Mental Health Days for Moms.

I'm exhausted. I am sitting here full of tasty grilled steak fajita and mango salsa [I made that steak like a boss], propping my feet donning ankle weights like a true girl from the 80's on my faux fur ottoman, coming to you in real time. 

I wish there was a picture of this situation, but thank god there isn't. 

I am counting the minutes till bed time for the little boos so I can put on my nightly sheet mask, edit some wonderful family images from last week, and force my husband to watch Baywatch against his will. 

At the moment I am watching Chicken Little, watching a toddler pretend to shit on his toilet and listening to a preteen tell me how her mouth hurts.... she just had her braces tightened. 

It's fine... it is totally fine. I am just TIRED. AF.

BUT I wanted to drop some parenting advice on all my fellow moms.....

I like to call this segment the 'Stop trying so hard and you'll love yourself a lot more....' 

[as long as you stop giving a f*ck about what anyone thinks]

1. Sometimes it is worth it to say no. Say no to your kids. Say no to your family. Say no to your friends. And most importantly, say NO to yourself. NO, you don't have to do a damn thing today. Or tomorrow. 

2. Sometimes Netflix can help you parent, and that doesn't make you a bad mom. 

3. I make BOTH my kids, 3 and 10, take 1.5 hours of chill/nap time every single day. After lunch they know the rules, you can read, play quietly in your room, etc but it is 'reset' time. 

-this does two things, first it helps me have time to clean up from the first half of the day.... and second it gives them time to reset for their second half of the day.... it has almost eliminated meltdowns completely with the Toddler. 

4. Take the shower. I know, that sounds stupid. But it's not. You are allowed to take a shower, wash your hair, wash your face and the kids can yell at you the whole time, but at least you're clean. You chose you, and I'm proud of you. 

5. Stop spending time with people that make you feel bad. I used to choose to spend time with a few people that just were MISERABLE to be around, they complained, they bitched, and they would talk poorly about other when they weren't around. I would go home drained but I always felt I had to continue to have them in my life for whatever reason. [and trust me I am far from perfect and have been miserable to be around MANY times... I just don't want to continue to be that person]

-And then I stopped spending time with them. 

-And at first I was lonely

-And then I wasn't

-And I am SO much happier

I LOVE every single person I spend time with now. I wish I could spend more time and had more hours in the day for the people in my life. [and I am so grateful they put up with me]

Give yourself the gift of selection. 

It's empowering. 

And even if you don't believe in energy, spirituality, vibrations, chakras, etc [I do] believe in you enough to allow yourself peace. 

Well, in the span of this blog:

I moved myself from Chicken Little and am now resting under a big oak tree loving on this breeze and feeling almost overwhelmed with happiness and guess what? I'm not tired anymore. I moved my energy into a peaceful place and I am IN IT. 

The kids are fed, even dessert, they are happy, they are playing... and I am happy in my own reset. 

Anyway, this isn't a brag thing, this is a join me thing. 

You're way to hard on yourself. 

Yes, you.

Stop it. 

I mean it.

Now.

Love you. 

Proof they have survived me saying no, me taking a shower, and even 'chill' time.

 

#basic

It's been a hot minute. 

I was a busy week and I am finally laying down to relax.... which is a joke because I have a three year old laying on me asking me about wet hair, showers and why I don't take showers with him. 

Now he is crying because I told him to watch a movie with his sister.... I am A MONSTER. 

Toddlers, man.... they are something.

Fast forward 23 minutes.

Well.... I just sent both my children upstairs. I am done with them. 

I just can't handle the constant tattling, screaming, and uncontrollable crap that comes out of my precious, close to perfection children sometimes. 

BUT.

BUT.

Tomorrow is a new day....

TOMORROW is CAMP day.

And this girl cannot wait for tomorrow.

I love my children. SO. MUCH. But after a week of stay-cation with all four of us, I am ready for life to not be events, fun, and togetherness. I'm ready for laundry time and normalcy and work. 

JUDGE ME.... 

[You obviously don't have children]

[Or you're Satan]

I don't discriminate either way.... but I see you.

