I'm the worst.

I'm sorry.... I have been MIA. But I have a ton of excuses, that I will not bore you with.

So, yesterday... a Tuesday.... was my birthday.

It was a great day. The kids were so sweet and then when my husband got home he and I went to eat and shop.....

Then went to a snazzy bar after dinner and randomly ran into some awesome gals that wanted to help me celebrate my day, and they did.

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And I just woke up in my Spanx.... tennis bracelet..... and lashes.....

I feel ridiculous..... 

 I just made myself a large lemon grass tea and salad.... accompanied by a big bowl of shame.

So, this is 31.......

I am going to take my Spanx off and take my probiotics and rally..... 

Potty training is going to be a blast today. 

Ok, I am done rambling.... [lol who am I kidding?]

unrolls the spanx off my body..... takes my pride and places it back where it belongs, sips tea.

As I write I am sitting here watching RHONY high lights on Youtube and feeling myself coming back to my normal boring self. Thank. God. 

UPDATE:

I started this blog at 8 am and now am finishing up now... at 5..... PM. 

I can't do hangovers at 31 with two kids who decided to fight all day....

I can't put their trampoline together in the back yard hungover either, but I got it almost done... because I'm stupid. 

So, all in all the first day of 31 is really making me feel like the first day of my 21st.... and no one wants that. 

Happy Wednesday babes. Don't do what I did.

During. After. 

WHO TRUSTED YOU WITH THIS [PT3]

Heyyyy guys.....

Still 30.

Like we were 27 yesterday. It's so damn cute to be 27. But 27 is not 30.... and 30 is 50. If you're 30 you get that last reference in your SOUL.

I'm exhausted. I would MUCH rather take multiple naps than have a social life.... be active.... or just function at all. You guys, it's exhausting being 30. [Probably a direct correlation to my low T and aggressively active 3 year old]

But I AM TIRED. Oh you want to hang out after 3:45 PM on a school night?? Are you insane?? I have to wake up at 6 AM. I can't party like I used too. {Still love you though.... talk again in 15 when the youngest graduates... after I nap?}

New Life Excuses that have massive truths in them:

-Sorry my dog wants to lick my other dog and I want to film it, because they are amazing.
-Sorry my oldest wants to read Oliver Twist to me.
-Sorry my snake is shedding tonight.
-Sorry my kid is creating an interpretive dance and I need to find music for him.
-Sorry I'm busy, my lizard wants to watch Kimmy Shmidt tonight, thanks though.

The older I get the more I think how in the world are we trusted to be adults at 18? How are we having kids in our 20s? How are we allowed to live on our own before 40? We're idiots just trying to keep it together and we have NO clue what we're doing. Facebook us is not real us.... Facebook us is bullshit covered in glitter while we're losing our minds in the middle of a grocery store in real life being controlled by a very young human with the personality of a narcissistic communist and the mouth of sailor they inherited from us. And honestly without them telling us what to do we would be devastated, please tell me how that is not a mess? We are a shit show forced by social media to portray a perfect bubble of quaffed hair and caked faces and we're praised when we give just a *little* real moment of ourselves in some DEEP facebook post about our weaknesses or our imperfections every 6 months or so.... 'She's so real'.

Cue me puking in my mouth. I'm not a bitch-promise-I am just too tired to believe anyone is that PTO perfect. I have kids. THE JIG IS UP.... [If you're into being exhausted and don't judge sweat pants as formal for drinks, I'll meet you after school at Chilis and probably give you a hug, because you know what?? You're a damn hero and I'm here for it.]

So I'm going to sit here, I may have some cake before 9 AM.... I WILL drive my kid to school in a robe and face mask.... I will yell at my toddler.... he's a jerk.... I will get McDonald's fries.... I will drink a beer before 5 PM.... and I will plate Olive Garden as my own and lie through my teeth about my homemade Alfredo sauce, because I am tired, I am 30 and I don't want to do anything more than that. AND THAT.... my friends, is OK.

Honestly?? I'm tired.