Mental Health Days for Moms.

I'm exhausted. I am sitting here full of tasty grilled steak fajita and mango salsa [I made that steak like a boss], propping my feet donning ankle weights like a true girl from the 80's on my faux fur ottoman, coming to you in real time. 

I wish there was a picture of this situation, but thank god there isn't. 

I am counting the minutes till bed time for the little boos so I can put on my nightly sheet mask, edit some wonderful family images from last week, and force my husband to watch Baywatch against his will. 

At the moment I am watching Chicken Little, watching a toddler pretend to shit on his toilet and listening to a preteen tell me how her mouth hurts.... she just had her braces tightened. 

It's fine... it is totally fine. I am just TIRED. AF.

BUT I wanted to drop some parenting advice on all my fellow moms.....

I like to call this segment the 'Stop trying so hard and you'll love yourself a lot more....' 

[as long as you stop giving a f*ck about what anyone thinks]

1. Sometimes it is worth it to say no. Say no to your kids. Say no to your family. Say no to your friends. And most importantly, say NO to yourself. NO, you don't have to do a damn thing today. Or tomorrow. 

2. Sometimes Netflix can help you parent, and that doesn't make you a bad mom. 

3. I make BOTH my kids, 3 and 10, take 1.5 hours of chill/nap time every single day. After lunch they know the rules, you can read, play quietly in your room, etc but it is 'reset' time. 

-this does two things, first it helps me have time to clean up from the first half of the day.... and second it gives them time to reset for their second half of the day.... it has almost eliminated meltdowns completely with the Toddler. 

4. Take the shower. I know, that sounds stupid. But it's not. You are allowed to take a shower, wash your hair, wash your face and the kids can yell at you the whole time, but at least you're clean. You chose you, and I'm proud of you. 

5. Stop spending time with people that make you feel bad. I used to choose to spend time with a few people that just were MISERABLE to be around, they complained, they bitched, and they would talk poorly about other when they weren't around. I would go home drained but I always felt I had to continue to have them in my life for whatever reason. [and trust me I am far from perfect and have been miserable to be around MANY times... I just don't want to continue to be that person]

-And then I stopped spending time with them. 

-And at first I was lonely

-And then I wasn't

-And I am SO much happier

I LOVE every single person I spend time with now. I wish I could spend more time and had more hours in the day for the people in my life. [and I am so grateful they put up with me]

Give yourself the gift of selection. 

It's empowering. 

And even if you don't believe in energy, spirituality, vibrations, chakras, etc [I do] believe in you enough to allow yourself peace. 

Well, in the span of this blog:

I moved myself from Chicken Little and am now resting under a big oak tree loving on this breeze and feeling almost overwhelmed with happiness and guess what? I'm not tired anymore. I moved my energy into a peaceful place and I am IN IT. 

The kids are fed, even dessert, they are happy, they are playing... and I am happy in my own reset. 

Anyway, this isn't a brag thing, this is a join me thing. 

You're way to hard on yourself. 

Yes, you.

Stop it. 

I mean it.

Now.

Love you. 

Proof they have survived me saying no, me taking a shower, and even 'chill' time.

 

Amazon Prime is One Hell of a Drug

You know what I love? I love sitting down to write-and easily ADD/Gemini destract myself to such a point that I go from watching Jane the Virgin to looking up side affects for a bladder infection [I have one and just started taking my prescription..... yes I feel like I'm dying TMI] to some how ending up on a google search tracking down a current picture of Bryan Adams wife.. 

Fact: She is one of the prettiest people I've ever seen. Also, she doesn't age.... also I think it's time for some fillers because at 43 she looks younger than me.... at 31. [I'm not going to do it.... it was a joke, kind of. Maybe in 6 months.] 

googles: Cecilie Thomsen anti-aging tips and tricks

googles: how to sell soul to devil for never ending youth

googles: how to pray and ask God to forgive you after you are tempted to sell your soul for something so damn vain

(amazon primes a new self improvement book and a daily journal to find inner beauty)

THAT MY FRIENDS, is the rabbit hole that is my brain. 

It has been exactly 7 minutes since I sat down to write. Yeah. Imagine living with me........

It's a trip.

So, yeah, I have a bladder infection. Painful. I know, you didn't want to know-but now you know. 

tempted to post on Facebook: accepting warm dinners and massage appointments during this rough time of my life. Can't do life. Have bladder infection. 

Have I mentioned sometimes I am a little dramatic and super needy? 

On top of my infection, the filling I got a few months back isn't working, the nerve sensitivity is extremely disheartening..... you would think that would hinder my binge eating, but I've figured my way around it. Don't worry-I'm not starving over here.... 

sets down pizza [no one is surprised anymore] googles self help books for binge eating.

Ok, I'm back..... amazon prime is one hell of a drug. LET ME TELL YOU.

Veers to the other side of my brain never to return to any of the previous topics again

Amazon Prime.....

I need a vacuum.... Mini wants a skateboard.... Dallas has a Lego set waiting for him after he potty trains some more.... the dog has weight gainer.... and our entire family wardrobe for our family pictures.... all can be here in two days. If that isn't magic.... I don't know what is. But bisch is addicting. Therefore, I stand by my statement-she a drug.

And I'm here for it.

I am not alone in this thought process, am I?

Now, I actually have to work.... and do work things, and do laundry, and prep dinner because this is the golden hour at home.... it is 'LIBRARY TIME' aka go take a nap so I can clean up after our crafting morning and the mess that has been left by the Toddler and his sister. 