So, this week.... it was 4th of July week and let me tell ya, it's a tiring situation with kids and WE are extra parents and we have to do all the things. [points to overachieving husband] 

Back in my day we pulled up to an alley down town Indy, sat on the top of a mini van and watched fireworks and we liked it. WE HAD TO LIKE IT. We didn't need parades and full days planned around spoiling children...... they have NO idea how lucky they are. 

AN ALLEY.

DOWNTOWN.

ON A MINI VAN.

WITH NO SNACKS.

FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS FOR ME.

#entitled

#millennial 

#merica

Amazon Prime is One Hell of a Drug

You know what I love? I love sitting down to write-and easily ADD/Gemini destract myself to such a point that I go from watching Jane the Virgin to looking up side affects for a bladder infection [I have one and just started taking my prescription..... yes I feel like I'm dying TMI] to some how ending up on a google search tracking down a current picture of Bryan Adams wife.. 

Fact: She is one of the prettiest people I've ever seen. Also, she doesn't age.... also I think it's time for some fillers because at 43 she looks younger than me.... at 31. [I'm not going to do it.... it was a joke, kind of. Maybe in 6 months.] 

googles: Cecilie Thomsen anti-aging tips and tricks

googles: how to sell soul to devil for never ending youth

googles: how to pray and ask God to forgive you after you are tempted to sell your soul for something so damn vain

(amazon primes a new self improvement book and a daily journal to find inner beauty)

THAT MY FRIENDS, is the rabbit hole that is my brain. 

It has been exactly 7 minutes since I sat down to write. Yeah. Imagine living with me........

It's a trip.

So, yeah, I have a bladder infection. Painful. I know, you didn't want to know-but now you know. 

tempted to post on Facebook: accepting warm dinners and massage appointments during this rough time of my life. Can't do life. Have bladder infection. 

Have I mentioned sometimes I am a little dramatic and super needy? 

On top of my infection, the filling I got a few months back isn't working, the nerve sensitivity is extremely disheartening..... you would think that would hinder my binge eating, but I've figured my way around it. Don't worry-I'm not starving over here.... 

sets down pizza [no one is surprised anymore] googles self help books for binge eating.

Ok, I'm back..... amazon prime is one hell of a drug. LET ME TELL YOU.

Veers to the other side of my brain never to return to any of the previous topics again

Amazon Prime.....

I need a vacuum.... Mini wants a skateboard.... Dallas has a Lego set waiting for him after he potty trains some more.... the dog has weight gainer.... and our entire family wardrobe for our family pictures.... all can be here in two days. If that isn't magic.... I don't know what is. But bisch is addicting. Therefore, I stand by my statement-she a drug.

And I'm here for it.

I am not alone in this thought process, am I?

Now, I actually have to work.... and do work things, and do laundry, and prep dinner because this is the golden hour at home.... it is 'LIBRARY TIME' aka go take a nap so I can clean up after our crafting morning and the mess that has been left by the Toddler and his sister. 

Wish me luck....

I have an hour to turn this place around and work. 

Halp.

If looks could kill....
 'when your sister is in a bad mood and you walk half an acre [carrying your chair] to go be near her and hug her and say I love you and she's NOT into it.'

The Outsiders.

When I was in seventh grade I had the most interesting man come into my life. He was my teacher. He taught me how to love reading. He taught me how to have a voice. And he taught me to not give a damn.[something I had to relearn many times over throughout the years] but he was at the forefront of so many things I have become now.

He introduced me to the book, The Outsiders, midway through my school year in seventh grade. He had a feeling I would like it. He was right. It took me about a day of tears, laughter and heart wrenching pain to finish it. And then I read it again.... little did I know how much that book would mean to me as I got older. 

A few years after I read the book, I gave it to my brother to read. He loved reading and instantly agreed this was 'our book'.... because we had a very codependent relationship and did literally everything together.... and I am so glad we did. 

As I went through some of the trials of life and heartache with him later on in our lives, I started calling him 'Ponyboy', from the book. It just was a thing. He was the youngest. He was a genius [based on IQ, not me bragging] but he struggled within himself to find his purpose and to find who he was. 

A phrase used in the book, was, "Stay gold" they used this phrase as the urban dictionary describes, as to say stay innocent and pure.... their way of saying good bye. 

We both loved that phrase, and I used to say that to him.... especially when he was going through a hard time... struggling with his demons.... I always felt that it was a way to bring him back. 

