Mental Health Days for Moms.

I'm exhausted. I am sitting here full of tasty grilled steak fajita and mango salsa [I made that steak like a boss], propping my feet donning ankle weights like a true girl from the 80's on my faux fur ottoman, coming to you in real time. 

I wish there was a picture of this situation, but thank god there isn't. 

I am counting the minutes till bed time for the little boos so I can put on my nightly sheet mask, edit some wonderful family images from last week, and force my husband to watch Baywatch against his will. 

At the moment I am watching Chicken Little, watching a toddler pretend to shit on his toilet and listening to a preteen tell me how her mouth hurts.... she just had her braces tightened. 

It's fine... it is totally fine. I am just TIRED. AF.

BUT I wanted to drop some parenting advice on all my fellow moms.....

I like to call this segment the 'Stop trying so hard and you'll love yourself a lot more....' 

[as long as you stop giving a f*ck about what anyone thinks]

1. Sometimes it is worth it to say no. Say no to your kids. Say no to your family. Say no to your friends. And most importantly, say NO to yourself. NO, you don't have to do a damn thing today. Or tomorrow. 

2. Sometimes Netflix can help you parent, and that doesn't make you a bad mom. 

3. I make BOTH my kids, 3 and 10, take 1.5 hours of chill/nap time every single day. After lunch they know the rules, you can read, play quietly in your room, etc but it is 'reset' time. 

-this does two things, first it helps me have time to clean up from the first half of the day.... and second it gives them time to reset for their second half of the day.... it has almost eliminated meltdowns completely with the Toddler. 

4. Take the shower. I know, that sounds stupid. But it's not. You are allowed to take a shower, wash your hair, wash your face and the kids can yell at you the whole time, but at least you're clean. You chose you, and I'm proud of you. 

5. Stop spending time with people that make you feel bad. I used to choose to spend time with a few people that just were MISERABLE to be around, they complained, they bitched, and they would talk poorly about other when they weren't around. I would go home drained but I always felt I had to continue to have them in my life for whatever reason. [and trust me I am far from perfect and have been miserable to be around MANY times... I just don't want to continue to be that person]

-And then I stopped spending time with them. 

-And at first I was lonely

-And then I wasn't

-And I am SO much happier

I LOVE every single person I spend time with now. I wish I could spend more time and had more hours in the day for the people in my life. [and I am so grateful they put up with me]

Give yourself the gift of selection. 

It's empowering. 

And even if you don't believe in energy, spirituality, vibrations, chakras, etc [I do] believe in you enough to allow yourself peace. 

Well, in the span of this blog:

I moved myself from Chicken Little and am now resting under a big oak tree loving on this breeze and feeling almost overwhelmed with happiness and guess what? I'm not tired anymore. I moved my energy into a peaceful place and I am IN IT. 

The kids are fed, even dessert, they are happy, they are playing... and I am happy in my own reset. 

Anyway, this isn't a brag thing, this is a join me thing. 

You're way to hard on yourself. 

Yes, you.

Stop it. 

I mean it.

Now.

Love you. 

Proof they have survived me saying no, me taking a shower, and even 'chill' time.

 

Hello again old friend... Monday.

You guys... I am so sorry... I'm a day late but now not a post short. 

Do you ever have those days where you know it is just... not going to happen?

Yesterday was one of those days for me.... I wrote three posts, and none of them seemed right. 

[So they are saved for a different day.... maybe]

I am sitting here in a dark-ish kitchen, by choice.... some may call it hiding silently because your kids are both playing nicely in their own rooms and you're afraid to breath. Others may call it 'relaxing'.

I grilled some turkey burgers and now have them slathered in Hooters sauce and Sweet Baby Ray's, because I'm disgusting. Today I spent the day deep cleaning, which lasted about two hours into Mini being home and the Toddler waking up from his nap... my house is now destroyed again, I'm really sorry you missed it. 

Still, I managed to take the dog for a walk, so that was a win.... the Toddler shit on me about an hour ago-so that was fun. Got an AARP magazine in the mail which was a little sting to the ego, it's like they know it's almost my birthday and they needed to get their jabs in. They were successful.... 