Wish me luck....

I have an hour to turn this place around and work. 

Halp.

If looks could kill....
 'when your sister is in a bad mood and you walk half an acre [carrying your chair] to go be near her and hug her and say I love you and she's NOT into it.'

The Outsiders.

When I was in seventh grade I had the most interesting man come into my life. He was my teacher. He taught me how to love reading. He taught me how to have a voice. And he taught me to not give a damn.[something I had to relearn many times over throughout the years] but he was at the forefront of so many things I have become now.

He introduced me to the book, The Outsiders, midway through my school year in seventh grade. He had a feeling I would like it. He was right. It took me about a day of tears, laughter and heart wrenching pain to finish it. And then I read it again.... little did I know how much that book would mean to me as I got older. 

A few years after I read the book, I gave it to my brother to read. He loved reading and instantly agreed this was 'our book'.... because we had a very codependent relationship and did literally everything together.... and I am so glad we did. 

As I went through some of the trials of life and heartache with him later on in our lives, I started calling him 'Ponyboy', from the book. It just was a thing. He was the youngest. He was a genius [based on IQ, not me bragging] but he struggled within himself to find his purpose and to find who he was. 

A phrase used in the book, was, "Stay gold" they used this phrase as the urban dictionary describes, as to say stay innocent and pure.... their way of saying good bye. 

We both loved that phrase, and I used to say that to him.... especially when he was going through a hard time... struggling with his demons.... I always felt that it was a way to bring him back. 

After he passed away, I knew-I believe-that same day, if I was to memorialize him on my body I could only ever get that phrase.

Stay Gold. 

Silly to think I used it so many times to bring him back, and now it is a phrase I tell myself to bring myself back to the present when I am missing him so much it hurts every part of me. 

Stay Gold. 

It may mean nothing to anyone else, but to me it means the world. 

So yesterday with two of my favorite people I finally got my tattoo for him.

It had to be in typewriter font, because that boy loved his typewriter more than many people knew. And that was just one of the adorable things about him. 

emo selfie. 

The morning after.

The shade I am, is a shade of red I never thought I would be.

This is coming as a shock to me in a way that not even the Spice Girls breaking up or the final season of Sex in the City gave me....

[that is a blatant exaggeration, both of those events ended me in therapy... I wish I was joking]

I am burnt.

I am burnteth.

I am feeling the burn.

I am that thing that happens to so many people I used to pity. I AM SUN BURNT.

I saw myself turning slowly into a tomato and rashly thought to myself, 'boo, you ALWAYS turn brown in the morning.... you got this baby.' But I was wrong.

[Yes, I call myself boo... it makes me feel loved, and wanted, and cherished. OK?]

I was DEAD wrong.

I am awake.

And I am not brown.

So I am rallying for story time at the library.... trying to find a way to wear a bra and not cry from the crispy pain I know is inevitable.....

I can do this.... I will do this for my babies. 

I will get that library card Mini has been pining over....

I will pat the name drum for the Toddler when he refuses too...

I will make it through the glitter and the glue and the crafting. 

I will LIKE IT.

I will not like it, but I will do it. 

But enough with my pain......

As I sit here and write, I hear this little squeaky, "hey mom... hey mama?? I love you. Is that impossible?"

No babe, that is not impossible that is perfect.

And I have one of those devastating thoughts, what will it be like when he's off to college and I don't hear those random 'I love you's' from the kitchen anymore.......... 

This is what life is about. 

Don't forget it. 

It Goes to 11.

God, I really want to lie to you right now. I want to tell you that I totally spaced sharing this post... that it was already written yesterday [on time]... I want to lie to you, but I can't. I won't. You DESERVE the truth. 

Yesterday was a monster day, I just was miserable with allergies-they really have gotten me shookith and all I want to do is claw my eyes out all day. 

AND today, today I actually had half the day with just my Mini and it was AWESOME. Even though we spent most of it grocery shopping, which I loath. It was SO nice to not have to break up a sibling fight almost all day. And honestly, it was such a good day that I wasn't sure this blog was even going to go up today.... but then little man came home, the TODDLER entered the front door. And he was demanding that I remove the chocolate from his lactose free milk that he had just ask me to put in.... and he was trying to steal his sisters jewelry box.... and just like that-I was back in mommy reality. Which I love more than anything, but it is real life... and real life is not perfect.

I had to make a final stop before settling in for the night, and on the way the kiddos requested music. I knew just what to do... since the Toddler had not slept-and was a bit of a sass- I knew I could get away with playing his night, night music and let him pass out a little bit early. So, in true Toddler form, I played his never fail play list of songs. I found out at a young age, the only type of music that would soothe him in the car was rap.... and over the years that fact has NEVER changed. 

DRAM-Broccoli, Amine-Caroline, and Kyle-iSpy..... does. the. trick.

Youtube them... if you want.... I LITERALLY give zero craps if you judge me. It's just music, which is art, which I support because I'm not a soulless demon.  [Are you??]

My dad used to quote a saying that I live my life the exact opposite to, because it always PISSED me off so much as a child and now even more so as an adult. Because he was wrong in my opinion and the quote was the antithesis of how I am raising my children: 

"If you're too open minded your brain will fall out."