After he passed away, I knew-I believe-that same day, if I was to memorialize him on my body I could only ever get that phrase.

Stay Gold. 

Silly to think I used it so many times to bring him back, and now it is a phrase I tell myself to bring myself back to the present when I am missing him so much it hurts every part of me. 

Stay Gold. 

It may mean nothing to anyone else, but to me it means the world. 

So yesterday with two of my favorite people I finally got my tattoo for him.

It had to be in typewriter font, because that boy loved his typewriter more than many people knew. And that was just one of the adorable things about him. 

emo selfie. 

The morning after.

The shade I am, is a shade of red I never thought I would be.

This is coming as a shock to me in a way that not even the Spice Girls breaking up or the final season of Sex in the City gave me....

[that is a blatant exaggeration, both of those events ended me in therapy... I wish I was joking]

I am burnt.

I am burnteth.

I am feeling the burn.

I am that thing that happens to so many people I used to pity. I AM SUN BURNT.

I saw myself turning slowly into a tomato and rashly thought to myself, 'boo, you ALWAYS turn brown in the morning.... you got this baby.' But I was wrong.

[Yes, I call myself boo... it makes me feel loved, and wanted, and cherished. OK?]

I was DEAD wrong.

I am awake.

And I am not brown.

So I am rallying for story time at the library.... trying to find a way to wear a bra and not cry from the crispy pain I know is inevitable.....

I can do this.... I will do this for my babies. 

I will get that library card Mini has been pining over....

I will pat the name drum for the Toddler when he refuses too...

I will make it through the glitter and the glue and the crafting. 

I will LIKE IT.

I will not like it, but I will do it. 

But enough with my pain......

As I sit here and write, I hear this little squeaky, "hey mom... hey mama?? I love you. Is that impossible?"

No babe, that is not impossible that is perfect.

And I have one of those devastating thoughts, what will it be like when he's off to college and I don't hear those random 'I love you's' from the kitchen anymore.......... 

This is what life is about. 

Don't forget it. 

It's a million degrees out....

As I slowly ride this power wheel back to the garage.... I really contemplate my life.....

Who am I?

I am a 31 year old mother of two riding a GMC power wheel back to the garage before a storm because I'm to tired to push it 100 ft back. What does that make me? I don't know.... and I don't really care as long as there is a beer at the end of this ride.

It has only been four weeks...... how? I feel as though it's been a year since school was in session. It honestly has been a blast, but it's been long. Do you guys relate?

It has been hands down the most relaxing break, ever.

But have I mentioned....I have a strong willed toddler??

Someone hand me a beer. 

Also, I am still sore from yesterday's 3 minute jump session in the trampoline. What has my body become? [eats my forth piece of pizza of the day]

I haven't given up, I'm just accepting that I am living my best life.

I am proud to report that I have FINALLY recovered from the hangover of 2018.... 6 days later.... fully. I am not a 'shots' kind of girl.... but I pride myself on my efforts. I am no quitter.

THANK. GOD. I finally got the stupid thing in the garage. That. WAS. A workout..... *adds workout to myfitnesspal* god I am #fitnessgoals.....

On to my HIIT workout, we're doing arms today reps on reps of this weighted beer curl, making sure to use equal weights in each arm....... I may DOUBLE fist. For my workout. You know. Duh. #fitmom.

I am sorry, I hate being one of 'those girls' always talking about working out, but I want to inspire others in my quest for total body transformation.

Happy Monday gals, we've got this.

Blocking all those haters that say you can't have a good time working out.

I'm the worst.

I'm sorry.... I have been MIA. But I have a ton of excuses, that I will not bore you with.

So, yesterday... a Tuesday.... was my birthday.

It was a great day. The kids were so sweet and then when my husband got home he and I went to eat and shop.....

Then went to a snazzy bar after dinner and randomly ran into some awesome gals that wanted to help me celebrate my day, and they did.

----------------------------------------------------------


And I just woke up in my Spanx.... tennis bracelet..... and lashes.....

I feel ridiculous..... 

 I just made myself a large lemon grass tea and salad.... accompanied by a big bowl of shame.

So, this is 31.......

I am going to take my Spanx off and take my probiotics and rally..... 

Potty training is going to be a blast today. 