But you guys, it's almost 7 pm here which is super close to 8:30-a movie length worth of time... and I really am praying that I am not pooped on in between now and then. Miracles can happen. They can.

Does anyone else feel like May is just a mess after you have school aged kids? Like, May is a rush and just packed full of craziness and then.... JUNE happens and you miss May's craziness? I feel that way more and more every year. So, I decided to fight against it this year...... Mini is not going to be in 9 camps like she was last year. The Toddler won't be doing sports this summer. And I will be drinking margaritas while watching them play outside whenever I deem it acceptable and give literally no shits. maybe a few but nothing a margarita can't handle.

I hope your Monday went by as fast as happy hour on a Wednesday..... I hope you too found your hiding spot while the kids played at some point.... and I hope your Tuesday doesn't make you wish it was Friday-I'll see you guys on tomorrows post!! 

The Poop Monster.

Who do you think YOU are?

You guys.... It just hit me like a ton of bricks. I... am going to have a fifth grader this year. 

I may cry [I always cry these days so that may is a definite] I'm not ready. SHE'S STILL A BABY.

Now the Toddler can go to school tomorrow, I'm fine with that.... He needs it, but Mini.... she can't. She needs to just stop growing. She looks like a damn adult, and I AM NOT HERE FOR IT. 

She is still so 'kid' in so many areas, but I want to make sure that I am preparing her the best I can... and also making as many memories as I can with her. I don't know if you know this... but parenting, you guys, it is no joke. It is so fun, hard, scary, sad, and in the midst of those feelings YOU have to be the adult?? These poor kids have US as their sounding board, their strength... Their EXAMPLE of what to be/how to be when they grow up.... and I'm sorry but most of us are shit shows. 

Real Talk: Who reading this thinks, 'I've got my shit together.... you're wrong!' Well my friends, who ever thinks that is a narcissist.... so I feel bad for your children. Anyone that has a pebble of a brain realizes we are not equipped to do this. We aren't. I don't care what book you read.... what your pastor told you... what your psychic saw in your reading.... You don't know a damn thing. You are helping create a person, and you only have 18 years [if you are lucky] and then you send that prototype out... no redo's, no fixies, just PLOP here is a human. 

You can teach them so much, but what are you doing? I fail every single day as a parent. I know I do. I feel it in my heart, how disappointed I am in situations. I hate it, and no this isn't a woe is me post... it's just my reality. I want to treat my babies the way I want them to treat their future babies. And I am a big work in progress.... I could use the time. But in parenting there is never enough time.

So, now.... I'm going to be raising a fifth grader. She is going to be 11 this year. I have only SEVEN years left to help her be equipped for adulthood. For college. For student loans. For a savings account. For taxes. For housing. For...... for not needing me in the capacity that we both have grown so accustom too. For not needing me to pack her lunch. For not needing me to check her calendar. For not needing me to order her 'must need' limited edition tennis shoes for gym. For not needing me to folder her laundry.... and I know, I want her to not need me-it's healthy-but the codependent weirdo in me wants her to need me forever. I guess that is parenting, isn't it? 

Of course all the feels hit when I go to student success night at her school... I see how much she has done, how much she has progressed, her accolades on the walls and halls and class room and it just stings. Like a shooting pain in my heart, she is growing up.... and what all does she still need from me, to be prepared? 

I need to be more... to do more... to show more... but tonight, I just hugged her a little bit more than usual... kissed on her a little bit more.... let her drink sparkling grapefruit juice out of a wine glass.... may have let her have two desserts... and let her stay up a little bit past her normal bed time, because she's still my baby for another 7 years-and that means something. 

Can you all do me a favor tomorrow? Can you just hug your babies, extra long tomorrow... and if you don't have your own- hug your besties/siblings/cousins etc babies instead. They all need it, and so do you. 

Happy late Thursday! 

I grew them.

Slow Down, Please.

Today was Mother's Day.

And it was perfect. Not in that cheesy, lame Facebook post way. It was perfect for me. And, I mean, isn't that what actually matters? 