Like, EW, just typing it made me feel gross. LIKE EW. Wtf is that telling our kids, wtf did it tell us as kids. I know it messed with my brother his entire life until he passed. AKA, DON'T accept anything unless your parents tell you too..... yeah no, I'm going to have to pass on that. 

Do you feel gross? I feel gross. pauses to take a shower, hug my babies, tells them they can do anything, tells myself loving things, comes back to computer.

The Toddler fell asleep midway through the second song, and is still out. I know what I'm doing.... half the time.... ok 10% of the time... with advice and love and forgiveness.

But it worked. And I'm grateful.

So, this sure is a rambling blog... and I am fine with it. Moral of the story, don't be an ass. Be open. Raise open minded kids. Be loving. Love with an open mind and an open heart, I promise it's worth it. 

Rant over. is it really ever over with me? that is a solid NOPE, but for today, you are relieved of your duty.

So, as I sit here.... I am wondering. How do you guys feel about a live video this Sunday? A get ready with me video maybe? I don't know... I'm just spit balling over here. We will see. 

Maybe that is a next week thing.....

I'm so rude.

Mom Bod.

I had sushi tonight... because sushi is life. Duh.... 

I am sitting here, changed out of my loose romper into my roomier elastic band shorts and man shirt..... and I need to talk about what is happening. It is insane how much this happens.... it IS an epidemic and it is NOT our faults. It's those damn kids we had.... literally stop judging me.... they are perfect and wonderful and I don't regret having them for a single millisecond BUT they change things. They change a lot of things. 

So lets get deep into what happens... I want to break this reality wide open. But, I swear, if I end up being the only one going through this, I am going to be so pissed, because then it isn't mom bod-it is just my bod.... and if that is the case then just lie to me, please:

1. I had two c-sections, not by choice but because my hip bones are viced together like two codependent lovers with trust issues.... I tried all natural labor for 52 hours with Mini and I dilated 1 cm at 42 weeks and almost had a stroke, your girl tried. Rushed into an emergency c-section, they numbed the wrong part of my body, I felt them cutting me open, I almost broke my teeth chattering etc.... yeah I earned that kid.... but the doctors in Florida are bosses and they stitch your belly tight and right-apparently that isn't required in Indiana....... rude. 

*I found that out second kid in, and now I am sitting here with Zorro's signature etched into my skin between my puffin and my belly button. The great thing about the top notch stick work is that this has created a shelf I keep all of our fine china on. Thanks to my Gyno, Thanksgiving has some fancy pieces I keep tucked in my Spanx for safe keeping-don't worry they won't be budging off my shelf... I'm a professional at skin packing. Speaking of...........

2. I remember many, many years ago this thing.... the name eludes me most days. I don't know if I am the only one that knows it only as just a very faint memory..... it's that thing called, if I remember correctly, skin elasticity? Yes, that's it. I used to have that! I am sure of it, but BABES where did it go? Like, she gone. She bye Felicia'd me a long time ago. I have to tuck this skin in everywhere. I am losing places to put it... I've only got so many pockets in these overalls.....I have gained some new skills thanks to high waisted shorts.... thanks to duck tape.... thanks to Youtube.... it takes a village to find places for all these folds.... But those skin rolls do come in handy for nights like tonight=

3. Because as I sit here, the sodium and carbs have created the CUTEST baby belly ever.... [not pregnant with anything but emotions]

4. Moving on, who else finds those boob stretchmarks unnecessary? Just me? No? I mean I have rocked butt stretchmarks since I was 11, because I'm a damn giant so obviously I got my Tiger stripes early. BUT did I need to add them 20 years later to every other surface of my body? DID I? I didn't need to but y'all my body is an overachiever.... now I know where my kids get it. 

Last but certainly not least....

5. You know the last unexpected gift I received from my post baby bod? Moments after my first was born, they actually showing up on my face and I was gifted with not one but two... Those really awesome black rings- you know the ones right under your bloodshot eyes providing proof of the next 18 years of exhaustion you have embarked on. But to non-parents it just looks like I have ridden the back of a dragon who has just risen from the flames of the 7th realm of hell to carry me off to my sacrifice every single morning only to return me once again at night during 'bed time'. No, I am not sick.... No, I am not hungover, No, the Toddler didn't break my nose again...... I'm a MOTHER.... ok? These are mother eyes... or is it also, just me? Is it? Oh god.... am I the only mess? 

Crap.

Ok.... maybe this is just a 'me' thing, but as I am rubbing my baby sushi belly-I just needed to talk about it, because.... I'm on this struggle bus some days and I hope I'm not the only one.... 

I hope you all stay cool today! Happy Sunday. 

Living my best life. 

What have you done to my baby?

I just got home you guys. It is 10:30 PM and I just got home... No, wasn't doing anything cool (I didn't make it to the gym till 8) -it was just a long day of stuff I had to do. And mama is tired, but-I am not not going to write just because I'm tired.

So, today I spent a little over two and a half hours detailing my car.... I don't know why, but I felt like it needed to happen before Summer break and I'm to cheap to pay someone else to do it [not true, I would love to pay someone to do it but I really am trying to lose those last 40 pounds I gained 40 pounds ago, so I'm staying active-ish]

I also took my car to the shop, found out nothing was wrong- she just a mess, I can totally relate.


