It's my Party.

I've been mad. Mad at the universe. No, not God, no, not my brother. They both did what they had to do and I am at peace with that... but I am mad at the natural progression of things. 

Tomorrow is my birthday... my pregnant birthday and this is my first birthday without him.... and forever more it will be that way. I can't stop that. I don't have any control of that. This is the way it is.

But I am mad because I know how tomorrow would have been different if he was here still and that is what I can't stand....

I know that he would try to help me forget that I was super pregnant... I know he would get me something ridiculous that I didn't need but would love. He would introduce me to some band that I wouldn't like but eventually would find myself singing too and being in love with for the rest of my life. He would take me dancing to our favorite dance studio... he would definitely take me for sushi. We would eat too much because he would order too much, because 'I needed it.' He would probably take my phone away from me so he could have my undivided attention. After we danced and ate, it would probably past my point of exhaustion (usually anything after 9 pm, but with him it would be 3 am easy) we would get coffee.... because that was just something he would do. I would probably pass out a few times... and when I was awake enough we would tell stories about our lives... and we both would know about them because we both were there.... that's still a hard part for me. Knowing my funny stories aren't nearly as funny as they used to be... because he isn't telling them. And no one gets why they are so great. Not the way he did, not the way we did when we were together. 

So tomorrow I am older... but he will be forever young. And today is just another day that reminds me that I have lost a large part of my youth. I lost a big chunk of who I was till last Fall. And though I am still me, I'm not who I was and I never will be able to again.

Today I feel selfish, but that is okay to be.... it's my party, I can cry if I want too... Right?

I'll always know my place in his heart... but it doesn't make missing him any easier.