I slept in, then when I woke up I was able to get ready for TWO hours-in an empty house. After slathering myself with makeup, I was hugged and loved and given gifts and taken to my favorite brunch spot ever. EVER. I devored all the brisket and bacon lardon topped pizza. Took a walk to the park, and finished off the day with a serenading Toddler. I am now sitting with my feet up, relaxing [I am watching the neighbor also a mom around my age mow her yard.... as her husband plays with their kid I loudly whispered to her from the comfort of my couch, 'you're doing it wrong' and then continued to sit on my butt... because I'm doing it right]

As I sit here, I am overwhelmed with feelings. I wanted to share with you all.... because... I can?

It is so hard, as a mom, to watch my kids grow up so damn fast. I want to freeze every moment. Even the crazy, insane sleepless moments, the silly moments, the stressful moments, the anxious moments, in all these moments I find myself still praying that the time slows down. Over the past year the biggest thing I have found myself repeating over and over again is, 'slow down'. Everything is so fast and busy, we are a generation of expediting and instant gratification.... and I don't want to participate in that anymore. The more I slow down, the more I think about what fills my heart- I embrace a much slower pace, whenever I am able too. I want to sit and do nothing sometimes, just because I can, just because it makes me feel at peace. I want to remember these moments, watching my kids laugh together, watch them be small still, watch them figure out day by day who they want to be when they grow up. I don't want to only remember rushing them from 'thing' to 'thing' or just the big moments in their lives... I want to remember the giggles, the hugs, the quiet moments... I want to remember the way that they sleep or the way that they imagine together. I want to capture so many moments that I am afraid some day will be forgotten.... We spend all this time raising them, we deserve to love as many moments as we can of it. Capture and savor as much as we can. Please babies, slow down. 

This is my heart, my souls desire. And then just like that I am brought back to mom-ality [mom reality] and I find myself laughing my butt off as we all cheer very, VERY loudly for the Toddler who just took a grown man sized poop on the potty.... and even that, I want to remember. These learning and growing moments together. 

I'm beyond thankful to be their mom, and I am blessed with how much they love me and love being my babies..... I will never understand how I was given such an amazing gift X2 but I will always thank God for my place in their lives. 

I hope you all had a wonderful day, but my heart goes out to those that are struggling to conceive, struggling to adopt, have lost their own babies, have lost their mommy's- those that are grieving something today that no one understands. My heart is with you, and I am sending you so much of my love and prayers.

“To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow.” – Maya Angelou

Yo Mama's Day

Mother's Day.....

It's a day, huh?

I don't like the focus to be just on me, I want it to be collectively on just having fun-for all of us. When you have a toddler who doesn't know if he's going to be happy or angry that day, that sometimes messes up that plan.

I don't need to do any special, just maybe sleep in... just maybe not have to ask anyone to stop fighting, just maybe let me eat pizza in bed without a bra on while watching reality TV. [which I haven't watch in 5 months.... I'm struggling]

--------------

You guys, my toddler is terrified of pooping on the potty. He's been crying for the past 5 minutes because it started to happen and took him by surprise.... I just want to know, does it get better? Will he ever be potty trained? Will I survive? I'm really not sure. 

I think that there should be a support group for potty training strong willed boys. It's a scary situation and I'm not sure who has cried more during this process... and we are no closer than we were LAST YEAR when I started this. 

I do not understand....

I do not get how anyone would want to sit in their own shit. 

That. Sounds. Awful. 

But I guess he likes gross things. 

Yep, I'm judging my toddler. Full judgement. 

[three hours laps, cleaning house, facetiming, phone calls, work]

Oh. My. GOSH. 

You guys. He just went on the potty. 3 hours but he did it! 

Today's going to be a good day!

Before I head off today I wanted to share with you all a few Mother's Day gift ideas, just in case you needed some inspo (click the links):

 A cute necklace

Or maybe a bracelet

Bomb brunch... this it on my list

THE BEST cookies ever, ships anywhere

Chocolate covered strawberries= life

A gift that keeps on giving

Or a personalized gift full of memories!

Or a session to memorialize your love for your mama!!

Happy Thursday, Babes!

Trigger Warning: Long story about gross things.....

So, I thought I was shot... when I was ten. 

Let me tell you the story: 

It was Thanksgiving morning.... the air was crisp, the sun hiding behind a layer of clouds...

