seventh grade I had the most interesting man come into my life. He was my teacher. He taught me how to love reading. He taught me how to have a voice. And he taught me to not give a damn.[something I had to relearn many times over throughout the years] but he was at the forefront of so many things I have become now.

He introduced me to the book, The Outsiders, midway through my school year in seventh grade. He had a feeling I would like it. He was right. It took me about a day of tears, laughter and heart wrenching pain to finish it. And then I read it again.... little did I know how much that book would mean to me as I got older. 

A few years after I read the book, I gave it to my brother to read. He loved reading and instantly agreed this was 'our book'.... because we had a very codependent relationship and did literally everything together.... and I am so glad we did. 

As I went through some of the trials of life and heartache with him later on in our lives, I started calling him 'Ponyboy', from the book. It just was a thing. He was the youngest. He was a genius [based on IQ, not me bragging] but he struggled within himself to find his purpose and to find who he was. 

A phrase used in the book, was, "Stay gold" they used this phrase as the urban dictionary describes, as to say stay innocent and pure.... their way of saying good bye. 

We both loved that phrase, and I used to say that to him.... especially when he was going through a hard time... struggling with his demons.... I always felt that it was a way to bring him back. 

After he passed away, I knew-I believe-that same day, if I was to memorialize him on my body I could only ever get that phrase.

Stay Gold. 

Silly to think I used it so many times to bring him back, and now it is a phrase I tell myself to bring myself back to the present when I am missing him so much it hurts every part of me. 

Stay Gold. 

It may mean nothing to anyone else, but to me it means the world. 

So yesterday with two of my favorite people I finally got my tattoo for him.

It had to be in typewriter font, because that boy loved his typewriter more than many people knew. And that was just one of the adorable things about him. 

emo selfie. 

My birthday. I miss you.

Every year since my brother died I have had such a hard time celebrating my birthday. I cry every year.... I didn't understand fully why, for the first couple of years... but I finally started to understand after the third year. I feel selfish being able to still celebrate my birthday.... 

I know, that sounds stupid to anyone that has not lost someone close, but I really do feel that if you have, you get it. 

It is so heart breaking to think about I am sure, no matter who you are, but until you have to live it... you will never understand. 

I wake up on my birthday, and I cry. I cry because I have two wonderful babies that are so excited to celebrate me... a family that wants to plan something, a husband that wants to do something special, friends that want to do something for it... and I know that no matter what, I am still going to have a heaviness in my heart that entire day. NOT because I do not appreciate all that I have, I do more than I can express... but because he is not here. He will not be here for my 30's, 40's, 50's.... and that sucks.

IT SUCKS.

I want to scream it. Sometimes. But I don't.... I hide in the bathroom, cry into a towel for about 15 minutes-until the babies wake up. And then I rally, because who wants to remember their mom crying every damn birthday??

So, this is that depressing post I try to steer clear of, but it is life.... and I write about life... the cute, the stupid, the real, the funny, and yes-sometimes the sad. 

Can I be me for a second? Please don't judge to harshly....

I miss him so much I ache.... I miss having a best friend sibling. I miss the text messages, I miss the stupid calls, I miss the just because... I miss the hugs.... I miss the secrets.... I miss the, US. Damn it. I walk around every day feeling an emptiness. I am so grateful for the people that include me because they know my sadness.... I'll never be able to thank them enough. But, I hope everyone with a sibling knows-I hope you LOVE the shit out of them. I hope you feel grateful for them, even when they upset you... and please, love on those that have lost their own whenever you can... because we need it, more than you know.

I love you all. Thank you for putting up with my awkwardness. 

B

Tears over here: 

Family night the summer before he passed away.

We were a mess... and I loved it. (5'7" an 6'5")

Us and the ex wife lol 

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.

He was just my best friend ever. He let me be weird. He loved me. No matter what. 

I miss laughing with him

I miss being near him.

Damn it. I thought this would be easier.... can you all just love someone with all your heart for me. Yes, I'm balling my eyes out... and yes I hate missing him. I hate feeling alone after feeling so complete with him around. Just, please, love as much as you can.