It Goes to 11.

God, I really want to lie to you right now. I want to tell you that I totally spaced sharing this post... that it was already written yesterday [on time]... I want to lie to you, but I can't. I won't. You DESERVE the truth. 

Yesterday was a monster day, I just was miserable with allergies-they really have gotten me shookith and all I want to do is claw my eyes out all day. 

AND today, today I actually had half the day with just my Mini and it was AWESOME. Even though we spent most of it grocery shopping, which I loath. It was SO nice to not have to break up a sibling fight almost all day. And honestly, it was such a good day that I wasn't sure this blog was even going to go up today.... but then little man came home, the TODDLER entered the front door. And he was demanding that I remove the chocolate from his lactose free milk that he had just ask me to put in.... and he was trying to steal his sisters jewelry box.... and just like that-I was back in mommy reality. Which I love more than anything, but it is real life... and real life is not perfect.

I had to make a final stop before settling in for the night, and on the way the kiddos requested music. I knew just what to do... since the Toddler had not slept-and was a bit of a sass- I knew I could get away with playing his night, night music and let him pass out a little bit early. So, in true Toddler form, I played his never fail play list of songs. I found out at a young age, the only type of music that would soothe him in the car was rap.... and over the years that fact has NEVER changed. 

DRAM-Broccoli, Amine-Caroline, and Kyle-iSpy..... does. the. trick.

Youtube them... if you want.... I LITERALLY give zero craps if you judge me. It's just music, which is art, which I support because I'm not a soulless demon.  [Are you??]

My dad used to quote a saying that I live my life the exact opposite to, because it always PISSED me off so much as a child and now even more so as an adult. Because he was wrong in my opinion and the quote was the antithesis of how I am raising my children: 

"If you're too open minded your brain will fall out."

Like, EW, just typing it made me feel gross. LIKE EW. Wtf is that telling our kids, wtf did it tell us as kids. I know it messed with my brother his entire life until he passed. AKA, DON'T accept anything unless your parents tell you too..... yeah no, I'm going to have to pass on that. 

Do you feel gross? I feel gross. pauses to take a shower, hug my babies, tells them they can do anything, tells myself loving things, comes back to computer.

The Toddler fell asleep midway through the second song, and is still out. I know what I'm doing.... half the time.... ok 10% of the time... with advice and love and forgiveness.

But it worked. And I'm grateful.

So, this sure is a rambling blog... and I am fine with it. Moral of the story, don't be an ass. Be open. Raise open minded kids. Be loving. Love with an open mind and an open heart, I promise it's worth it. 

Rant over. is it really ever over with me? that is a solid NOPE, but for today, you are relieved of your duty.

So, as I sit here.... I am wondering. How do you guys feel about a live video this Sunday? A get ready with me video maybe? I don't know... I'm just spit balling over here. We will see. 

Maybe that is a next week thing.....

I'm so rude.

Mom Bod.

I had sushi tonight... because sushi is life. Duh.... 

I am sitting here, changed out of my loose romper into my roomier elastic band shorts and man shirt..... and I need to talk about what is happening. It is insane how much this happens.... it IS an epidemic and it is NOT our faults. It's those damn kids we had.... literally stop judging me.... they are perfect and wonderful and I don't regret having them for a single millisecond BUT they change things. They change a lot of things. 

So lets get deep into what happens... I want to break this reality wide open. But, I swear, if I end up being the only one going through this, I am going to be so pissed, because then it isn't mom bod-it is just my bod.... and if that is the case then just lie to me, please:

1. I had two c-sections, not by choice but because my hip bones are viced together like two codependent lovers with trust issues.... I tried all natural labor for 52 hours with Mini and I dilated 1 cm at 42 weeks and almost had a stroke, your girl tried. Rushed into an emergency c-section, they numbed the wrong part of my body, I felt them cutting me open, I almost broke my teeth chattering etc.... yeah I earned that kid.... but the doctors in Florida are bosses and they stitch your belly tight and right-apparently that isn't required in Indiana....... rude. 

*I found that out second kid in, and now I am sitting here with Zorro's signature etched into my skin between my puffin and my belly button. The great thing about the top notch stick work is that this has created a shelf I keep all of our fine china on. Thanks to my Gyno, Thanksgiving has some fancy pieces I keep tucked in my Spanx for safe keeping-don't worry they won't be budging off my shelf... I'm a professional at skin packing. Speaking of...........

