Glossy.

Dear Parents of Daughters:

I wore overalls and cargo pants. I was awkward and ill-fitting. I had kindergarten clips in my hair and I hid behind glasses that I hoped would hide my bushy eyebrows and uneven smile. I laughed too loud and thought that was wrong. I was gangly and weird and not like all the petite girls I was growing up around. I did not ever imagine I would grow out of that stage, I thought that stage was just...me.

Gangly.

Then Vogue happened and later, Bazaar.

Placed in front of me was something I did not understand but I wanted to know more. They transformed me, and they still do. 

It makes me disheartened when I read/hear people say, "Don't let your daughters look at fashion magazines." I don't think anyone should just look, but rather they should read. Let her read fashion magazines. Let her open Vogue and know what it feels like to open a new world. A world with stories and dreams. A world without duckfaces or instagram filters, without implants or raccoon eyes.... a world that she can learn that there is more to life than whatever she might thing is reality. 

I almost had forgotten the joy I have always felt when opening up a big, glossy issue and falling into its articles until my Bazaar's Fall Fashion Issue arrived. I reverted back to 15. Back to my teens when I went from awkward to Ford Model and learned I wasn't weird, I was just in the wrong reality.... my world needed to be bigger and I started to emulate the models I saw and because of them I learned how to do my hair and my makeup... and even find jeans that fit. And I went from an awkward Sophomore to a model. Even just for a little bit, it was what I needed to see that I maybe 'weird' to small town mentally limited peons, but to Chicago, New York, Tokyo, Berlin, and Milan.... I was in demand.

From this....

To this.

So please, let her read Vogue, let her fall into Bazaar, let her dream.... for she maybe, just maybe will find herself. Let her go beyond the pictures and see the world that is: Fashion.  

(And if you raise her right.... she still will have all this weirdness going on even when she's pushing 30:

Offended.

I was excited to see the latex nude bikini that Miley was wearing at the VMA's this year. Yes. I was excited. I had literally just purchased the same one a week ago and seeing it on her reassured me that I would definitely be able to pull the look off. But ever since the VMA's the outfit has been blasted and I really am not sure why? Like I always say, haters gonna hate. Ya dig?

Sometimes we make life choices that not everyone agrees with, most of my poor life choices have been for public consumption so I understand what Miley is going through (including her fabulous fashion sense that isn't getting credit where credit is due... Everyone wears a teddy bear bodysuit sometime....) Like Kermit always says, "It ain't easy being green"

As for you parents out there disgusted and appalled.... It could be worse. She could have actually looked good on stage. I think you are safe in knowing mostly no one is going to want to copy that look or really anything she did that night.... I'd just leave it at that. 

Stay tuned next week for my nude latex bikini............................................................................

(Never)

Happy Twerking Tuesday!

Monday Confessions: Espresso Yourself.

A long, long time ago in a galaxy.... well, actually in the same town I live in now I used to work. A lot. A lot more than I do now, and of course, for a fraction of the pay. I worked three jobs and probably would have died if I didn't slow it down a bit there after a while. I was a barista in the morning, an assistant office manager of a real estate broker, and a candlestick maker.... (no not really.) I worked a lot, as you can well imagine. Although my favorite job (the only one that I enjoyed) was working as a barista. I met some fabulous people and some of my greatest memories came from that time. The funny thing about me becoming a barista was that I never drank coffee. Ever. Didn't really like it, so I thought I wouldn't be tempted to start just because I was surrounded by it almost every day. (Yeah.... I was not so bright back then, thank goodness I'm a genius now.)

Within the first week. Day. Hour. whatever.. I had espresso.... and it changed my life. I realized that I was invincible. I could do anything with this new liquid courage.... screw alcohol, espresso gave me WINGS! It probably didn't help that I started to substitute meals with espresso drinks, that sometimes we would do espresso races....(that will be another post, it has rules and explanations that take longer than I can share at this moment... but it was intense and a lot of caffeine was consumed in a very short period of time), and then when my shift was over I would get a drink to go....because that was healthy for my digestive system, heart, and brain......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................not.

This addiction continued until I found out I was pregnant and had to quit cold turkey. It was traumatic to say the least and I didn't know if I would ever recover from the lack of copious amounts of caffeine that was usually running through my blood stream. I did. I actually was fine. When the time came when I could drink caffeine again I knew that I needed to limit my intake. The risk was just too high that I, once again, would become codependent on my personal choice of liquid...espressssssooooo. Now I like to limit it to three shots and some water.... A simple Americano. I am keeping it under raps.... honestly, nothing to worry about here. I've got this. I'm okay now. You can leave me alone in the room with an espresso maker and not be worried. But I don't recommend that you do that. Just in case. I'm just saying... lets not risk it. 

Happy Monday!!!!! 

Me back in the day Circa 2006.... on Espresso. 

How do I say this.....

