Mental Health Days for Moms.

I'm exhausted. I am sitting here full of tasty grilled steak fajita and mango salsa [I made that steak like a boss], propping my feet donning ankle weights like a true girl from the 80's on my faux fur ottoman, coming to you in real time. 

I wish there was a picture of this situation, but thank god there isn't. 

I am counting the minutes till bed time for the little boos so I can put on my nightly sheet mask, edit some wonderful family images from last week, and force my husband to watch Baywatch against his will. 

At the moment I am watching Chicken Little, watching a toddler pretend to shit on his toilet and listening to a preteen tell me how her mouth hurts.... she just had her braces tightened. 

It's fine... it is totally fine. I am just TIRED. AF.

BUT I wanted to drop some parenting advice on all my fellow moms.....

I like to call this segment the 'Stop trying so hard and you'll love yourself a lot more....' 

[as long as you stop giving a f*ck about what anyone thinks]

1. Sometimes it is worth it to say no. Say no to your kids. Say no to your family. Say no to your friends. And most importantly, say NO to yourself. NO, you don't have to do a damn thing today. Or tomorrow. 

2. Sometimes Netflix can help you parent, and that doesn't make you a bad mom. 

3. I make BOTH my kids, 3 and 10, take 1.5 hours of chill/nap time every single day. After lunch they know the rules, you can read, play quietly in your room, etc but it is 'reset' time. 

-this does two things, first it helps me have time to clean up from the first half of the day.... and second it gives them time to reset for their second half of the day.... it has almost eliminated meltdowns completely with the Toddler. 

4. Take the shower. I know, that sounds stupid. But it's not. You are allowed to take a shower, wash your hair, wash your face and the kids can yell at you the whole time, but at least you're clean. You chose you, and I'm proud of you. 

5. Stop spending time with people that make you feel bad. I used to choose to spend time with a few people that just were MISERABLE to be around, they complained, they bitched, and they would talk poorly about other when they weren't around. I would go home drained but I always felt I had to continue to have them in my life for whatever reason. [and trust me I am far from perfect and have been miserable to be around MANY times... I just don't want to continue to be that person]

-And then I stopped spending time with them. 

-And at first I was lonely

-And then I wasn't

-And I am SO much happier

I LOVE every single person I spend time with now. I wish I could spend more time and had more hours in the day for the people in my life. [and I am so grateful they put up with me]

Give yourself the gift of selection. 

It's empowering. 

And even if you don't believe in energy, spirituality, vibrations, chakras, etc [I do] believe in you enough to allow yourself peace. 

Well, in the span of this blog:

I moved myself from Chicken Little and am now resting under a big oak tree loving on this breeze and feeling almost overwhelmed with happiness and guess what? I'm not tired anymore. I moved my energy into a peaceful place and I am IN IT. 

The kids are fed, even dessert, they are happy, they are playing... and I am happy in my own reset. 

Anyway, this isn't a brag thing, this is a join me thing. 

You're way to hard on yourself. 

Yes, you.

Stop it. 

I mean it.

Now.

Love you. 

Proof they have survived me saying no, me taking a shower, and even 'chill' time.

 

The morning after.

The shade I am, is a shade of red I never thought I would be.

This is coming as a shock to me in a way that not even the Spice Girls breaking up or the final season of Sex in the City gave me....

[that is a blatant exaggeration, both of those events ended me in therapy... I wish I was joking]

I am burnt.

I am burnteth.

I am feeling the burn.

I am that thing that happens to so many people I used to pity. I AM SUN BURNT.

I saw myself turning slowly into a tomato and rashly thought to myself, 'boo, you ALWAYS turn brown in the morning.... you got this baby.' But I was wrong.

[Yes, I call myself boo... it makes me feel loved, and wanted, and cherished. OK?]

I was DEAD wrong.

I am awake.

And I am not brown.

So I am rallying for story time at the library.... trying to find a way to wear a bra and not cry from the crispy pain I know is inevitable.....

I can do this.... I will do this for my babies. 

I will get that library card Mini has been pining over....

I will pat the name drum for the Toddler when he refuses too...

I will make it through the glitter and the glue and the crafting. 

I will LIKE IT.

