What's the big Deal?

Over the past (almost) year I've been a pretty bad friend. 

A crappy friend. 

I noticed this not to long ago, while crying over a box of Thin Mints. 

No, not hormonal crying. Sad crying. I had just had a heart wrenching conversation with my daughter....

(We have decided to postpone telling her about my brother's passing, no... I don't care what you think. This is our process)

"Mom, what's so great about having a little brother? Do you like having one?"

My stomach dropped. 

In this moment I was mid-text to someone about to make plans to do something and I knew I was not going to make it after the conversation I was going to have to choke back tears through.....

"He will drive you nuts, but he will also be your best friend, he will stand by you no matter what, and at the end of the day when you grow up and are best friends in your teens and adulthood.... he will be the only person that knows sometimes there is nothing left to say after a crappy day.... sometimes after a crappy day you just need a Carmelo and a hug.... and someone to re-watch a Wes Anderson movie with you for the 1000th time. (Okay usually two Carmelo's)."

She looked at me confused.... I knew she wouldn't understand yet. But someday she will.

"Oh. But he's going to steal my toys... and be annoying."

"Yep, he will. But it'll be okay. That's his job. Just think he'll have toys you will probably steal too."

"That's true. Okay I'm going to play with Gisele and watch some My Little Pony."

After she left the room I crumbled a little. Because of everything. And it happens so much. More than I like to acknowledge. Because when I am around people that I love, that I'm friends with and they have that 'sibling' still that is their best friend... I get jealous. I get sad. I get..... overwhelmed. And then I pray they never have to watch a weird movie by themselves.... while being afraid to buy their favorite candy bar... just because it might, just might, hurt so much they'll implode. 

I'm sure it all seems so simple. So dramatic to an, 'outsider'. I hate looking at myself sometimes because I'm embarrassed at what all hurts still. All the simple little things. But they can wreck my day. My week. In the blink of an eye. And I admit I have no control yet over it. Will I ever? Who knows. 

I know it'll get better. Hopefully. And I'm sorry. 

And as the moment gets closer to when Mini will have that little 'bother', I pray she thinks he is as awesome as I know he will be. They could have everything and more if they get passed the 'annoyances' and just embrace being buddies. 

I hate he will never get to begrudgingly hold his nephew.... I can't believe this was almost 7 years ago.