2. I remember many, many years ago this thing.... the name eludes me most days. I don't know if I am the only one that knows it only as just a very faint memory..... it's that thing called, if I remember correctly, skin elasticity? Yes, that's it. I used to have that! I am sure of it, but BABES where did it go? Like, she gone. She bye Felicia'd me a long time ago. I have to tuck this skin in everywhere. I am losing places to put it... I've only got so many pockets in these overalls.....I have gained some new skills thanks to high waisted shorts.... thanks to duck tape.... thanks to Youtube.... it takes a village to find places for all these folds.... But those skin rolls do come in handy for nights like tonight=

3. Because as I sit here, the sodium and carbs have created the CUTEST baby belly ever.... [not pregnant with anything but emotions]

4. Moving on, who else finds those boob stretchmarks unnecessary? Just me? No? I mean I have rocked butt stretchmarks since I was 11, because I'm a damn giant so obviously I got my Tiger stripes early. BUT did I need to add them 20 years later to every other surface of my body? DID I? I didn't need to but y'all my body is an overachiever.... now I know where my kids get it. 

Last but certainly not least....

5. You know the last unexpected gift I received from my post baby bod? Moments after my first was born, they actually showing up on my face and I was gifted with not one but two... Those really awesome black rings- you know the ones right under your bloodshot eyes providing proof of the next 18 years of exhaustion you have embarked on. But to non-parents it just looks like I have ridden the back of a dragon who has just risen from the flames of the 7th realm of hell to carry me off to my sacrifice every single morning only to return me once again at night during 'bed time'. No, I am not sick.... No, I am not hungover, No, the Toddler didn't break my nose again...... I'm a MOTHER.... ok? These are mother eyes... or is it also, just me? Is it? Oh god.... am I the only mess? 

Crap.

Ok.... maybe this is just a 'me' thing, but as I am rubbing my baby sushi belly-I just needed to talk about it, because.... I'm on this struggle bus some days and I hope I'm not the only one.... 

I hope you all stay cool today! Happy Sunday. 

Living my best life. 

Hello, My Name Is.....

Today I though maybe we should..... get to know me better?

Ew, honestly I just threw up a little bit thinking about how obnoxious that sounds.... but I know some of you may not know the chick behind the blog... so I'm going to share... I'm sorry ahead of time. 

Ten random, pointless facts about myself: 

1. I was and am still super nerdy. I totally own it, being my true nerdy self makes me feel safe and at home. [this combined with my insane social anxiety end up clashing many, many times over... but when I feel safe enough around someone to let my nerd flag fly... I'm in utopia]

2. So I guess, my social anxiety is a thing... I love blogging because if I embarrass myself on here, I don't have to see your reaction. After my brother died, my social anxiety really blossomed into what it is now. He was always my 'security blanket', he would always be beside me, and would kind of throw me into meeting people.... and some of my favorite people came from him doing that.... and for that- I will be eternally grateful. [If you never had the chance to meet him, you missed out... he was the best. ever. period]

3. I own 12 grey oversized v-neck [with the side pocket] t-shirts..... I wish I had more. I own dresses and fancy crap... but every time I don't know what to wear, they magically end up on my body.... and I'm here for it. 

4. My kids are my actual life, I am beyond worried about what I'm going to do with myself when they graduate.... high school. I have been tempted on more that one occasion to have more children, just so that I don't have to worry about being empty nesting for another 5 years after the Toddler graduates.... and by then Mini could maybe be having my grandchildren... which would save me from myself.... lord help my children..... they mama is cray.

-I will say this: if they both don't fully pursue their dreams and fly this crazy coop as soon as they can, to be whatever they decide to be, I will shove them out the door myself. But I will be there every step of the way, continuously so stinking proud of them, and I cannot wait for that time of life. but please go slow. I want to love every moment of each of their lives... they are magic. 

5. I LOVE fashion. When I was 17 I was accepted into FIT in New York.... based solely off my essay I wrote *thanks to my almost unhealthy obsession with Narciso Rodriguez*.... I didn't go thanks to many sources deterring me. I, to this day, regret listening to those not encouraging my dreams... Thanks to reflection and time I have worked through understandable resentment, and really honed into my forgiveness skills. *Jesus took that wheel*

6. I bake like a boss. Just, I do. You want a cheesecake? DONE. You want creme brulee? Mine is about 100x better than any crap you're getting around town. I'm pretty self depreciating in most areas of my life [working on it] but when it comes to baking, I'll make your sweet tooth happy AF.

7. I feel guilty about everything... my family has always joked about my 'catholic' guilt... since I'm not catholic. There's a joke in there somewhere......