AND then, you guys, I had to take Dax to the groomers. I knew this day was coming for a little over a week, but I still wasn't prepared. He's literally my third baby. He gets me, he snuggles me, he's my boo boo. I don't like him being unhappy and he has HORRIBLE separation anxiety when he sees me leaving him anywhere.... even to go pee [he got stuck in our small bathroom one time because he insisted that I let him come in... it was traumatic for both of us.]

I brought him into the groomers, he met them and then was ready to leave.... and that broke my heart but I knew it was time for this to happen, my baby has been a hot mess for about a month thanks to the weather insanity and his love for mud. We hugged his head hugs are the best and then I begrudgingly walked home... worried about him and the fact they informed me they HAD to shave him.... he's never been shaved. I didn't want him to be shaved. I was worried about his pride.... and mine. Just being honest.

4 hours went by and I got the call... the call I had been waiting for, for 4 hours.

He was ready to come home..... I made it to the store front, I'm not going to lie I was really afraid. I was actually emotional, expecting him to maybe be embarrassed of his new look.... I had spent a really stressful day with our snake who is having some shedding issues and I assume will have to go to the vet next week because she is acting a mess.... so I just had like, a lot going on y'all. Also, I realize full well that I have way to many animals and it probably makes me more of a hermit than I need to be... but they need me.... they do. And they gots the drama just like the rest of us... *I should probably leave the house more, talk to some adults, talk less to my animals... I get it*

As I enter the door this freaking poodle knocks into me.... and I was not amused..............................................................................................................................................................................................until I realized that it was not a damn poodle... it was my head hugging Great Pyrenees and he looks like a skinny, still very freaking heavy, poodle. He had a scarf on, he smelled good, and he is so damn soft now..... but I was in shock..... I AM in shock.

I promise I don't love him any less, but I don't know if I'll be walking him as much for the next few.... months till he fills out a bit. For his sake, obviously. *looks up furry costumes for Great Pyrenees dogs..... tries to glue faux fur rug to the poodle, still looks like a poodle...*

So I guess all that is left to do is show you guys what I am working with..................

Before... my normal boo bear 

After... pray for us

Things that make you go 'Ew'

Want to know the fastest way for me to LOATH you? 

Do you?

Here it is: 

PSA; Eating your damn food while talking on your Instagram stories..... Honestly, who do you think you are? That you're cute enough to get away with, literally, the most disgusting habit ever. You aren't cute, you should have learned how to chew with your mouth closed at two... like BOTH of my children. It can ruin a full hour of my day... so please, close your mouth... take the two seconds to swallow before you start filming your dog dancing, or your kid reciting Edger Allan Poe, or an update of your booty gains. Please. Thank you. God bless. 

Ok, I won't loath you but I will judge you. Promise.

As I am sitting here, getting ready for the day-cleaning up last nights mayhem.... trying to figure out dinner-something crock pot related since tonight is Mini's musical..... I get a phone call, 'Mrs. Smith... this is Mini's teacher, she forgot her tambourine do you mind bringing it to school?' 

It's 8 AM, first of all I didn't OK the tambourine coming home in the first place.... second of all-if I bring it back to school it better stay there. And third, do you guys want a Toddler to help rehearse? Because he's free.

Speaking of the Toddler, he just graced me with his present for a snack... not to see me, just because he needs a snack while he builds Lego towers upstairs. But in true him form he has dressed himself.... in checker sweat pants and suspenders... because how else would you wear suspenders? He says he wants to be a doctor but he definitely could make it as an influencer if that back fires.... [if you detect sarcasm I think we just became best friends]

 Anywhoooo....

I think I am finally forgiving the chopping I had to witness this morning VIA social media.... I'm recovered. I can finally have a peaceful day, delivering tambourines, picking up musical dresses and flowers and bread [unrelated, we just need bread]......

I hope y'all have a beautiful Tuesday! 

Fact: Tambourines don't have a mute button....and that is awful.

Hello again old friend... Monday.

You guys... I am so sorry... I'm a day late but now not a post short. 

Do you ever have those days where you know it is just... not going to happen?

Yesterday was one of those days for me.... I wrote three posts, and none of them seemed right. 

[So they are saved for a different day.... maybe]

I am sitting here in a dark-ish kitchen, by choice.... some may call it hiding silently because your kids are both playing nicely in their own rooms and you're afraid to breath. Others may call it 'relaxing'.

I grilled some turkey burgers and now have them slathered in Hooters sauce and Sweet Baby Ray's, because I'm disgusting. Today I spent the day deep cleaning, which lasted about two hours into Mini being home and the Toddler waking up from his nap... my house is now destroyed again, I'm really sorry you missed it. 

Still, I managed to take the dog for a walk, so that was a win.... the Toddler shit on me about an hour ago-so that was fun. Got an AARP magazine in the mail which was a little sting to the ego, it's like they know it's almost my birthday and they needed to get their jabs in. They were successful.... 

But you guys, it's almost 7 pm here which is super close to 8:30-a movie length worth of time... and I really am praying that I am not pooped on in between now and then. Miracles can happen. They can.

Does anyone else feel like May is just a mess after you have school aged kids? Like, May is a rush and just packed full of craziness and then.... JUNE happens and you miss May's craziness? I feel that way more and more every year. So, I decided to fight against it this year...... Mini is not going to be in 9 camps like she was last year. The Toddler won't be doing sports this summer. And I will be drinking margaritas while watching them play outside whenever I deem it acceptable and give literally no shits. maybe a few but nothing a margarita can't handle.

