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I never know how to start something that I know will be difficult to write. And today, especially, I don't know how to write about death. I am sure there is someone out there that is well versed in the eloquence needed to write on those that have passed on. I am a religious person, and I am sure I could lead off with that foot... but for me in this moment that is not what I am looking for. I am not mad at God. I am not angry at Him for this death, I find it immature when people use that cop-out. We are a product of our own doing from the moment we can comprehend right and wrong till our last breath. I am not saying that is true, that is my truth. So, today though I may not be ready too, I am going to write about my loss.
I felt love at a very young age. Real, unconditional, true love. He came into this world, to annoy the hell out of me September 21, 1989. He was rough, he was loud, he was sneaky, he broke things, and more than anything he frustrated me. We fought, we bickered, and even at times I begged God to let me sell him for a kitten. God obviously knew something I didn't. In the midst of the bloody noses and the minor concussions.... we became best friends. We knew everything about each other. We knew each others fears, dreams, wants, and needs. He was my platonic first love.
As we grew up I never needed anyone to make me feel special because I already had that someone. He fiercely protected me just as much as he fought with me. We learned how to be independent... together. We supported each others failures and successes. We lied for each other. We imagined for each other. He loved me the way I dreamt someday a man would love me forever, and I him. He loved me when I didn't deserve it and no one else did.
When I made mistakes, over and over again, he told me not to mind what others thought... because he knew I did. I followed him to every music gig I could possible. I wanted to be by his side always. And now I've failed him in that respect.
Please don't console me. That's not what I'm asking. That isn't the reason I'm writing this. I don't pity myself or the time that I won't have with him. I ache because I lost my best friend. I ache because so many thought/think they knew him the way I did. I ache because I see the hole that his absence has left so many. It pains me to know the dark secrets that I do, that no one will ever know but me now. It hurts to see so many people that didn't care for him, act like they give a rats ass now...even worse that they have the audacity to contact me (pigs).
But for those that loved him, thank you. You're love is felt by me. Everyday I feel your love. Every moment I loose my breath, I take another one knowing there is love out there for him still and the one of a kind being he was. You make me smile when all I can do is cry, your faces, even if not in front of me, remind me how important it is to keep loving. For everything that he was, and everything he did, and everything he was judged for.... there is one thing he did better than anyone else I've ever met. He LOVED the hell out of those around him. He hugged like a maniac, he cared-not just listened-he cared because he loved you and me.
Remember him for that please. That is all I'm asking. If I could get one massive gift from anyone, when you think of him... think of that massive heart of his. That loved like literally no one I ever have met did.
That fucking love has carried me the past few weeks.
To all of you, thank you. Thank you, and you know who you are for keeping me loved, keeping him loved.
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| (Mini was there too.... in my belly) |
Tyler,
I promise you, my love, I will always keep you closer to my heart that you can comprehend and ever did. I will not let those that hurt you before hurt me our those we love, ever. I will make sure you are in my heart always and that you feel it, where ever you are. See you in my dreams honey.
Play on.
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