8. I had a VERY short lived music, moment? Myspace. Three songs. Was contacted by a few labels... I thought I was epic at the time [I WAS NOT].... my dad told me not to pursue it because it would hurt my brothers feelings. And NO you cannot google me, I didn't use my name... THANK GOD. 

9. I spent most of my Summer, Winter, Spring breaks in Michigan... Petoskey. With some of my favorite people. They made me.... I had so many first of my life there. Some of my best moments, most of my best moments before 18, were there. They still are everything in my heart. If you haven't been, go. Everything is so clear and calm there. You won't regret it. 

Finally, I am done rambling your eyes off with beyond stupid, lame 'ten things about me' that really no one cares about but I still did because I'm basic. After this last one:

10. I'm just a really awkward introvert, who is spending her life trying to figure out how to grieve my [brother] best friend forever [he passed away in 2013], trying to not completely be a hermit, be a good mom, friend, wife, daughter, and still find who I am..... And for that I am so sorry, y'all... you are here for this mess. Thank you for reading, I'm not kidding... it means more than you know. 

Happy Tuesday boo thangs. You're all the real MVPs.

12/13 years ago me.... Yes. #emogirl

Slow Down, Please.

Today was Mother's Day.

And it was perfect. Not in that cheesy, lame Facebook post way. It was perfect for me. And, I mean, isn't that what actually matters? 

I slept in, then when I woke up I was able to get ready for TWO hours-in an empty house. After slathering myself with makeup, I was hugged and loved and given gifts and taken to my favorite brunch spot ever. EVER. I devored all the brisket and bacon lardon topped pizza. Took a walk to the park, and finished off the day with a serenading Toddler. I am now sitting with my feet up, relaxing [I am watching the neighbor also a mom around my age mow her yard.... as her husband plays with their kid I loudly whispered to her from the comfort of my couch, 'you're doing it wrong' and then continued to sit on my butt... because I'm doing it right]

As I sit here, I am overwhelmed with feelings. I wanted to share with you all.... because... I can?

It is so hard, as a mom, to watch my kids grow up so damn fast. I want to freeze every moment. Even the crazy, insane sleepless moments, the silly moments, the stressful moments, the anxious moments, in all these moments I find myself still praying that the time slows down. Over the past year the biggest thing I have found myself repeating over and over again is, 'slow down'. Everything is so fast and busy, we are a generation of expediting and instant gratification.... and I don't want to participate in that anymore. The more I slow down, the more I think about what fills my heart- I embrace a much slower pace, whenever I am able too. I want to sit and do nothing sometimes, just because I can, just because it makes me feel at peace. I want to remember these moments, watching my kids laugh together, watch them be small still, watch them figure out day by day who they want to be when they grow up. I don't want to only remember rushing them from 'thing' to 'thing' or just the big moments in their lives... I want to remember the giggles, the hugs, the quiet moments... I want to remember the way that they sleep or the way that they imagine together. I want to capture so many moments that I am afraid some day will be forgotten.... We spend all this time raising them, we deserve to love as many moments as we can of it. Capture and savor as much as we can. Please babies, slow down. 

This is my heart, my souls desire. And then just like that I am brought back to mom-ality [mom reality] and I find myself laughing my butt off as we all cheer very, VERY loudly for the Toddler who just took a grown man sized poop on the potty.... and even that, I want to remember. These learning and growing moments together. 

I'm beyond thankful to be their mom, and I am blessed with how much they love me and love being my babies..... I will never understand how I was given such an amazing gift X2 but I will always thank God for my place in their lives. 

I hope you all had a wonderful day, but my heart goes out to those that are struggling to conceive, struggling to adopt, have lost their own babies, have lost their mommy's- those that are grieving something today that no one understands. My heart is with you, and I am sending you so much of my love and prayers.

“To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow.” – Maya Angelou

Yo Mama's Day

Mother's Day.....

It's a day, huh?

I don't like the focus to be just on me, I want it to be collectively on just having fun-for all of us. When you have a toddler who doesn't know if he's going to be happy or angry that day, that sometimes messes up that plan.

I don't need to do any special, just maybe sleep in... just maybe not have to ask anyone to stop fighting, just maybe let me eat pizza in bed without a bra on while watching reality TV. [which I haven't watch in 5 months.... I'm struggling]

--------------

You guys, my toddler is terrified of pooping on the potty. He's been crying for the past 5 minutes because it started to happen and took him by surprise.... I just want to know, does it get better? Will he ever be potty trained? Will I survive? I'm really not sure. 

