A Ripe Mosaic

~

I never know how to start something that I know will be difficult to write. And today, especially, I don't know how to write about death. I am sure there is someone out there that is well versed in the eloquence needed to write on those that have passed on. I am a religious person, and I am sure I could lead off with that foot... but for me in this moment that is not what I am looking for. I am not mad at God. I am not angry at Him for this death, I find it immature when people use that cop-out. We are a product of our own doing from the moment we can comprehend right and wrong till our last breath. I am not saying that is true, that is my truth. So, today though I may not be ready too, I am going to write about my loss. 

I felt love at a very young age. Real, unconditional, true love. He came into this world, to annoy the hell out of me September 21, 1989. He was rough, he was loud, he was sneaky, he broke things, and more than anything he frustrated me. We fought, we bickered, and even at times I begged God to let me sell him for a kitten. God obviously knew something I didn't. In the midst of the bloody noses and the minor concussions.... we became best friends. We knew everything about each other. We knew each others fears, dreams, wants, and needs. He was my platonic first love. 

As we grew up I never needed anyone to make me feel special because I already had that someone. He fiercely protected me just as much as he fought with me. We learned how to be independent... together. We supported each others failures and successes. We lied for each other. We imagined for each other. He loved me the way I dreamt someday a man would love me forever, and I him. He loved me when I didn't deserve it and no one else did. 

When I made mistakes, over and over again, he told me not to mind what others thought... because he knew I did. I followed him to every music gig I could possible. I wanted to be by his side always. And now I've failed him in that respect.

Please don't console me. That's not what I'm asking. That isn't the reason I'm writing this. I don't pity myself or the time that I won't have with him. I ache because I lost my best friend. I ache because so many thought/think they knew him the way I did. I ache because I see the hole that his absence has left so many. It pains me to know the dark secrets that I do, that no one will ever know but me now. It hurts to see so many people that didn't care for him, act like they give a rats ass now...even worse that they have the audacity to contact me (pigs). 

But for those that loved him, thank you. You're love is felt by me. Everyday I feel your love. Every moment I loose my breath, I take another one knowing there is love out there for him still and the one of a kind being he was. You make me smile when all I can do is cry, your faces, even if not in front of me, remind me how important it is to keep loving. For everything that he was, and everything he did, and everything he was judged for.... there is one thing he did better than anyone else I've ever met. He LOVED the hell out of those around him. He hugged like a maniac, he cared-not just listened-he cared because he loved you and me. 

Remember him for that please. That is all I'm asking. If I could get one massive gift from anyone, when you think of him... think of that massive heart of his. That loved like literally no one I ever have met did. 

That fucking love has carried me the past few weeks.

To all of you, thank you. Thank you, and you know who you are for keeping me loved, keeping him loved.

(Mini was there too.... in my belly)

Tyler,

I promise you, my love, I will always keep you closer to my heart that you can comprehend and ever did. I will not let those that hurt you before hurt me our those we love, ever. I will make sure you are in my heart always and that you feel it, where ever you are. See you in my dreams honey.

Play on.

~

His Voice for the Quiet Moments.

Today we must DANCE.

Yes sometimes you get....tired.

But the world around you is still spinning and life is still happening. 

You cannot stop what you are doing, not always, but in those moments of PURE exhaustion.....

You should just dance.

Yep. Dance. 

I have found that it is the best stress reliever, the best happy motion you can do immediately that can change the course of your day.

So stop. Get wiggly. And Dance. 

You go girl (or boy)! 

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

The Good Shepherd. (Thursday Thoughts)

Do you ever have one of those nights where you sleep but it's a 10 minutes here 10 minutes there kind of sleep? Well I have....my loves decided it was one of those nights last night. So today I am a bit of a zombie of sorts. I know there are places I need to go and things I need to get done but I am in a fog (thank you iPhone calendar for keeping me on track!) So pardon my disorganization....

This week I ordered a few new devotions for myself, I have one handy for little ones but I haven't had one just specifically for me for a while now (other than the Bible itself). So I splurged and invested in a few. But until they get here I still am reading and exploring and rediscovering things that I learned in my youth. I love that about life and the Word, there is never a right time to go to it, but even better there is never a wrong time. It takes two seconds to find a verse or passage that can change your entire outlook for the day. I love every inch of that thought. 

Here is what touched me today: 

^{John 10:14} “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— ¹⁵ just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. ¹⁶ I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. ¹⁷ The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. ¹⁸ No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.”

There is something so powerful in this, for me. (Pardon the rambling) It is so simply put. It is so basic. He is the Good Shepherd. He is the barrier for us in all times of our life, whether we choose to believe it or not. He is the Good Shepherd. That statement right there just hit home with me today. For so many reasons. He chooses to stay when others run away from us, even in our times of trouble He is there. He wants to see us succeed, even when others do not. If we stray He is there waiting and protecting us. That, my friends, is all the pixie dust I need. I love knowing He is there, no matter what. Period. 

So have a wonderful day, this day before Friday. God has today covered. 

Bethanie Nicole Photography

And your heart breaks...

I have grieved for the families that have had to go through this tragedy. I have grieved as a mother, my heart breaking more and more as the reality sets in for those mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, who have lost tragically in ways no one can fathom. My prayers go out to them in a stream of consistency and deliberateness.  I pray for their hearts, and the hole that is now empty in them, that there may be some peace some day that can patch even just a little bit of the pain that they are feeling now. God help them breath today, help them be able to get out of bed, help them see that they are loved, peace be with them. I pray for them and beg that they get rest, that they are able to turn their thoughts off just for a moment.....

God be with them. 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you." Isaiah 43:2

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28