I hope your Monday went by as fast as happy hour on a Wednesday..... I hope you too found your hiding spot while the kids played at some point.... and I hope your Tuesday doesn't make you wish it was Friday-I'll see you guys on tomorrows post!! 

The Poop Monster.

Hello, My Name Is.....

Today I though maybe we should..... get to know me better?

Ew, honestly I just threw up a little bit thinking about how obnoxious that sounds.... but I know some of you may not know the chick behind the blog... so I'm going to share... I'm sorry ahead of time. 

Ten random, pointless facts about myself: 

1. I was and am still super nerdy. I totally own it, being my true nerdy self makes me feel safe and at home. [this combined with my insane social anxiety end up clashing many, many times over... but when I feel safe enough around someone to let my nerd flag fly... I'm in utopia]

2. So I guess, my social anxiety is a thing... I love blogging because if I embarrass myself on here, I don't have to see your reaction. After my brother died, my social anxiety really blossomed into what it is now. He was always my 'security blanket', he would always be beside me, and would kind of throw me into meeting people.... and some of my favorite people came from him doing that.... and for that- I will be eternally grateful. [If you never had the chance to meet him, you missed out... he was the best. ever. period]

3. I own 12 grey oversized v-neck [with the side pocket] t-shirts..... I wish I had more. I own dresses and fancy crap... but every time I don't know what to wear, they magically end up on my body.... and I'm here for it. 

4. My kids are my actual life, I am beyond worried about what I'm going to do with myself when they graduate.... high school. I have been tempted on more that one occasion to have more children, just so that I don't have to worry about being empty nesting for another 5 years after the Toddler graduates.... and by then Mini could maybe be having my grandchildren... which would save me from myself.... lord help my children..... they mama is cray.

-I will say this: if they both don't fully pursue their dreams and fly this crazy coop as soon as they can, to be whatever they decide to be, I will shove them out the door myself. But I will be there every step of the way, continuously so stinking proud of them, and I cannot wait for that time of life. but please go slow. I want to love every moment of each of their lives... they are magic. 

5. I LOVE fashion. When I was 17 I was accepted into FIT in New York.... based solely off my essay I wrote *thanks to my almost unhealthy obsession with Narciso Rodriguez*.... I didn't go thanks to many sources deterring me. I, to this day, regret listening to those not encouraging my dreams... Thanks to reflection and time I have worked through understandable resentment, and really honed into my forgiveness skills. *Jesus took that wheel*

6. I bake like a boss. Just, I do. You want a cheesecake? DONE. You want creme brulee? Mine is about 100x better than any crap you're getting around town. I'm pretty self depreciating in most areas of my life [working on it] but when it comes to baking, I'll make your sweet tooth happy AF.

7. I feel guilty about everything... my family has always joked about my 'catholic' guilt... since I'm not catholic. There's a joke in there somewhere......

8. I had a VERY short lived music, moment? Myspace. Three songs. Was contacted by a few labels... I thought I was epic at the time [I WAS NOT].... my dad told me not to pursue it because it would hurt my brothers feelings. And NO you cannot google me, I didn't use my name... THANK GOD. 

9. I spent most of my Summer, Winter, Spring breaks in Michigan... Petoskey. With some of my favorite people. They made me.... I had so many first of my life there. Some of my best moments, most of my best moments before 18, were there. They still are everything in my heart. If you haven't been, go. Everything is so clear and calm there. You won't regret it. 

Finally, I am done rambling your eyes off with beyond stupid, lame 'ten things about me' that really no one cares about but I still did because I'm basic. After this last one:

10. I'm just a really awkward introvert, who is spending her life trying to figure out how to grieve my [brother] best friend forever [he passed away in 2013], trying to not completely be a hermit, be a good mom, friend, wife, daughter, and still find who I am..... And for that I am so sorry, y'all... you are here for this mess. Thank you for reading, I'm not kidding... it means more than you know. 

Happy Tuesday boo thangs. You're all the real MVPs.

12/13 years ago me.... Yes. #emogirl

Slow Down, Please.

Today was Mother's Day.

And it was perfect. Not in that cheesy, lame Facebook post way. It was perfect for me. And, I mean, isn't that what actually matters? 

I slept in, then when I woke up I was able to get ready for TWO hours-in an empty house. After slathering myself with makeup, I was hugged and loved and given gifts and taken to my favorite brunch spot ever. EVER. I devored all the brisket and bacon lardon topped pizza. Took a walk to the park, and finished off the day with a serenading Toddler. I am now sitting with my feet up, relaxing [I am watching the neighbor also a mom around my age mow her yard.... as her husband plays with their kid I loudly whispered to her from the comfort of my couch, 'you're doing it wrong' and then continued to sit on my butt... because I'm doing it right]

As I sit here, I am overwhelmed with feelings. I wanted to share with you all.... because... I can?

It is so hard, as a mom, to watch my kids grow up so damn fast. I want to freeze every moment. Even the crazy, insane sleepless moments, the silly moments, the stressful moments, the anxious moments, in all these moments I find myself still praying that the time slows down. Over the past year the biggest thing I have found myself repeating over and over again is, 'slow down'. Everything is so fast and busy, we are a generation of expediting and instant gratification.... and I don't want to participate in that anymore. The more I slow down, the more I think about what fills my heart- I embrace a much slower pace, whenever I am able too. I want to sit and do nothing sometimes, just because I can, just because it makes me feel at peace. I want to remember these moments, watching my kids laugh together, watch them be small still, watch them figure out day by day who they want to be when they grow up. I don't want to only remember rushing them from 'thing' to 'thing' or just the big moments in their lives... I want to remember the giggles, the hugs, the quiet moments... I want to remember the way that they sleep or the way that they imagine together. I want to capture so many moments that I am afraid some day will be forgotten.... We spend all this time raising them, we deserve to love as many moments as we can of it. Capture and savor as much as we can. Please babies, slow down. 