I will not like it, but I will do it. 

But enough with my pain......

As I sit here and write, I hear this little squeaky, "hey mom... hey mama?? I love you. Is that impossible?"

No babe, that is not impossible that is perfect.

And I have one of those devastating thoughts, what will it be like when he's off to college and I don't hear those random 'I love you's' from the kitchen anymore.......... 

This is what life is about. 

Don't forget it. 

Hello, My Name Is.....

Today I though maybe we should..... get to know me better?

Ew, honestly I just threw up a little bit thinking about how obnoxious that sounds.... but I know some of you may not know the chick behind the blog... so I'm going to share... I'm sorry ahead of time. 

Ten random, pointless facts about myself: 

1. I was and am still super nerdy. I totally own it, being my true nerdy self makes me feel safe and at home. [this combined with my insane social anxiety end up clashing many, many times over... but when I feel safe enough around someone to let my nerd flag fly... I'm in utopia]

2. So I guess, my social anxiety is a thing... I love blogging because if I embarrass myself on here, I don't have to see your reaction. After my brother died, my social anxiety really blossomed into what it is now. He was always my 'security blanket', he would always be beside me, and would kind of throw me into meeting people.... and some of my favorite people came from him doing that.... and for that- I will be eternally grateful. [If you never had the chance to meet him, you missed out... he was the best. ever. period]

3. I own 12 grey oversized v-neck [with the side pocket] t-shirts..... I wish I had more. I own dresses and fancy crap... but every time I don't know what to wear, they magically end up on my body.... and I'm here for it. 

4. My kids are my actual life, I am beyond worried about what I'm going to do with myself when they graduate.... high school. I have been tempted on more that one occasion to have more children, just so that I don't have to worry about being empty nesting for another 5 years after the Toddler graduates.... and by then Mini could maybe be having my grandchildren... which would save me from myself.... lord help my children..... they mama is cray.

-I will say this: if they both don't fully pursue their dreams and fly this crazy coop as soon as they can, to be whatever they decide to be, I will shove them out the door myself. But I will be there every step of the way, continuously so stinking proud of them, and I cannot wait for that time of life. but please go slow. I want to love every moment of each of their lives... they are magic. 

5. I LOVE fashion. When I was 17 I was accepted into FIT in New York.... based solely off my essay I wrote *thanks to my almost unhealthy obsession with Narciso Rodriguez*.... I didn't go thanks to many sources deterring me. I, to this day, regret listening to those not encouraging my dreams... Thanks to reflection and time I have worked through understandable resentment, and really honed into my forgiveness skills. *Jesus took that wheel*

6. I bake like a boss. Just, I do. You want a cheesecake? DONE. You want creme brulee? Mine is about 100x better than any crap you're getting around town. I'm pretty self depreciating in most areas of my life [working on it] but when it comes to baking, I'll make your sweet tooth happy AF.

7. I feel guilty about everything... my family has always joked about my 'catholic' guilt... since I'm not catholic. There's a joke in there somewhere......

8. I had a VERY short lived music, moment? Myspace. Three songs. Was contacted by a few labels... I thought I was epic at the time [I WAS NOT].... my dad told me not to pursue it because it would hurt my brothers feelings. And NO you cannot google me, I didn't use my name... THANK GOD. 

9. I spent most of my Summer, Winter, Spring breaks in Michigan... Petoskey. With some of my favorite people. They made me.... I had so many first of my life there. Some of my best moments, most of my best moments before 18, were there. They still are everything in my heart. If you haven't been, go. Everything is so clear and calm there. You won't regret it. 

Finally, I am done rambling your eyes off with beyond stupid, lame 'ten things about me' that really no one cares about but I still did because I'm basic. After this last one:

10. I'm just a really awkward introvert, who is spending her life trying to figure out how to grieve my [brother] best friend forever [he passed away in 2013], trying to not completely be a hermit, be a good mom, friend, wife, daughter, and still find who I am..... And for that I am so sorry, y'all... you are here for this mess. Thank you for reading, I'm not kidding... it means more than you know. 

Happy Tuesday boo thangs. You're all the real MVPs.

12/13 years ago me.... Yes. #emogirl