Slow Down, Please.

Today was Mother's Day.

And it was perfect. Not in that cheesy, lame Facebook post way. It was perfect for me. And, I mean, isn't that what actually matters? 

I slept in, then when I woke up I was able to get ready for TWO hours-in an empty house. After slathering myself with makeup, I was hugged and loved and given gifts and taken to my favorite brunch spot ever. EVER. I devored all the brisket and bacon lardon topped pizza. Took a walk to the park, and finished off the day with a serenading Toddler. I am now sitting with my feet up, relaxing [I am watching the neighbor also a mom around my age mow her yard.... as her husband plays with their kid I loudly whispered to her from the comfort of my couch, 'you're doing it wrong' and then continued to sit on my butt... because I'm doing it right]

As I sit here, I am overwhelmed with feelings. I wanted to share with you all.... because... I can?

It is so hard, as a mom, to watch my kids grow up so damn fast. I want to freeze every moment. Even the crazy, insane sleepless moments, the silly moments, the stressful moments, the anxious moments, in all these moments I find myself still praying that the time slows down. Over the past year the biggest thing I have found myself repeating over and over again is, 'slow down'. Everything is so fast and busy, we are a generation of expediting and instant gratification.... and I don't want to participate in that anymore. The more I slow down, the more I think about what fills my heart- I embrace a much slower pace, whenever I am able too. I want to sit and do nothing sometimes, just because I can, just because it makes me feel at peace. I want to remember these moments, watching my kids laugh together, watch them be small still, watch them figure out day by day who they want to be when they grow up. I don't want to only remember rushing them from 'thing' to 'thing' or just the big moments in their lives... I want to remember the giggles, the hugs, the quiet moments... I want to remember the way that they sleep or the way that they imagine together. I want to capture so many moments that I am afraid some day will be forgotten.... We spend all this time raising them, we deserve to love as many moments as we can of it. Capture and savor as much as we can. Please babies, slow down. 

This is my heart, my souls desire. And then just like that I am brought back to mom-ality [mom reality] and I find myself laughing my butt off as we all cheer very, VERY loudly for the Toddler who just took a grown man sized poop on the potty.... and even that, I want to remember. These learning and growing moments together. 

I'm beyond thankful to be their mom, and I am blessed with how much they love me and love being my babies..... I will never understand how I was given such an amazing gift X2 but I will always thank God for my place in their lives. 

I hope you all had a wonderful day, but my heart goes out to those that are struggling to conceive, struggling to adopt, have lost their own babies, have lost their mommy's- those that are grieving something today that no one understands. My heart is with you, and I am sending you so much of my love and prayers.

“To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow.” – Maya Angelou

Substance Abuse.

Eleven years ago I would have skimmed passed that title and really not understood it. Ten years ago I would have understood it, but tried to ignore it. Eight years ago I would have already read the article attached... probably twice.

~

Many times in life we are taken to places we never imagined ourselves going too. We are usually taken to the last place we imagined ourselves being and we are forced to either learn from it or we repeat it over and over again.

That being said, in my life I have made my own choices that led me down paths that I have had to learn from and they were hard. They were invasive. They stretched me. And they eventually made me who I am today, I still am learning from them and healing from them and I am happy to know that in anyone's life there is always room for healing and growth.

But. (there is always a 'but', isn't there?) What has taken me for a ride, sometimes more than my own life choices, and definitely created a deeper constant growing pain in my life over the past decade is the life journey's of those I love around me.

~

Have you ever said, "I love you" and not known if that would be the last time they heard you say it? Or not known if those words had made it past the chemical battle going on in the other persons body? Have you ever looked at someone at 8 AM and been hugged by them and laughed with them... and then eight hours later they are cold, callus and distant? And there is nothing you can do, because you know it's the effects of something that has a much stronger hold on them than anything else in their life. It doesn't change your love for them, but you experience hurt so much deeper than you ever imagined, and they don't even know what you're feeling. They don't know what their choices (past and present) are doing to you. If you know what I'm talking about I want you to know, you are not alone. You are stronger than you think. You are a warrior. And even if they never have the ability to know your love and your hurt, they are so blessed for knowing you and having you in their life. (Even though sometimes the healthiest thing for you to do is not be there, while you are there for whatever time frame... you are an answer to a problem they don't even comprehend).