I think that there should be a support group for potty training strong willed boys. It's a scary situation and I'm not sure who has cried more during this process... and we are no closer than we were LAST YEAR when I started this. 

I do not understand....

I do not get how anyone would want to sit in their own shit. 

That. Sounds. Awful. 

But I guess he likes gross things. 

Yep, I'm judging my toddler. Full judgement. 

[three hours laps, cleaning house, facetiming, phone calls, work]

Oh. My. GOSH. 

You guys. He just went on the potty. 3 hours but he did it! 

Today's going to be a good day!

Before I head off today I wanted to share with you all a few Mother's Day gift ideas, just in case you needed some inspo (click the links):

 A cute necklace

Or maybe a bracelet

Bomb brunch... this it on my list

THE BEST cookies ever, ships anywhere

Chocolate covered strawberries= life

A gift that keeps on giving

Or a personalized gift full of memories!

Or a session to memorialize your love for your mama!!

Happy Thursday, Babes!

Friday tales on a Sunday.

I don't know what is in the air... but it's not good.

I hate to be one to complain... cue the complain train:

This week has been... a week. As I hide behind my laptop my children have just subsided their fighting over an emoji pillow for the first time in over an hour, thanks to my homemade blueberry muffins, that I'm not supposed to have but am lusting over in a really weird way. 

Baking shit, it could solve wars-I swear. 

For now it just solved the fight over the double heart eye emoji pillow from-probably Walmart- that cost a grand total of five bucks and is worth throwing down over between a ten and three year old.

The logic there is really solid you guys. This is a fight worth having. 

I MEAN. 

*cracks open a 4:32 PM Beer....*

Literally. Judge me. 

Toddler realizes that after throwing himself on the floor over the pillow, mommy needs a break so he slowly shuts the door between us. He knows what he did.

It's Friday. 

Some of my friends are going home and getting pretty... some are meeting someone for happy hour.... and I'm sitting here in my mom romper and my mom messy bun and my mom life.... and I'm praying I get to the early bird special in time while knowing FULL well that my kids are going to be assholes the entire time and I will have to correct them. in public but I DO NOT CARE. I need to feel like I'm someone that leaves their house. Even if it's to the early bird special in my grandma cardigan and even if I still make it home by 6 PM to watch animal specials on Netflix.... I just wanna live.....

I JUST WANNA LIVE.

puts half the of the beer back in the fridge for later after sealing the top because.... I can't get too crazy... I have children. 

[also waste not want not]

who have I become?

Could you just not?

Brace... yourself.

Ok first off babes, I decided to give you all a set schedule of when my blogs are coming out... [gives myself a set schedule] Three times a week blogs go out on: Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday every week! now that it's in writing, I'm going to be accountable -jebus take the wheel.

Am I the only person that can eat any dinner meal for breakfast before 8 AM with no issue? I love it, so I am sitting here eating grilled chicken and scraping the sides of my Hooters sauce jar to get the last of it.... It's my jam. [it's not an actual jam... obvs]

I was thinking to myself [out loud to the dogs and insane toddler running around] about how fast this year has gone, and it is so crazy to me. In less than a month we have an entire Summer of fun and I'm super excited. For now I have to calmly get through the next month of insanity and my eye has already started twitching-seriously. 

My oldest has a Science Fair [which there are eroding hard boiled eggs in beakers on my kitchen counter that have been there for far to long as a reminder] two awards nights, and a musical... in the next 22 days. Thank god my other kiddo is too young to be hectic yet. 

Does today feel like a Friday to anyone else? 

I'm mentally preparing myself for the second half of the day... it's going to be cray ya'll. 

Today..... TODAY......

Mini is getting braces. I'm not here for it. 

I am not. 

She has no idea what she is in for.... 

So for now I will keep agreeing with her on how exciting it's going to be to pick her band colors.

PRAY FOR US ALL.

-----------------------

*Getting closer to FINALLY updating my Etsy page BTW, so I'll be letting y'all know when it's live this month!! 

HAPPY FRI-TUESDAY !!

Cue tears. Stop growing so fast.

Trigger Warning: Long story about gross things.....

So, I thought I was shot... when I was ten. 

Let me tell you the story: 

It was Thanksgiving morning.... the air was crisp, the sun hiding behind a layer of clouds...

[honestly I don't know what the weather was like.... it was 21 years ago]

I had turned 10 the summer before, and I was very naive.... keep that in mind.

I woke up, disoriented in a dark room at my grandparents house.  