Ok, I am done rambling.... [lol who am I kidding?]

unrolls the spanx off my body..... takes my pride and places it back where it belongs, sips tea.

As I write I am sitting here watching RHONY high lights on Youtube and feeling myself coming back to my normal boring self. Thank. God. 

UPDATE:

I started this blog at 8 am and now am finishing up now... at 5..... PM. 

I can't do hangovers at 31 with two kids who decided to fight all day....

I can't put their trampoline together in the back yard hungover either, but I got it almost done... because I'm stupid. 

So, all in all the first day of 31 is really making me feel like the first day of my 21st.... and no one wants that. 

Happy Wednesday babes. Don't do what I did.

During. After. 

My birthday. I miss you.

Every year since my brother died I have had such a hard time celebrating my birthday. I cry every year.... I didn't understand fully why, for the first couple of years... but I finally started to understand after the third year. I feel selfish being able to still celebrate my birthday.... 

I know, that sounds stupid to anyone that has not lost someone close, but I really do feel that if you have, you get it. 

It is so heart breaking to think about I am sure, no matter who you are, but until you have to live it... you will never understand. 

I wake up on my birthday, and I cry. I cry because I have two wonderful babies that are so excited to celebrate me... a family that wants to plan something, a husband that wants to do something special, friends that want to do something for it... and I know that no matter what, I am still going to have a heaviness in my heart that entire day. NOT because I do not appreciate all that I have, I do more than I can express... but because he is not here. He will not be here for my 30's, 40's, 50's.... and that sucks.

IT SUCKS.

I want to scream it. Sometimes. But I don't.... I hide in the bathroom, cry into a towel for about 15 minutes-until the babies wake up. And then I rally, because who wants to remember their mom crying every damn birthday??

So, this is that depressing post I try to steer clear of, but it is life.... and I write about life... the cute, the stupid, the real, the funny, and yes-sometimes the sad. 

Can I be me for a second? Please don't judge to harshly....

I miss him so much I ache.... I miss having a best friend sibling. I miss the text messages, I miss the stupid calls, I miss the just because... I miss the hugs.... I miss the secrets.... I miss the, US. Damn it. I walk around every day feeling an emptiness. I am so grateful for the people that include me because they know my sadness.... I'll never be able to thank them enough. But, I hope everyone with a sibling knows-I hope you LOVE the shit out of them. I hope you feel grateful for them, even when they upset you... and please, love on those that have lost their own whenever you can... because we need it, more than you know.

I love you all. Thank you for putting up with my awkwardness. 

B

Tears over here: 

Family night the summer before he passed away.

We were a mess... and I loved it. (5'7" an 6'5")

Us and the ex wife lol 

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.

He was just my best friend ever. He let me be weird. He loved me. No matter what. 

I miss laughing with him

I miss being near him.

Damn it. I thought this would be easier.... can you all just love someone with all your heart for me. Yes, I'm balling my eyes out... and yes I hate missing him. I hate feeling alone after feeling so complete with him around. Just, please, love as much as you can. 

So we got a Meijer.

Big news in the big city to the north of me.... and by big city, I mean the city that I lived in up until about a year ago. The big city in total is just shy of 32,000 people... not huge. So, obviously getting a Meijer was trending like a mofo for about two weeks straight on my FB feed. 

I didn't go to the opening. 

I didn't go the first week.

I was excited because the populous was excited.... and they carry my favorite pair of jeans. But that was pretty much the extent of my excitement. 

So, I went. I went with the babies and my bestie. And it was fun, but then I left. And I reflected. I do that sometimes. 

And I've had a few days to really think about it. I hate change, small change, big change.... I had my Blackberry till they told me I couldn't anymore with my plan. And I cried about it.... I'm not kidding I CRIED about it, for a long while. I'll stick with something till it is not worth sticking with, because I hate change. 

[I'm just letting you know this, because that might be were all these feelings are coming from, and maybe I'll regret it in six months] 

But here is how I feel:

Bigger isn't always better-unless we're talking about pasta, movie theater popcorn, or good pizza. 

I have standards. [which seem to solely revolve around food....]

The Meijer is closer to me than Target... but guess what?? I have chosen Target every damn time since I went. It is HOME to my SOUL. It is where I feel peace. It is where I go to feel accepted. Target has loved me at my worst. Target has loved me when I didn't deserve love. Target pulses through my veins.... and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I won't quit you.... Target.... and I know you won't quit me. 

