My birthday. I miss you.

Every year since my brother died I have had such a hard time celebrating my birthday. I cry every year.... I didn't understand fully why, for the first couple of years... but I finally started to understand after the third year. I feel selfish being able to still celebrate my birthday.... 

I know, that sounds stupid to anyone that has not lost someone close, but I really do feel that if you have, you get it. 

It is so heart breaking to think about I am sure, no matter who you are, but until you have to live it... you will never understand. 

I wake up on my birthday, and I cry. I cry because I have two wonderful babies that are so excited to celebrate me... a family that wants to plan something, a husband that wants to do something special, friends that want to do something for it... and I know that no matter what, I am still going to have a heaviness in my heart that entire day. NOT because I do not appreciate all that I have, I do more than I can express... but because he is not here. He will not be here for my 30's, 40's, 50's.... and that sucks.

IT SUCKS.

I want to scream it. Sometimes. But I don't.... I hide in the bathroom, cry into a towel for about 15 minutes-until the babies wake up. And then I rally, because who wants to remember their mom crying every damn birthday??

So, this is that depressing post I try to steer clear of, but it is life.... and I write about life... the cute, the stupid, the real, the funny, and yes-sometimes the sad. 

Can I be me for a second? Please don't judge to harshly....

I miss him so much I ache.... I miss having a best friend sibling. I miss the text messages, I miss the stupid calls, I miss the just because... I miss the hugs.... I miss the secrets.... I miss the, US. Damn it. I walk around every day feeling an emptiness. I am so grateful for the people that include me because they know my sadness.... I'll never be able to thank them enough. But, I hope everyone with a sibling knows-I hope you LOVE the shit out of them. I hope you feel grateful for them, even when they upset you... and please, love on those that have lost their own whenever you can... because we need it, more than you know.

I love you all. Thank you for putting up with my awkwardness. 

B

Tears over here: 

Family night the summer before he passed away.

We were a mess... and I loved it. (5'7" an 6'5")

Us and the ex wife lol 

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.

He was just my best friend ever. He let me be weird. He loved me. No matter what. 

I miss laughing with him

I miss being near him.

Damn it. I thought this would be easier.... can you all just love someone with all your heart for me. Yes, I'm balling my eyes out... and yes I hate missing him. I hate feeling alone after feeling so complete with him around. Just, please, love as much as you can. 

That one time you ....

Men and small children, turn back you aren't welcome here today. I said...turn back. Why are you still reading? You no welcome. Go home now. 

Anyway, you've been warned. I am done trying to save you from this uncomfortable post.....

My family has the hardest struggles when it comes to our lady bits (told you it was getting gross).... cysts, Endometriosis, and many more issues. Therefore, when it comes to medicine that can aide in the limitation of our discomfort, we are all more than willing to participate. When I was offered something that could help me recently, I jumped on it. It is called an IUD. I will not go into details most of you know what that is and if you do not, Google dot com it. Obviously.

Gross. You're welcome 

I was told that it was simple procedure, it was nothing to worry about, I was told I 'wouldn't feel a thing' and I could 'go back to my normal activities' as soon as I left the office.

They. Lied. To. Me.

Let's just say I rather had been in labor than the pain this little T-shaped jerk was causing me. 

I ran into one of my lovely friends at my daughter's school the next day, and after the kids went in I looked at her and told her the reason I looked so worn down and exhausted, I had just had an IUD put in. 

She looked at me a little taken back, confused even.... (I realized then I may have been a little too open) But I smiled and said, "Yeah, it was not fun. I don't even know how I am standing here right now." She courteously smiled at me, but behind her eyes... I saw fear. 

Flash forward about four hours later.... I had really felt as though I had over stepped my bounds... I had said too much.... I was feeling pretty ridiculous when I received a text from the same friend....

"So, I think I'm hearing dyslexic.... I thought you had said you had gotten a DUI."

Party.

Let me just tell you this was the most amazingly reassuring text I had ever received. And hysterical at the same time. 

And at that moment I thought, this is why we're friends ;)

PS. I recommend no one ever gets an IUD. I lasted two weeks with it and almost died. 

The End. 

Downton Abbey, Rant.

So Happy Freak'n Friday.

Not happy.

Not at all.

My whole day has been ruined. 

Thanks a lot for asking, yes I am going to tell you why. 

Downton Abbey. My love. My heart. My soul. 

I have been watching every show religiously through the season to catch up and last night I watched season 3 finale. 

I'm mad.

I'm angry.

I'm even a little hangry. (look it up dumby.... sorry that's the hangry talking) 

I'm done.

I have worked through deaths of hot guys, sisters. False imprisonment. Sexual harassment. Heart break. Prostitution. Parties. Broken ovens. Stealing. Lying. And a freaking war! But this....this finale was uncalled for. You took away my main man. My love. You took my feelings and washed them down the drain. And I hate you for it. Thanks for nothing. You suck, Downton Abbey. You suck. 

So thanks for ruining my weekend. My heart. And some of my future aspirations. 

Not. 

You had my heart...and you broke it. 

What's Up, Wednesday? (Bigger bed, Bigger Problem)

Wednesday seems to be rolling around about once a week these days. I'm okay with it. It reminds me either that my paycheck is around the corner or I'm at least a few short days away from the weekend. So, Wednesday is okay in my book. I've decided to make Wednesday apart of my bloggy life by asking what's up? Since the idea of calling it hump day makes me think of cellulite and camels, I just really don't feel like saying, "Happy Hump day"....yes, I just said it.....dang it. Any way, here is what is up: 

My bed.

My headboard was propped in my living room. #excitedface #hashtagonablog

It seemed like the right thing to do. After months, and months, and months of not actually putting my bed frame in, it seemed like the time had come. I had purchased this beauty from an amazingly talented photographer/artist over at Lady and the Lens and it was/is gorgeous. I just ogled it all the time, hoping (praying) that it would fit in my itty-bitty room. Then it hit me, it was time for the move. The bed move. And so it happened. 

Let's just talk about  this head board for a hot second. It covers my windows. Like, I had four and now I only have two. It completely covers them. Not just a little bit. Like, the whole thing. But I"m okay with that. I embrace the big head board. I am one with it....at night.... or anytime I lay in the bed. 

There is a window back there....behind the bed. 

But lets talk about how I get into bed. This is where the issues start. I'm not short. I'm not massively tall but I am definitely not short. This bed, is a beast. When I sit on the edge my feet dangle, a foot about the ground. I'm just saying, it's weird. It probably doesn't help that I have a bed topper on top of this already huge bed...but it feels like a cloud (a need, not just a want). So getting into bed, as you can imagine, is not for the faint of heart:

1. I first like to try and get a running jump. This is an instant fail because there is no room left in my room for a running jump...or even a walking jump.

2. Next I try a few rock climbing moves. (I've got the skills, don't worry about it) Yet, the pillow topper is to soft to grab a hold of so instead I just land on my back. On the floor.

3. Then the whole, I'll just slide into it thing happens, I slide.....to the floor.

4. Finally, stuff* gets real. Like. REAL. 

5. Grappling hook, heaving. Curses. Yelling. Bruises. 

6. Make it into bed. Then I realize I left the light on. 

7. Decide to just sleep with the stupid light on. 

8. Have dreams about how I will get into bed tomorrow night.

9. Hot sweats. Cold sweats

10. And repeat.

My brother is 6' 6"......scale for size. YEP.

Happy Wednesday, that's whats up! (Sooooo cheesy. I will work on that for next Wednesday)