This is my heart, my souls desire. And then just like that I am brought back to mom-ality [mom reality] and I find myself laughing my butt off as we all cheer very, VERY loudly for the Toddler who just took a grown man sized poop on the potty.... and even that, I want to remember. These learning and growing moments together. 

I'm beyond thankful to be their mom, and I am blessed with how much they love me and love being my babies..... I will never understand how I was given such an amazing gift X2 but I will always thank God for my place in their lives. 

I hope you all had a wonderful day, but my heart goes out to those that are struggling to conceive, struggling to adopt, have lost their own babies, have lost their mommy's- those that are grieving something today that no one understands. My heart is with you, and I am sending you so much of my love and prayers.

“To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow.” – Maya Angelou

Send coffee.

I fell asleep sitting up last night... apparently, I was tired. The worst part was that I fell asleep BEFORE I ate dinner. That means I need to eat two dinners tonight, right?

Last night I was so tired because I had to *help* Mini finish her science fair project. It was a tad bit stressful. But we got it done. 

I had the whole afternoon planned out so we wouldn't be stressed. You know how it goes when you're super planned out and prepared and then the universe is like, 'Nah bisch, you not going to do it that way.... OKKKKKRRRRR' [did I mention the universe only talks in Cardi B, which is literally the only reason why I tolerate it's attitude]. So instead of my plan... this is what happened:

I got the toddler down for a long nap, set up to clean the house... and the phone rings, "Hey mom, one of my wires has popped out and cut my lip... I need to go get it fixed." It is 1 PM.... I have to set up an appt within 2 hours. I can do this... it still fits in my 'plan' for the day..... 

I was fine, until I called and found out their local office is closed on Monday and I have to drive 45 minutes during rush hour to a not so wonderful area to get her bracket fixed.... OK, so that takes about 2-2.5 hours out of my stress-free plan..... I'm getting a little stressed now. JUST a little, it's fine. It's fine. 

Y'all.... it's fine. 

Now it is almost 6:30 PM..... and we haven't started. And we still have to go print these sheets because my printer isn't working..... and oh, yeah dinner. AND WE DON'T have enough letters for the damn title. 

CUE KIDS FIGHTING.

Of course they are fighting. Why not? [my eye starts to twitch] 

My mom calls and I finally take her up on her offer to help.... please bring more 3 inch gold lame letters. Thank god she did, it probably kept me from giving up and getting wine instead and letting Dallas put his special twist on his idea of what a science project should be AKA box of crayons and the display board. 

By the time we were done it was about an hour past bed time, and my OCD had kicked into high gear.... so I sent them to bed to work on my masterpiece by myself...... and fell asleep somewhere mid-lighting set up and watching insta-stories. 

I promise... this will be my last 'day in the life of a hot mess mom' ramble for a while.... 

[annoyed even by myself]

Have an awesome Tuesday guys!!

Friday tales on a Sunday.

I don't know what is in the air... but it's not good.

I hate to be one to complain... cue the complain train:

This week has been... a week. As I hide behind my laptop my children have just subsided their fighting over an emoji pillow for the first time in over an hour, thanks to my homemade blueberry muffins, that I'm not supposed to have but am lusting over in a really weird way. 

Baking shit, it could solve wars-I swear. 

For now it just solved the fight over the double heart eye emoji pillow from-probably Walmart- that cost a grand total of five bucks and is worth throwing down over between a ten and three year old.

The logic there is really solid you guys. This is a fight worth having. 

I MEAN. 

*cracks open a 4:32 PM Beer....*

Literally. Judge me. 

Toddler realizes that after throwing himself on the floor over the pillow, mommy needs a break so he slowly shuts the door between us. He knows what he did.

It's Friday. 

Some of my friends are going home and getting pretty... some are meeting someone for happy hour.... and I'm sitting here in my mom romper and my mom messy bun and my mom life.... and I'm praying I get to the early bird special in time while knowing FULL well that my kids are going to be assholes the entire time and I will have to correct them. in public but I DO NOT CARE. I need to feel like I'm someone that leaves their house. Even if it's to the early bird special in my grandma cardigan and even if I still make it home by 6 PM to watch animal specials on Netflix.... I just wanna live.....

I JUST WANNA LIVE.

puts half the of the beer back in the fridge for later after sealing the top because.... I can't get too crazy... I have children. 

[also waste not want not]

who have I become?

Could you just not?

Where is your Mother?

'Mini, what are you doing to your brother?' Walks in on her flopping her brother all over as he refuses to cooperate. 

'I'm teaching him how to dab.'

'I don't think he wants to....' as he goes full limp body onto the floor.

Thursday mornings are always a treat..... 

----------------------

So.... yesterday was day one of braces. 

Mini and I got in a little tiff. 

I just want to be honest, I feel like y'all deserve that. 

Yesterday wasn't a 'facebook' posting kind of a day.

It was a.... 'I wish parenting had a mental health day' day. 

