I went to the gym.....

I was awake with a sick little dude, coughing in my face... til about 4 AM. I realized at 9 am I had no coffee in the house. [cue sobbing in the bathroom for about 23 minutes while everyone else was still fast asleep] So now I am sitting here with JUST my tea-caffeine free crap- and a bowl full of refried beans and Tabasco sauce. Judge me, I dare you... honestly I'm too tired to care at this point. I'm a mess-and I fully accept it. 

The knot in my butt of testosterone replacement is doing well, thanks for asking.... it's turning into a nice shade of purple.... so I'm heading to the gym to hopefully walk it out. And speaking of the gym, I have a story for you. I just couldn't NOT share with you. 

A few days ago I was at the gym, I try to go at the slowest times possible, I am gym antisocial and EXTREMELY sweaty.... those two things don't need high traffic. I made it to my stationary bike, towel in hand, layers of shirts and lack of any desire to be there what so ever... but I promised my doctor I'd try my best...... and I had nothing else going on. I set my settings, logged myself in and chose my course.

Feeling more and more like wings sounded better than being at the gym.

I settled into my jaunt around some ridiculously themed track on my bike screen and I was thoroughly trying to enjoy myself when I felt someones eyes on me.

 I scan the room, Caroline by Amine blasting in my headphones.

In the middle of a very slow gym 

stood a man at a solid 5' 8", deeply tanned, oiled [yes, oiled] arms-neck-chest, spiked, frosted tips, cut off sleeves [tapered in at the nipples], topped off with some extra short shorts even I would be cautious while wearing. He was holding himself with a deep self-confidence most would envy. Arms crossed, one knee bowed to the side-looking seriously serious about something that was really, really serious. [Furrowed brow and all]

I started to become increasingly concerned with the strong almost constipated looks he was creating. His stance was strong-only moving enough to adjust from one leg bend to another..... 

He continued this stance for about ten minutes. I was beyond invested at this point. 

AND THEN.

And then, you guys.

He walked past me. He was FINALLY done with his dedicated posing and worrisome looks.....

As he walks by.... the most shockingly.... offensive.... crop dust of all times enveloped my face, my body, and I truly believe- my soul as well.

I could not contain myself. 

The uncontrollable giggle could not be contained.

The smell was so rude.

BUT his commitment to trying to air it out for SO long was beyond impressive, I had to give it to him.

Let me be honest, I hate working out. So, when I workout I need entertainment. And that, my dear loves, that gave me so much to hold on too.

So that is my entirely pointless story. Have a wonderful Sunday!

My sick boos still being sick 

I'm going through changes [Pt 2]

So......... still 30.

Opens a Trinidad from Fanny Mae because I do life RIGHT.

Also, cracks open a beer... because wine hurts my belly. [GERD]

Dear Mrs. Smith:

You're 30 so here is Low T... which includes: Cystic Acne, facial hair, low 'snuggle' drive, exhaustion, and EXTREME anger. Here is a shot in the ass once a month. *gets shot in ass* [allergic to the cottonseed oil in shot- pukes and has injection rejected throughout the body for three weeks]

Still has a beard..... still has massive zits creating pain only Satan himself would wish upon me. [I know you're still making me pay for what I did freshman year *never forget* cue me brushing me beard out]

Hello 30 year old Bethanie.. with an IE. 

IE unlike any other Bethany ever born, ever. 

Fun story... I was born with an insanely massive tongue. Like, so big I have permanent teeth marks on my tongue from childhood. Like, I had a lisp I STILL battle controlling circa 1989 [your boo at 2 years old]... and it's STILL not adorable.

Please-for my years of crippling social anxiety, introversion, and self doubt say, 'Bethanie Nicole Nicolas' with a strong lisp, ten times fast. 

YEAHHHHHH, sign me up for therapy *1997*

[doesn't actually make it to therapy till 2006-damage is already done.... *too f-ed up to solve worlds problems, get's a pizza instead- orders self help books on Prime, falls asleep early, immediately after meditation app completes session*7 PM*]

God, you're STILL 30. 

My daughter's response to love shit.... she gets it... more than most adults. #getitgirl

Do your boobs hang low? [PT. 1]

Hey y'all. It's been a minute. Sorry. Not sorry, I gave myself some time to grieve, go insane, and find myself again.... thank you for the patient 2 years. Mama needed it.

So, I did a thing last year... and I need to come clean about it.

I turned 30. 

I'm not kidding you.....

It came out of left field and slapped me straight across my face. Have any of you turned 30? Like DO YOU KNOW what it means to turn 30?

I know it's been a while, but I'm going to tell you what happened to me when I turned 30 if that's ok?

K, don't care-I'm doing it.

PART 1:

Turns 30:

I workout, I take care of my body, I only eat bad on the weekends. 

I had two kids, but that's all.

I drink but only on the weekends.

I run but only towards candy and pizza....

I mean... like... you get it, I was good enough to be the best mediocre me. And I liked it. 

Wakes up June 12, 2017....

*THUMP*

Boobs FALL to the ground, rolling out of bed. Lifts them to a tight roll, tucked with precision under my armpits and taped tightly to my back.... YES, back. As a mom you find that out of sight, out of mind is the best when it comes to any unneeded extremity. And after two kids, lets be honest... dem boobies are definitely unneeded. 

(They have done their time)

Gets dressed.

Notices butt bubble has deflated. Cries a little but gets it. Gravity. Does 20 extra squats [on the way to biscuits and gravy]

Thoroughly enjoys the full serving of biscuits and gravy.

Live yo life bae. 

------

Today is the beginning of something fierce, baby.. you are 30. You are a beast. You DO you. 

Enjoys a probiotic.... drinks digestive tea. Thinks about the Starbucks Pink drink calling your name. [light ice because you ain't no fool] 

You DO you........

To be continued-

Because Yesterdog knows my true self. Bitch.