[honestly I don't know what the weather was like.... it was 21 years ago]

I had turned 10 the summer before, and I was very naive.... keep that in mind.

I woke up, disoriented in a dark room at my grandparents house.  

I also woke up with a severe, crippling pain, it felt as though I was dying slowly. 

I turned on the light to get ready for the day [I crawled to the light switch-lets be honest.]

And as I pulled myself up to the light and propped my broken body against the wall I looked down... to my horror I had been shot. The pain all made sense. I had been shot. 

I crawled to the hall-shouting out for help- "PLEASE SOMEONE, HELP, I'VE BEEN SHOT!' 

no one answered, everyone left me to die. 

Typical.... 

who shot me? was it someone I knew? 

I made it to the kitchen, that 25 feet of bloody, desperate crawling really made my gun shot wound ache even more.....

There in the glow of the florescent kitchen lights was my cousin, 14 year old male cousin half way through puberty and thankful a brother to 5 girls- and looking completely terrified. 

"What's wrong, Beth?"

"Jordan.... I've been shot."

"What?? Where??"

"I don't know where! But I've been shot. I'm in so much pain... and no one is here... AND JORDAN.... there is blood EVERYWHERE. I am not going to make it much longer... I can tell."

His face seemed to look less terrified, almost calm. [Not the reaction I was wanting in this moment of slow, painful death]

"B, I think I know what is going on. You are going to be ok."

YOU KNOW NOTHING YOU IDIOT.... -I thought very loudly but kept to myself because I needed his help. 

"I think you started your period.... this is normal, I'll show you what you need to do. Everyone goes through this."

"OH.... DO YOU??"

"Well no, not everyone.... just women"

"Well, that's not even fair" [cue me literally sobbing uncontrollably]

Since everyone was next door rehearsing their Thanksgiving music special at the church [my grandpa was a pastor and the church was on the same plot as the house] Jordan went in the bathroom and found a weird square package and a tube package.... they both looked terrifying. 

"One goes on your underwear... the other one.... in you. I don't know but you'll figure it out-I'll go find our moms" 

"IN ME????? NOPE. Wait outside the door, what if I die?"

"You're not going to die."

I DIDN'T DIE. 

You guys, I DIDN'T die. 

Later that day I found out I had a Vagina... and what a Vagina was. That was a little shocking. Also found out what a period was. That was disgusting... AND THEN I found out that it happened monthly... and I asked to have a Penis instead. Apparently that takes a surgery and our insurance didn't cover it. 

All this story to let ya'll know... My daughter thought she was shot this week. [she didn't really, I've been preparing her for this for about a year... she's read the books, had her first moon supplies, etc. my trauma made me over prepare her]

I feel officially old. 

Why can't you just be 4 again?

I thought today was Monday.

Today felt like a Monday. My sinus infection is really putting a cramp in my sleep schedule. But my sinus infection can suck it. I don't have time to be tired. I don't have time to NOT sleep. 

I hit snooze 10 times. I'm literally the worst mom and I hit snooze TEN times. I still packed her lunch, drove her to school... but I really pushed the envelope today.

Every inch of my body felt like it had been hit by a train. But life happens and I had to shove myself into momentum. Coffee. Coffee helps most everything, and nasal spray. That statement makes me feel old. But, as I take all 8 of my vitamins and my heart burn medicine- I feel that nasal spray kick in and I am feeling a LOT better. 

After drop off I got to photograph an awesome little dude and we got into some tacos for his session. So it was perfect. And then I went to Target..... so, I mean. You get it, you know. I was fine. I will survive today, Venti latte in hand- and a red cart in the other, you pretty much feel invincible at least until you check out. 

And once you get past check out, you remember you have a doctors appointment. 

Dermatologist time.

Honestly one of my more exciting appointments, my dermatologist has completely changed my skin in 6 weeks, after a year of cystic acne and pain and scars-and multiple doctors promising me they could fix it. Low T has really screwed with my body, but at least someone has me on the right track skin wise- Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

We made a plan for next month, burning my face off for weeks on end until I have a whole new face.

Sound so fun I can hardly wait. 