~

I have learned over the past decade that those who love drug addicts, drug abusers, substance abusers, they are silent warriors. They do not get near enough support and encouragement, and many times you don't even know what they are going through. There are more of them than you can even imagine. They wear a brave face and they try to live their lives, but when their phone rings, their heart races a little. They check police reports. They know the neighborhoods you don't want to go to like the back of their hand. They fall asleep sitting up most nights from exhaustion. They are weary. They are invincible... and most times they feel like they are barely hanging on.

~

I am rambling, but I have a lot on my mind. A lot of people. A lot of heavyhearted thoughts. A lot of love continuously going out to those that have an on going battle against something that took over their bodies long ago... and they need the love, they need the consistency, they need so much more. But it's not always easy. And it breaks your heart. Like a high school breakup, but over and over again, it breaks you. And you pick yourself back up, you wipe your tears, and you march on.... never fully being able to share your pain because it's just...too much.

I have love and have lost and still love many that have faced the ugly face of substance abuse. For some reason my life has taken that path over and over again, and I take it as a sign. After losing my brother, I knew I was meant to be apart of trying to aid in the battle against abuse. I just could not figure out in what capacity. Not until lately did something land on my heart. His heart failed because of years of weakening due to substance issues, but mine became stronger in time standing next to him, holding him, and sometimes even carrying him, 6'5" frame and all. I wasn't going to throw away a decade of research, life experiences, and an over abundance of knowledge because his battle was over, I feel like my battle has just only started.

I am going back to school. I am finishing my degree... but it won't be in finance, it's going to be in substance abuse. I want to arm myself with the education to work with loved one's that love substance abusers and I want to work with the abusers themselves. It is constantly on my heart. I pass someone in the store and I see their eyes, or the way they move their arms, the way they pause... and I know more now than I ever thought I would, and I don't want that to go to waste. I want to at least have the ability to help.

So that is my rambling. That is my heart. That is where I am. As I grieve and process the past decade, I want to arm myself with more knowledge than I ever knew before.

I will keep you all posted from time to time as I move in this new direction, but I am excited to know what my next step is, no matter how long it takes me. I know it won't be in vain.

2008. Love you kid.

A Ripe Mosaic

~

I never know how to start something that I know will be difficult to write. And today, especially, I don't know how to write about death. I am sure there is someone out there that is well versed in the eloquence needed to write on those that have passed on. I am a religious person, and I am sure I could lead off with that foot... but for me in this moment that is not what I am looking for. I am not mad at God. I am not angry at Him for this death, I find it immature when people use that cop-out. We are a product of our own doing from the moment we can comprehend right and wrong till our last breath. I am not saying that is true, that is my truth. So, today though I may not be ready too, I am going to write about my loss. 

I felt love at a very young age. Real, unconditional, true love. He came into this world, to annoy the hell out of me September 21, 1989. He was rough, he was loud, he was sneaky, he broke things, and more than anything he frustrated me. We fought, we bickered, and even at times I begged God to let me sell him for a kitten. God obviously knew something I didn't. In the midst of the bloody noses and the minor concussions.... we became best friends. We knew everything about each other. We knew each others fears, dreams, wants, and needs. He was my platonic first love. 

As we grew up I never needed anyone to make me feel special because I already had that someone. He fiercely protected me just as much as he fought with me. We learned how to be independent... together. We supported each others failures and successes. We lied for each other. We imagined for each other. He loved me the way I dreamt someday a man would love me forever, and I him. He loved me when I didn't deserve it and no one else did. 