I also woke up with a severe, crippling pain, it felt as though I was dying slowly. 

I turned on the light to get ready for the day [I crawled to the light switch-lets be honest.]

And as I pulled myself up to the light and propped my broken body against the wall I looked down... to my horror I had been shot. The pain all made sense. I had been shot. 

I crawled to the hall-shouting out for help- "PLEASE SOMEONE, HELP, I'VE BEEN SHOT!' 

no one answered, everyone left me to die. 

Typical.... 

who shot me? was it someone I knew? 

I made it to the kitchen, that 25 feet of bloody, desperate crawling really made my gun shot wound ache even more.....

There in the glow of the florescent kitchen lights was my cousin, 14 year old male cousin half way through puberty and thankful a brother to 5 girls- and looking completely terrified. 

"What's wrong, Beth?"

"Jordan.... I've been shot."

"What?? Where??"

"I don't know where! But I've been shot. I'm in so much pain... and no one is here... AND JORDAN.... there is blood EVERYWHERE. I am not going to make it much longer... I can tell."

His face seemed to look less terrified, almost calm. [Not the reaction I was wanting in this moment of slow, painful death]

"B, I think I know what is going on. You are going to be ok."

YOU KNOW NOTHING YOU IDIOT.... -I thought very loudly but kept to myself because I needed his help. 

"I think you started your period.... this is normal, I'll show you what you need to do. Everyone goes through this."

"OH.... DO YOU??"

"Well no, not everyone.... just women"

"Well, that's not even fair" [cue me literally sobbing uncontrollably]

Since everyone was next door rehearsing their Thanksgiving music special at the church [my grandpa was a pastor and the church was on the same plot as the house] Jordan went in the bathroom and found a weird square package and a tube package.... they both looked terrifying. 

"One goes on your underwear... the other one.... in you. I don't know but you'll figure it out-I'll go find our moms" 

"IN ME????? NOPE. Wait outside the door, what if I die?"

"You're not going to die."

I DIDN'T DIE. 

You guys, I DIDN'T die. 

Later that day I found out I had a Vagina... and what a Vagina was. That was a little shocking. Also found out what a period was. That was disgusting... AND THEN I found out that it happened monthly... and I asked to have a Penis instead. Apparently that takes a surgery and our insurance didn't cover it. 

All this story to let ya'll know... My daughter thought she was shot this week. [she didn't really, I've been preparing her for this for about a year... she's read the books, had her first moon supplies, etc. my trauma made me over prepare her]

I feel officially old. 

Why can't you just be 4 again?

Why is there fur in my cupcake?

So I have a massive dog. 

He's like, huge. 

No not like your Lab.

NO not like your Rott.

He's still bigger. A lot bigger. 

About 160 big. 

He broke my Dyson vacuum when he was only a year and half old by the sheer volume of hair he produces. [double coat year round]

He was harder to console than my infant the first 9 months of his life. 

His craps are bigger than my Pomeranian.

He has a severely sensitive stomach AKA when he gets the butt squirts it's a damn flood. 

He's a week away from being 3 and he's still my big, perfect baby. 

But this week... he's had a week. It's almost like he knows it's almost his birthday and he's not ready for it. He's overwhelmed you guys. Like, I'm not kidding you. He's been heavy sighing more than usual. He's been head hugging more than usual. He's been 'under foot' [which like is more trying to be under crotch but just lifting mom up] more than usual. I keep telling him, 'babe, it's all going to be ok'.... but he's a man, he doesn't listen. he didn't even act this dramatic when I had his balls consciously uncoupled from his body.

Do you ever have those days where you look at your kid and you know, 'nothing is getting done today, this guys going to make it a struggle bus day'.... Well by about 7:10 this morning I knew today was one of those days, not because of the kids but because of the massive blob that decided he could fit on the couch [he has never climbed on before...ever] because he needed mommy. But then Dal [his 3 year old little toddler he owns] was in his way... he needed to be closer to mom. So, in true giant dog fashion-he moved the ottoman out of the way and became my ottoman... after fussing with the rug that wasn't to his liking, he finally passed out, underfoot and now I can't move. Because you never wake a sleeping baby. DUH. 

So, I guess I will work from this EXACT spot, breathe lightly, and hope he gets the comfort he needs in the next hour so I'm able to move again. 

It's not easy being almost three. 

My 43" three year old and my 160 pound almost three year old. 

I thought today was Monday.

Today felt like a Monday. My sinus infection is really putting a cramp in my sleep schedule. But my sinus infection can suck it. I don't have time to be tired. I don't have time to NOT sleep. 