I finally made it home, cleaned the house, fed the fam, and put to everyone to bed..... I finally had some quiet time to take a shower. Mid-shower [the steam feeling like a million little hands massaging my sinuses] and I hear a tap on the door.

nooooo. no. just no. go to bed. -says the little voice in my head.

"Yes?" my mouth says. Against the little voices' better judgement.

"Mom I peed myself...." [literally only one pull up left in the house till tomorrow]

"What?"

"Yeah, I peed... I'm really disappointed in myself"

You and me both babe, you and me both.

"It's okay boo, I'll be right out."

I swear you guys, today just felt like Monday.

And of course mid popcorn pour for the kids the bag exploded.... so I ate counter popcorn.

S.O.S.

You. GUYS. I can hardly put into words how my week has been going...... but I'm going to try because, I do what I want. (If my kids say its ok.)

So, we went on a little spring break, I can't be one of those crowded crazies in Florida over spring break [social anxiety over here], I do our Vaca's over less frequented months so I don't lose my mind. It saves everyone from my anxiety fueled wrath-trust me, it's best this way. 

We had an awesome time, we visited my old stomping grounds and had a blast at our indoor water park.............................but then something happened. WE. GOT. HOME. 

By the time we made it home Mini had the Flu, the first time in seven years she has been sick.... SEVEN. And after two weeks she is a whiner.... let me tell you, she whines about EVERYTHING (once she feels better but still wants the extra treatment). I know, I am a horrible mom for saying it, but after day 9, I lost my mind a bit. I'm insensitive, I'm the worst.... but it only got old because she had perfected the 'forced cough' AKA the not wanting to go back to school after spring break cough. I know this cough, because I created this cough back in the day. 

The cough equated to Popsicle for breakfast, Oreos all day, sprite for days, every movie ever, laxed betimes, hot cocoa and LOOOONGGG bubble baths. 

But then her brother got Croup, and she realized the jig was up. So now we have two 'sick' kids. One forcing coughs for ice cream bars and one that is stuffed full of steroids and begging for bed time. Coughing is all I know anymore. We're on day 15, the natives [me, just me] are growing wrest-lest. I dream of sleep, I dream of healthy lungs, of margarita Monday's on warm summer nights, I dream of cheesecake.... unrelated but still relevant.

And today on this 15th day of illness:

 Today I had a productive day of Testosterone butt shots and long walks on the elliptical to release the injection knot..... it consisted of me of not having the ability to sit on any surface without a heat pad, yes I've been walking around with a plug in heat pad for my butt. No shame in this game. I am an old lady with monthly butt injections. #livingthelife

And don't forget: this is 30.

picture of that cute croup kiddo.

If I could have anything....

I am sorry ahead of time... I'm going to be serious today.... abort, abort if you don't want the real/emotional/deep-ish me today. Tomorrow, we'll be back to normal jokes but today I want to tell you something. If that's ok?

Today I was thinking... I was watching someone make homemade pasta, and for some reason it made me think deeply about something so close to my heart. 

Today I asked myself a question (note to yourself, never stop asking yourself questions.... it's a good thing) what is one thing I cannot have that I wish I could have. Something that is not actual possible.

It took about a millisecond to think of it. And I want to share it, because it means the world to me. And I want you to feel my joy from it (though there is sadness there as well), if that makes sense? 

I want to be in my Grandma Greats kitchen. I want to be there during the school year-when most everyone else in her life was too busy to visit her. I want to be there right after school, when I got someone else to drive my brother home.... when I made it there before Jeopardy... at the tail end of Wheel of Fortune. I want to walk in the door as Grandma Great is talking about Vanna Whites waist size and how I better not let carbs get the best of me like she did (sorry grandma I did let carbs get the best of me and I now know what you mean.. but pizza is life). I want to sit down with her, she'll tell me for about an hour how she wants to die and I tell her it doesn't work that way God and me won't let you. Sorry, not sorry.... I think I created that phrase because of her. No you can't die. We would get passed that, every time and then she would get up. And that's when I knew I was in for a treat. She would ask me, 'Do you have to leave soon?' and she and I both knew I had no where to be but on her couch.... I would follow her to her kitchen, the same way I did when I was a kid in her farm kitchen. It was a different location but she made it work. She hated it, it wasn't home like home had been but it was what she had. A farmhouse to a duplex. She handled it so much better than I ever could have. I bitch WAY to much to be anything as amazing as she was. But I hope someday I am an eighth of a woman she was.... she was everything. 

