Substance Abuse.

Eleven years ago I would have skimmed passed that title and really not understood it. Ten years ago I would have understood it, but tried to ignore it. Eight years ago I would have already read the article attached... probably twice.

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Many times in life we are taken to places we never imagined ourselves going too. We are usually taken to the last place we imagined ourselves being and we are forced to either learn from it or we repeat it over and over again.

That being said, in my life I have made my own choices that led me down paths that I have had to learn from and they were hard. They were invasive. They stretched me. And they eventually made me who I am today, I still am learning from them and healing from them and I am happy to know that in anyone's life there is always room for healing and growth.

But. (there is always a 'but', isn't there?) What has taken me for a ride, sometimes more than my own life choices, and definitely created a deeper constant growing pain in my life over the past decade is the life journey's of those I love around me.

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Have you ever said, "I love you" and not known if that would be the last time they heard you say it? Or not known if those words had made it past the chemical battle going on in the other persons body? Have you ever looked at someone at 8 AM and been hugged by them and laughed with them... and then eight hours later they are cold, callus and distant? And there is nothing you can do, because you know it's the effects of something that has a much stronger hold on them than anything else in their life. It doesn't change your love for them, but you experience hurt so much deeper than you ever imagined, and they don't even know what you're feeling. They don't know what their choices (past and present) are doing to you. If you know what I'm talking about I want you to know, you are not alone. You are stronger than you think. You are a warrior. And even if they never have the ability to know your love and your hurt, they are so blessed for knowing you and having you in their life. (Even though sometimes the healthiest thing for you to do is not be there, while you are there for whatever time frame... you are an answer to a problem they don't even comprehend).

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I have learned over the past decade that those who love drug addicts, drug abusers, substance abusers, they are silent warriors. They do not get near enough support and encouragement, and many times you don't even know what they are going through. There are more of them than you can even imagine. They wear a brave face and they try to live their lives, but when their phone rings, their heart races a little. They check police reports. They know the neighborhoods you don't want to go to like the back of their hand. They fall asleep sitting up most nights from exhaustion. They are weary. They are invincible... and most times they feel like they are barely hanging on.

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I am rambling, but I have a lot on my mind. A lot of people. A lot of heavyhearted thoughts. A lot of love continuously going out to those that have an on going battle against something that took over their bodies long ago... and they need the love, they need the consistency, they need so much more. But it's not always easy. And it breaks your heart. Like a high school breakup, but over and over again, it breaks you. And you pick yourself back up, you wipe your tears, and you march on.... never fully being able to share your pain because it's just...too much.

I have love and have lost and still love many that have faced the ugly face of substance abuse. For some reason my life has taken that path over and over again, and I take it as a sign. After losing my brother, I knew I was meant to be apart of trying to aid in the battle against abuse. I just could not figure out in what capacity. Not until lately did something land on my heart. His heart failed because of years of weakening due to substance issues, but mine became stronger in time standing next to him, holding him, and sometimes even carrying him, 6'5" frame and all. I wasn't going to throw away a decade of research, life experiences, and an over abundance of knowledge because his battle was over, I feel like my battle has just only started.

I am going back to school. I am finishing my degree... but it won't be in finance, it's going to be in substance abuse. I want to arm myself with the education to work with loved one's that love substance abusers and I want to work with the abusers themselves. It is constantly on my heart. I pass someone in the store and I see their eyes, or the way they move their arms, the way they pause... and I know more now than I ever thought I would, and I don't want that to go to waste. I want to at least have the ability to help.

So that is my rambling. That is my heart. That is where I am. As I grieve and process the past decade, I want to arm myself with more knowledge than I ever knew before.

I will keep you all posted from time to time as I move in this new direction, but I am excited to know what my next step is, no matter how long it takes me. I know it won't be in vain.

2008. Love you kid.

I'm closer to 30 than 20. FACT.

In that time I think I have learned a few things. I probably  have learned less than I would like to admit, but that is beside the point. I do know I've learned a thing or two, or ten. I really feel that it is only fair that I share those things with you... so that you too can be as wise as me. You're welcome. 

1. Abraham Lincoln was super smart. When in doubt Google a quote from him and post it on your social networks... it'll make you look a lot smarter than you actually are:

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."-Abraham Lincoln 

(See! I already seem smarter... don't I? Don't lie to yourself. Stop it. Just admit how smart I seem.) 

2. Bacon cures most everything. Broken hearts. Rashes. Allergies. Hangovers. Sleep deprivation. Swimmers ear. Forest fires... even hunger. 

3. You will, eventually, turn into your mother. Luckily my child is going to just become more awesome when that happens. You're welcome, honey.

4. After 25 your body starts to depreciate, just like a car. Gravity happens, and a lot of other bad things do as well.... that is why God granted us the ability to smear weird creams on, squeeze into weird contraptions to make us look less....saggy, and most importantly, many...many Apps on our iPhones to edit the pictures of us that make us look like versions of ourselves we never have been and never will be. 

5. Barney was a cult. He convinced us that cleaning was fun. That everyone loves everyone. And that all problems could be solved with a song and a hug from a masked man in a dinosaurs costume. Sadly I still feel happy when I see his face... and it remind me the world is a happy place.... when Barney is around. 

6. If you have WebMD you really do not need an actual doctor. You ARE a real doctor with WebMD.

7. All those matching outfits that your parents put you and your siblings in when you were younger.... there was no excuse for that cruelty... but you still will probably do the same thing to your kids. (Character building....right?)

8. When someone asks how you are.... don't tell them. Not all of it. Ain't nobody has time for that. Unless their your best friend. Then lay it on them. But don't be so open. Not everyone deserves that. 

9. You MUST have a theme song for your life. It will make your whole existence worth while, in a way that it wouldn't be without it. If you don't have one stop whatever you're doing and go get one. NOW. Seriously. I'm not joking. Here's mine (Thanks mom for playing this throughout my entire childhood):

10. And finally, I make entirely way too many lists.... and in no way am I upset about that..... it probably will always happen. Sorry. Not Sorry. 

Happy Friday!

I tried dark lips. It worked okay. For a hot second. Then ended up all over my face. #firstworldproblems