My daughter got upset at me because I told her that her tongue will get used to the braces and the lisp will go away. Apparently that is.... NOT OKAY. [she wants the lisp to stay?]

She gave me the silent treatment when I informed her of that... after she let me know I was dumb... with her eyes. which is the worst feeling ever. Moms of tweens.... you KNOW.

and then there is the toddler.

THE TODDLER.

He was almost banned from the Y yesterday.... he was standing his ground not to leave after two hours, and they were not amused.... neither was I.... it.... was.... humbling.

I think toddlers continually provide their parents with humbling moments.... and I'm honestly not here for it. 

-------------------------

Then this morning I wake up to the MOST angelic face in the world asking to climb into bed and snuggle and I just melted.... I realized in that moment, as I have many times before that I rather be 'silent treatment-ed' by my tween and 'humbled' by my toddler every single day than have even a moment without them. They are my people. 

Happy Thursday!! 

The toddler and the tween.

Brace... yourself.

Ok first off babes, I decided to give you all a set schedule of when my blogs are coming out... [gives myself a set schedule] Three times a week blogs go out on: Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday every week! now that it's in writing, I'm going to be accountable -jebus take the wheel.

Am I the only person that can eat any dinner meal for breakfast before 8 AM with no issue? I love it, so I am sitting here eating grilled chicken and scraping the sides of my Hooters sauce jar to get the last of it.... It's my jam. [it's not an actual jam... obvs]

I was thinking to myself [out loud to the dogs and insane toddler running around] about how fast this year has gone, and it is so crazy to me. In less than a month we have an entire Summer of fun and I'm super excited. For now I have to calmly get through the next month of insanity and my eye has already started twitching-seriously. 

My oldest has a Science Fair [which there are eroding hard boiled eggs in beakers on my kitchen counter that have been there for far to long as a reminder] two awards nights, and a musical... in the next 22 days. Thank god my other kiddo is too young to be hectic yet. 

Does today feel like a Friday to anyone else? 

I'm mentally preparing myself for the second half of the day... it's going to be cray ya'll. 

Today..... TODAY......

Mini is getting braces. I'm not here for it. 

I am not. 

She has no idea what she is in for.... 

So for now I will keep agreeing with her on how exciting it's going to be to pick her band colors.

PRAY FOR US ALL.

-----------------------

*Getting closer to FINALLY updating my Etsy page BTW, so I'll be letting y'all know when it's live this month!! 

HAPPY FRI-TUESDAY !!

Cue tears. Stop growing so fast.

Why is there fur in my cupcake?

So I have a massive dog. 

He's like, huge. 

No not like your Lab.

NO not like your Rott.

He's still bigger. A lot bigger. 

About 160 big. 

He broke my Dyson vacuum when he was only a year and half old by the sheer volume of hair he produces. [double coat year round]

He was harder to console than my infant the first 9 months of his life. 

His craps are bigger than my Pomeranian.

He has a severely sensitive stomach AKA when he gets the butt squirts it's a damn flood. 

He's a week away from being 3 and he's still my big, perfect baby. 

But this week... he's had a week. It's almost like he knows it's almost his birthday and he's not ready for it. He's overwhelmed you guys. Like, I'm not kidding you. He's been heavy sighing more than usual. He's been head hugging more than usual. He's been 'under foot' [which like is more trying to be under crotch but just lifting mom up] more than usual. I keep telling him, 'babe, it's all going to be ok'.... but he's a man, he doesn't listen. he didn't even act this dramatic when I had his balls consciously uncoupled from his body.

Do you ever have those days where you look at your kid and you know, 'nothing is getting done today, this guys going to make it a struggle bus day'.... Well by about 7:10 this morning I knew today was one of those days, not because of the kids but because of the massive blob that decided he could fit on the couch [he has never climbed on before...ever] because he needed mommy. But then Dal [his 3 year old little toddler he owns] was in his way... he needed to be closer to mom. So, in true giant dog fashion-he moved the ottoman out of the way and became my ottoman... after fussing with the rug that wasn't to his liking, he finally passed out, underfoot and now I can't move. Because you never wake a sleeping baby. DUH. 

So, I guess I will work from this EXACT spot, breathe lightly, and hope he gets the comfort he needs in the next hour so I'm able to move again. 

It's not easy being almost three. 

My 43" three year old and my 160 pound almost three year old. 

KIDS.

My dog just ate shit.

Sorry if that was too rash. 

My dog. My cute, little, fluffy, adorable Pomeranian just ate my sons shit. From his pull up. That he pulled down. In the middle of the living room. And shit fell from his butt.... on to the floor. 

I'm sitting here, mid first episode of 'Sneaky Pete' and Dal is just standing in the middle of the room- butt out, poop flopped on the floor and I..........................I had a mini asthma attack. Tears flowing. Snot oozing. Mascara decorating my cheeks like I've been at Coachella for two days straight. But no, I just had an asthma attack because my kid shit himself, dropping it all over the floor, and my dog ATE IT.

It wasn't even the eating of the shit that got me, it was how swift she was. She was like a lightening bolt. We didn't see it happen and it was already mid throat. It was almost like a magic trick, a really gross, puke worthy magic trick. I'm scarred for life. I had to book an extra therapy session this week just so I can discuss it. 

But enough about me, how is your day???