I don't know where to start.... I have had a love for one piece outfits for all my life long, if you guys recall: My Unhealthy Love. It started with overalls (Still my first true love) but it now has evolved into something even more amazing.... Jumpsuits. Wonderful. Fabulous. Magical.... jumpsuits. 

With Fall just around the corner I thought that I was at a lost in my search for finding my jumpsuit for the season.... and then I found it. The JS (my new slang for jumpsuit....see what I did there?) that I have been searching high and low for:

Now, I know what you are thinking.... it's almost too wonderful to actually wear in public, but I know that with the right hair/makeup/shoes I can make this work for me.... as a Halloween costume :) Did you seriously think I would wear this in public? You're silly. 

Happy Friday!

The Fat Camp Bully.

Day three of Strep. I think Cabin fever is setting in. I thought I was doing better last night..... but I was wrong. I feel pretty awful right now. Not complaining, just stating facts. (Insert Gross, sick face.)

I started to think about fat camp. Yep, fat camp for my food addiction. I realized (a long time ago) that I base most of my life choices on or around food. I don't know why or when it started but I never used to care about food.... I think that all changed when I started to taste food, not just consumed it... and it has been a struggle ever since.... do I need to go to fat camp? Maybe, because of my addiction... to love... I mean food. Love of food. Food love. Obsession. Food obsession. Obsession of food... I think I may need too. Just saying.

So technically I would need to go to a Food Addiction Rehab. (I googled it.... but it just didn't sound as fun.)

After thinking about it for a while, wondering if I would survive, I created my Diary at Fat Camp:

Day 1:

Arrive. They find the steaks/candy/cookies that I smuggled in.... but they didn't find the cheesecake and stuffed hamburgers that I strapped to my body... boo-ya. They find those later. Crap. I start to bully other people at my table for their portions. I become fat camp bully which means I eat more. I'm not embarrassed. Mama's got to eat. 8 pm: I am hungry. I try to hitch hike to the nearest Arby's for stuffed hot peppers.... they catch me. Still hungry.

Day 2: 

They try to make me workout. I'm not feeling it. I fake fall and hurt myself. Nap time for me... sneak into the counselors cabin, only to find they eat healthy too. Obviously get caught.... now I have to workout, start dry heaving, blame it on the lack of carbs. These people have no pity, its pretty apparent they are robots, soulless robots. Dreamt about Reese's and garlic bread tonight.... so....very....weak.

Day 3:

I start to act out, I think it's the hallucinations from the lack of calories. I've lost a whole 1.2 pounds and my sanity. It's just too much. These people are the worst. They. Don't. Care. About. Human. Life. I must get out. I must break free. I must find biscuits and gravy. 

Day 4: 

I get kicked out of fat camp for being too difficult. Shows their weaknesses, not mine. Obviously. But I am okay at failing fat camp, I blame my strong will. I showed them. Pshhh

Day 5: 

Celebratory cannoli for breakfast. Sometimes I'm okay with my food obsession, especially when it comes to eating. 

~

Yeah, I wouldn't survive at any camp that takes me away from my love for food.

Here is what my head looks like at any given time.... just so you know what I'm dealing with on a day to day (minute by minute basis):

First and foremost... always wings. All the time in my head.

Ahhhh pizza. Pretty much perfection.

Cupcakes. Duh.

Gyoza is the best. Right??

Ribs, I had ribs for lunch....

Baked donuts. Or Krispy Kremes. Done and done.

Steak. So good. No veggie here. Sorry. Not Sorry.

Sushi time, every time. 

It's probably an addiction. Right? 

Does it look like I'm going to change my ways?? NOPE.

Happy Thursday!

Day 2: Strep On.

Things I've learned in the past 24 hours of being sick:

1. TV selection during the day really consists of CSI and Charmed. I find this depressing.

2. You consume way to many carbs while watching these shows.... I blame the suspense.

3. You HAVE to have an animal (or three) to have someone to talk to that isn't made out of cotton. It's a little more acceptable to talk to a snake or dog than a towel or a sweater.... that's just my personal thought.

4. I believe that significant others should be allowed to take off work if you are sick. Because this crap gets boring when you're the only one home.

5. There are only so many recipes I can look up before I start baking (with a mask and sanitized hands)..... the Snickerdoodles are now done, thank you for asking... from scratch.

6. Pinterest is addicting and I suddenly feel as though I have the power to craft. (I do not have the power to craft.)

7. Day 2/3 of Strep is EXHAUSTING. I just walked to the kitchen. From the living room (they're attached) and had to take a cat nap. This is ridiculous. Ri. Dic.

8. I have already phoned the Guinness Book of world records for taking the most showers in one day. They said my record was close..... I am not even halfway through the day.... I've got this. I still don't know why I think taking a shower will somehow cure and/or improve my Strep... but I am still trying. I will not, will not, give up.  

9. I have memorized most yoga poses and have yet to actually attempt any of them today.... because that would take work and energy I do not have. (They say it's the thought that counts...right?)