Then, then you guys, she did the most magical thing in the world. She turned nothing into something perfect. She was a magician. She never taught me to do anything perfectly, she always taught me to acclimate to anything worth acclimating too. Grandma Great was a baking goddess. There is no other title to describe her than complete goddess. She spoke love with her hands and it was beautiful. I always thought she was a magician, she asked you the problem and as she listened she started putting together the recipe of whatever baked good you needed to soothe your soul, and she was never wrong. (accept for those dumb dieting bitches...she hated those in the family) You had a relationship problem? There was a cherry pie with your name on it, from scratch, within an hour. You had a friendship issue, buckeyes. A spouse problem, thumbprints. A sibling problem, caramels. It always was changing depending on what her soul spoke. 

So when I asked myself today, what is one thing I could have, that there was no possible way to have.... it was this: 

'I wish I could walk through her door, one more time, and sit down...and have her make the perfect dessert for missing her.'

I know, that is beyond depressing sounding, but I have found a dessert to make for most every other situation, just like she taught me... but that is one feeling I've never been able to bake for. My kitchen is covered in memories of her, my summers with her, our game show days, every moment in the kitchen I cherish-she was in. So to me I think that there should be an amazingly light dessert to represent her, even missing her it should be light/it should be warm/it should be memorable. 

So that is my 'if I could moment.'

Throw back to Olan Mills repping.

Bow... on.... FLEEK.

WHO TRUSTED YOU WITH THIS [PT3]

Heyyyy guys.....

Still 30.

Like we were 27 yesterday. It's so damn cute to be 27. But 27 is not 30.... and 30 is 50. If you're 30 you get that last reference in your SOUL.

I'm exhausted. I would MUCH rather take multiple naps than have a social life.... be active.... or just function at all. You guys, it's exhausting being 30. [Probably a direct correlation to my low T and aggressively active 3 year old]

But I AM TIRED. Oh you want to hang out after 3:45 PM on a school night?? Are you insane?? I have to wake up at 6 AM. I can't party like I used too. {Still love you though.... talk again in 15 when the youngest graduates... after I nap?}

New Life Excuses that have massive truths in them:

-Sorry my dog wants to lick my other dog and I want to film it, because they are amazing.
-Sorry my oldest wants to read Oliver Twist to me.
-Sorry my snake is shedding tonight.
-Sorry my kid is creating an interpretive dance and I need to find music for him.
-Sorry I'm busy, my lizard wants to watch Kimmy Shmidt tonight, thanks though.

The older I get the more I think how in the world are we trusted to be adults at 18? How are we having kids in our 20s? How are we allowed to live on our own before 40? We're idiots just trying to keep it together and we have NO clue what we're doing. Facebook us is not real us.... Facebook us is bullshit covered in glitter while we're losing our minds in the middle of a grocery store in real life being controlled by a very young human with the personality of a narcissistic communist and the mouth of sailor they inherited from us. And honestly without them telling us what to do we would be devastated, please tell me how that is not a mess? We are a shit show forced by social media to portray a perfect bubble of quaffed hair and caked faces and we're praised when we give just a *little* real moment of ourselves in some DEEP facebook post about our weaknesses or our imperfections every 6 months or so.... 'She's so real'.

Cue me puking in my mouth. I'm not a bitch-promise-I am just too tired to believe anyone is that PTO perfect. I have kids. THE JIG IS UP.... [If you're into being exhausted and don't judge sweat pants as formal for drinks, I'll meet you after school at Chilis and probably give you a hug, because you know what?? You're a damn hero and I'm here for it.]

So I'm going to sit here, I may have some cake before 9 AM.... I WILL drive my kid to school in a robe and face mask.... I will yell at my toddler.... he's a jerk.... I will get McDonald's fries.... I will drink a beer before 5 PM.... and I will plate Olive Garden as my own and lie through my teeth about my homemade Alfredo sauce, because I am tired, I am 30 and I don't want to do anything more than that. AND THAT.... my friends, is OK.

Honestly?? I'm tired.