Ok-actually more about me. We went to my bestie's daughters birthday party this past weekend. It was so nice. I was able to see her family [my 'I pretend they are my family' family]. And then Dal found out there were balloons being popped and ALL hell broke loose. He made a grand exit from the party, screams, screeches, and straight up madness. We left and the siren sound from his mouth was almost poetic. He fell asleep mid-drive home and still sobbed in his sleep for 25 minutes. How is this life? Who cries in their sleep??

It was a long day Saturday.

But today is a new day, and I am so grateful for that.

Well, I was so grateful for that till I realized it was the middle of April and it was snowing... at about 6 AM this morning.

So, I'm super excited about tomorrow. TOMORROW is a new day.

Tomorrow is hopefully a shit free day. A snow free day. And maybe even..... a laundry free day [ok that was reaching lol we all know that's not true]

Happy Monday ya'll!

He's so lucky he's cute.

I thought today was Monday.

Today felt like a Monday. My sinus infection is really putting a cramp in my sleep schedule. But my sinus infection can suck it. I don't have time to be tired. I don't have time to NOT sleep. 

I hit snooze 10 times. I'm literally the worst mom and I hit snooze TEN times. I still packed her lunch, drove her to school... but I really pushed the envelope today.

Every inch of my body felt like it had been hit by a train. But life happens and I had to shove myself into momentum. Coffee. Coffee helps most everything, and nasal spray. That statement makes me feel old. But, as I take all 8 of my vitamins and my heart burn medicine- I feel that nasal spray kick in and I am feeling a LOT better. 

After drop off I got to photograph an awesome little dude and we got into some tacos for his session. So it was perfect. And then I went to Target..... so, I mean. You get it, you know. I was fine. I will survive today, Venti latte in hand- and a red cart in the other, you pretty much feel invincible at least until you check out. 

And once you get past check out, you remember you have a doctors appointment. 

Dermatologist time.

Honestly one of my more exciting appointments, my dermatologist has completely changed my skin in 6 weeks, after a year of cystic acne and pain and scars-and multiple doctors promising me they could fix it. Low T has really screwed with my body, but at least someone has me on the right track skin wise- Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

We made a plan for next month, burning my face off for weeks on end until I have a whole new face.

Sound so fun I can hardly wait. 

I finally made it home, cleaned the house, fed the fam, and put to everyone to bed..... I finally had some quiet time to take a shower. Mid-shower [the steam feeling like a million little hands massaging my sinuses] and I hear a tap on the door.

nooooo. no. just no. go to bed. -says the little voice in my head.

"Yes?" my mouth says. Against the little voices' better judgement.

"Mom I peed myself...." [literally only one pull up left in the house till tomorrow]

"What?"

"Yeah, I peed... I'm really disappointed in myself"

You and me both babe, you and me both.

"It's okay boo, I'll be right out."

I swear you guys, today just felt like Monday.

And of course mid popcorn pour for the kids the bag exploded.... so I ate counter popcorn.

I went to the gym.....

I was awake with a sick little dude, coughing in my face... til about 4 AM. I realized at 9 am I had no coffee in the house. [cue sobbing in the bathroom for about 23 minutes while everyone else was still fast asleep] So now I am sitting here with JUST my tea-caffeine free crap- and a bowl full of refried beans and Tabasco sauce. Judge me, I dare you... honestly I'm too tired to care at this point. I'm a mess-and I fully accept it. 

The knot in my butt of testosterone replacement is doing well, thanks for asking.... it's turning into a nice shade of purple.... so I'm heading to the gym to hopefully walk it out. And speaking of the gym, I have a story for you. I just couldn't NOT share with you. 

A few days ago I was at the gym, I try to go at the slowest times possible, I am gym antisocial and EXTREMELY sweaty.... those two things don't need high traffic. I made it to my stationary bike, towel in hand, layers of shirts and lack of any desire to be there what so ever... but I promised my doctor I'd try my best...... and I had nothing else going on. I set my settings, logged myself in and chose my course.

Feeling more and more like wings sounded better than being at the gym.

I settled into my jaunt around some ridiculously themed track on my bike screen and I was thoroughly trying to enjoy myself when I felt someones eyes on me.

 I scan the room, Caroline by Amine blasting in my headphones.

In the middle of a very slow gym 

stood a man at a solid 5' 8", deeply tanned, oiled [yes, oiled] arms-neck-chest, spiked, frosted tips, cut off sleeves [tapered in at the nipples], topped off with some extra short shorts even I would be cautious while wearing. He was holding himself with a deep self-confidence most would envy. Arms crossed, one knee bowed to the side-looking seriously serious about something that was really, really serious. [Furrowed brow and all]

I started to become increasingly concerned with the strong almost constipated looks he was creating. His stance was strong-only moving enough to adjust from one leg bend to another..... 

He continued this stance for about ten minutes. I was beyond invested at this point. 

AND THEN.

And then, you guys.

He walked past me. He was FINALLY done with his dedicated posing and worrisome looks.....

As he walks by.... the most shockingly.... offensive.... crop dust of all times enveloped my face, my body, and I truly believe- my soul as well.

I could not contain myself. 

The uncontrollable giggle could not be contained.

The smell was so rude.

BUT his commitment to trying to air it out for SO long was beyond impressive, I had to give it to him.

Let me be honest, I hate working out. So, when I workout I need entertainment. And that, my dear loves, that gave me so much to hold on too.

So that is my entirely pointless story. Have a wonderful Sunday!

My sick boos still being sick