10. And finally, if I'm sick for much longer I will probably buy one of these in every color:

DO YOU BLAME ME?? They are just the cutest. 

How to get Through Strep...

So, it's one of the last few weeks of the summer.... Which means I had to get Strep Throat. Obviously. This always happens. Always. It is the worst. (For those of you that have had it.... you know there is no fun in it... none at all. Nada.) 

But as you know I try to make the best of a crappy (scratchy, swollen throat....fever....death warmed over) situation. I wanted to help any of you out there also get through this as painless as possible. 

My step by step to getting through Strep:

1. Figure out you have strep... they'll probably put one of these on you:

2. Get some medicine for it:

3. Get a crap ton of liquids (soup and tea for me):

4. Take a nap.

5. Take a cold shower....or ten.

6. Watch TV (I chose a marathon of this guy):

7. Shop for clothes on sites that make you feel like you are getting a discount and then you just end up buying more stuff.

8. Try not to pass out from your fever.

9. Try to surround yourself with people that want to baby the crap out of you with back massages and head massages.... if you can't find of those just pay someone at a spa to do it and pretend that they are your actual friend. (And make sure to wear your mask...so you don't get them sick)

10. Finally, don't drink wine with Strep..... I've heard that can be trippy.... that's just what I've heard.

(And make sure you wear lots of makeup....because you can almost fake yourself into believing that you aren't as sick as you really are)

Good luck ya'll and try not to be sick. Mk?? 

Things I don't want to see.

I am pretty open minded when it comes to most things in life but there are some things (faces) I CANNOT handle seeing. They give me nightmares.... and honestly I'm too mature to act like they don't bug me anymore. So here are my top ten faces... I. Don't. Want. To. See:

No... NO. I don't want to see you or come to your hotel. 

The reason I hate dolls. Thanks Chuck. Thanks a lot. 

I don't know...maybe it's the bad dye job that bugs me about this one?

I hate it when people wear their hair in their face. (PS it's called dry shampoo...try it)

I hate clowns. You know this. Why Steven King....why?

No one likes an angry leprechaun.... no one.

If you've seen his movies... you would know why I'm not posting a picture of his mask. This is enough for me. This face has haunted me enough as it is. 

Teeth. They are were it's at. Clean it up, honey.... 

There. Are. No. Words.

Number one scariest face. Ever. (*Shivers*)

This is my list of faces I never want to see again. Do you blame me? Scary stuff my friends...scary stuff.

I'm closer to 30 than 20. FACT.

In that time I think I have learned a few things. I probably  have learned less than I would like to admit, but that is beside the point. I do know I've learned a thing or two, or ten. I really feel that it is only fair that I share those things with you... so that you too can be as wise as me. You're welcome. 

1. Abraham Lincoln was super smart. When in doubt Google a quote from him and post it on your social networks... it'll make you look a lot smarter than you actually are:

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."-Abraham Lincoln 

(See! I already seem smarter... don't I? Don't lie to yourself. Stop it. Just admit how smart I seem.) 

2. Bacon cures most everything. Broken hearts. Rashes. Allergies. Hangovers. Sleep deprivation. Swimmers ear. Forest fires... even hunger. 

3. You will, eventually, turn into your mother. Luckily my child is going to just become more awesome when that happens. You're welcome, honey.

4. After 25 your body starts to depreciate, just like a car. Gravity happens, and a lot of other bad things do as well.... that is why God granted us the ability to smear weird creams on, squeeze into weird contraptions to make us look less....saggy, and most importantly, many...many Apps on our iPhones to edit the pictures of us that make us look like versions of ourselves we never have been and never will be. 

5. Barney was a cult. He convinced us that cleaning was fun. That everyone loves everyone. And that all problems could be solved with a song and a hug from a masked man in a dinosaurs costume. Sadly I still feel happy when I see his face... and it remind me the world is a happy place.... when Barney is around. 

6. If you have WebMD you really do not need an actual doctor. You ARE a real doctor with WebMD.

7. All those matching outfits that your parents put you and your siblings in when you were younger.... there was no excuse for that cruelty... but you still will probably do the same thing to your kids. (Character building....right?)

8. When someone asks how you are.... don't tell them. Not all of it. Ain't nobody has time for that. Unless their your best friend. Then lay it on them. But don't be so open. Not everyone deserves that. 

9. You MUST have a theme song for your life. It will make your whole existence worth while, in a way that it wouldn't be without it. If you don't have one stop whatever you're doing and go get one. NOW. Seriously. I'm not joking. Here's mine (Thanks mom for playing this throughout my entire childhood):

10. And finally, I make entirely way too many lists.... and in no way am I upset about that..... it probably will always happen. Sorry. Not Sorry. 

Happy Friday!

I tried dark lips. It worked okay. For a hot second. Then ended up all over my face. #firstworldproblems