When I made mistakes, over and over again, he told me not to mind what others thought... because he knew I did. I followed him to every music gig I could possible. I wanted to be by his side always. And now I've failed him in that respect.

Please don't console me. That's not what I'm asking. That isn't the reason I'm writing this. I don't pity myself or the time that I won't have with him. I ache because I lost my best friend. I ache because so many thought/think they knew him the way I did. I ache because I see the hole that his absence has left so many. It pains me to know the dark secrets that I do, that no one will ever know but me now. It hurts to see so many people that didn't care for him, act like they give a rats ass now...even worse that they have the audacity to contact me (pigs). 

But for those that loved him, thank you. You're love is felt by me. Everyday I feel your love. Every moment I loose my breath, I take another one knowing there is love out there for him still and the one of a kind being he was. You make me smile when all I can do is cry, your faces, even if not in front of me, remind me how important it is to keep loving. For everything that he was, and everything he did, and everything he was judged for.... there is one thing he did better than anyone else I've ever met. He LOVED the hell out of those around him. He hugged like a maniac, he cared-not just listened-he cared because he loved you and me. 

Remember him for that please. That is all I'm asking. If I could get one massive gift from anyone, when you think of him... think of that massive heart of his. That loved like literally no one I ever have met did. 

That fucking love has carried me the past few weeks.

To all of you, thank you. Thank you, and you know who you are for keeping me loved, keeping him loved.

(Mini was there too.... in my belly)

Tyler,

I promise you, my love, I will always keep you closer to my heart that you can comprehend and ever did. I will not let those that hurt you before hurt me our those we love, ever. I will make sure you are in my heart always and that you feel it, where ever you are. See you in my dreams honey.

Play on.

~

His Voice for the Quiet Moments.

How To: Keep a Girl Happy. Forever.

So this works both ways.... and I guess it could be pretty simple for someone to do if they stick with the normal, "Love them, treat them special, be committed" normal stuff you should do in a relationship.... but obviously that is boring. So, I've come up with some other ways that you will for sure keep that special someone in your life.... FOREVER.

1. Surprise them. All the time:

2. Keep them guessing. 

3. Make matching outfits that you wear in public as much as possible:

4. Show your protective side... especially in pictures:

5. Find common interests and enjoy them together:

6. Help encourage their grooming habits:

7. Make sure that you know how to hang with her friends:

8. Always be ready to party:

9. Make sure they know that you are ALWAYS there for them:

 This works both ways:

10. Help them overcome their fears: 

I don't know why someone else has not already come up with this... but you are welcome. I think that I just saved you a lot of time, pain, and heartache. 

Happy Monday!

(Makeup Tutorial coming later this week)

Love is love.

We had a great weekend with great celebration. 

A wonderful person, one of my favorites, had a birthday this weekend.

And we were able to celebrate in the best way possible. 

We celebrated with love. With joy. With family. With friends. 

There is no better feeling than love. True, wonderful love. 

I know I have that all around me, and I do not take a second of it for granted. 

I am blessed and I know it. I am bubbling over with blessings. 

Happy Monday. 

Romans 12:18-19, Give it all to God.

Today is the Day that the Lord has Made.

[Thoughtful Thursdays]

Today we snuggled. So. Very. Much.

We made cupcakes.

We danced. We had a dance, dance party.

We studied our sight words and did our homework [both of us].

We sang songs to Jesus and we sang songs about Jesus. 

We read our devotions and learned about love, peace, and blessings. [we are super, duper blessed].

We played with our puppies and fed our fish. 

We. had. fun.

Giggles. Wiggles. And sassiness galore. 

Today we must DANCE.

Yes sometimes you get....tired.

But the world around you is still spinning and life is still happening. 

You cannot stop what you are doing, not always, but in those moments of PURE exhaustion.....

You should just dance.

Yep. Dance. 

I have found that it is the best stress reliever, the best happy motion you can do immediately that can change the course of your day.

So stop. Get wiggly. And Dance. 

You go girl (or boy)! 

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7