I hit snooze 10 times. I'm literally the worst mom and I hit snooze TEN times. I still packed her lunch, drove her to school... but I really pushed the envelope today.

Every inch of my body felt like it had been hit by a train. But life happens and I had to shove myself into momentum. Coffee. Coffee helps most everything, and nasal spray. That statement makes me feel old. But, as I take all 8 of my vitamins and my heart burn medicine- I feel that nasal spray kick in and I am feeling a LOT better. 

After drop off I got to photograph an awesome little dude and we got into some tacos for his session. So it was perfect. And then I went to Target..... so, I mean. You get it, you know. I was fine. I will survive today, Venti latte in hand- and a red cart in the other, you pretty much feel invincible at least until you check out. 

And once you get past check out, you remember you have a doctors appointment. 

Dermatologist time.

Honestly one of my more exciting appointments, my dermatologist has completely changed my skin in 6 weeks, after a year of cystic acne and pain and scars-and multiple doctors promising me they could fix it. Low T has really screwed with my body, but at least someone has me on the right track skin wise- Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

We made a plan for next month, burning my face off for weeks on end until I have a whole new face.

Sound so fun I can hardly wait. 

I finally made it home, cleaned the house, fed the fam, and put to everyone to bed..... I finally had some quiet time to take a shower. Mid-shower [the steam feeling like a million little hands massaging my sinuses] and I hear a tap on the door.

nooooo. no. just no. go to bed. -says the little voice in my head.

"Yes?" my mouth says. Against the little voices' better judgement.

"Mom I peed myself...." [literally only one pull up left in the house till tomorrow]

"What?"

"Yeah, I peed... I'm really disappointed in myself"

You and me both babe, you and me both.

"It's okay boo, I'll be right out."

I swear you guys, today just felt like Monday.

And of course mid popcorn pour for the kids the bag exploded.... so I ate counter popcorn.

I went to the gym.....

I was awake with a sick little dude, coughing in my face... til about 4 AM. I realized at 9 am I had no coffee in the house. [cue sobbing in the bathroom for about 23 minutes while everyone else was still fast asleep] So now I am sitting here with JUST my tea-caffeine free crap- and a bowl full of refried beans and Tabasco sauce. Judge me, I dare you... honestly I'm too tired to care at this point. I'm a mess-and I fully accept it. 

The knot in my butt of testosterone replacement is doing well, thanks for asking.... it's turning into a nice shade of purple.... so I'm heading to the gym to hopefully walk it out. And speaking of the gym, I have a story for you. I just couldn't NOT share with you. 

A few days ago I was at the gym, I try to go at the slowest times possible, I am gym antisocial and EXTREMELY sweaty.... those two things don't need high traffic. I made it to my stationary bike, towel in hand, layers of shirts and lack of any desire to be there what so ever... but I promised my doctor I'd try my best...... and I had nothing else going on. I set my settings, logged myself in and chose my course.

Feeling more and more like wings sounded better than being at the gym.

I settled into my jaunt around some ridiculously themed track on my bike screen and I was thoroughly trying to enjoy myself when I felt someones eyes on me.

 I scan the room, Caroline by Amine blasting in my headphones.

In the middle of a very slow gym 

stood a man at a solid 5' 8", deeply tanned, oiled [yes, oiled] arms-neck-chest, spiked, frosted tips, cut off sleeves [tapered in at the nipples], topped off with some extra short shorts even I would be cautious while wearing. He was holding himself with a deep self-confidence most would envy. Arms crossed, one knee bowed to the side-looking seriously serious about something that was really, really serious. [Furrowed brow and all]

I started to become increasingly concerned with the strong almost constipated looks he was creating. His stance was strong-only moving enough to adjust from one leg bend to another..... 

He continued this stance for about ten minutes. I was beyond invested at this point. 

AND THEN.

And then, you guys.

He walked past me. He was FINALLY done with his dedicated posing and worrisome looks.....

As he walks by.... the most shockingly.... offensive.... crop dust of all times enveloped my face, my body, and I truly believe- my soul as well.

I could not contain myself. 

The uncontrollable giggle could not be contained.

The smell was so rude.

BUT his commitment to trying to air it out for SO long was beyond impressive, I had to give it to him.

Let me be honest, I hate working out. So, when I workout I need entertainment. And that, my dear loves, that gave me so much to hold on too.

So that is my entirely pointless story. Have a wonderful Sunday!

My sick boos still being sick