So, I'm not impressed Meijer.... I'm NOT impressed. For now. Maybe forever. 

Knowledge. Dropped.

It Goes to 11.

God, I really want to lie to you right now. I want to tell you that I totally spaced sharing this post... that it was already written yesterday [on time]... I want to lie to you, but I can't. I won't. You DESERVE the truth. 

Yesterday was a monster day, I just was miserable with allergies-they really have gotten me shookith and all I want to do is claw my eyes out all day. 

AND today, today I actually had half the day with just my Mini and it was AWESOME. Even though we spent most of it grocery shopping, which I loath. It was SO nice to not have to break up a sibling fight almost all day. And honestly, it was such a good day that I wasn't sure this blog was even going to go up today.... but then little man came home, the TODDLER entered the front door. And he was demanding that I remove the chocolate from his lactose free milk that he had just ask me to put in.... and he was trying to steal his sisters jewelry box.... and just like that-I was back in mommy reality. Which I love more than anything, but it is real life... and real life is not perfect.

I had to make a final stop before settling in for the night, and on the way the kiddos requested music. I knew just what to do... since the Toddler had not slept-and was a bit of a sass- I knew I could get away with playing his night, night music and let him pass out a little bit early. So, in true Toddler form, I played his never fail play list of songs. I found out at a young age, the only type of music that would soothe him in the car was rap.... and over the years that fact has NEVER changed. 

DRAM-Broccoli, Amine-Caroline, and Kyle-iSpy..... does. the. trick.

Youtube them... if you want.... I LITERALLY give zero craps if you judge me. It's just music, which is art, which I support because I'm not a soulless demon.  [Are you??]

My dad used to quote a saying that I live my life the exact opposite to, because it always PISSED me off so much as a child and now even more so as an adult. Because he was wrong in my opinion and the quote was the antithesis of how I am raising my children: 

"If you're too open minded your brain will fall out."

Like, EW, just typing it made me feel gross. LIKE EW. Wtf is that telling our kids, wtf did it tell us as kids. I know it messed with my brother his entire life until he passed. AKA, DON'T accept anything unless your parents tell you too..... yeah no, I'm going to have to pass on that. 

Do you feel gross? I feel gross. pauses to take a shower, hug my babies, tells them they can do anything, tells myself loving things, comes back to computer.

The Toddler fell asleep midway through the second song, and is still out. I know what I'm doing.... half the time.... ok 10% of the time... with advice and love and forgiveness.

But it worked. And I'm grateful.

So, this sure is a rambling blog... and I am fine with it. Moral of the story, don't be an ass. Be open. Raise open minded kids. Be loving. Love with an open mind and an open heart, I promise it's worth it. 

Rant over. is it really ever over with me? that is a solid NOPE, but for today, you are relieved of your duty.

So, as I sit here.... I am wondering. How do you guys feel about a live video this Sunday? A get ready with me video maybe? I don't know... I'm just spit balling over here. We will see. 

Maybe that is a next week thing.....

I'm so rude.

Day 3 of Summer Break....

It was a dark and stormy night.... actually it was an overcast 90 degree day... and it was the third day of summer break. As I sat pool side, I thought to myself, 'self, it has been a really good three days.... I'm so glad.... it is all going so carefree and fun.' Well, self just done jinxed herself. Idiot.

If you have ever met the Toddler, you know.... he really is his own leader. He is independent, strong willed, a one man show, pushy, demanding, and a big love muffin [did I mention strong willed?] One thing he also is, and it has caused many a grey hair, he is the most accident prone child I have ever met.... I wish the ER just had a tab... because I would have left ours open once he learned how to walk. He is my baby boy and I am so in love with his personality, just like I am with his sisters-BUT he is just like her, in that he is really a character. He just is one of a kind.

Today we went to the pool with his bestie, they decided it was time to take a snack break [the pool makes the kids take a break every hour] and they sat across from each other sharing a massive box of M&M's the Toddler calls them chocolate Skittles and I support that and they each dove into their own snow cones as well. They were finally finishing up with their little picnic when the Toddler shockingly leaned back and fell straight back onto the pavement. I jumped up as it was happening and scooped him up as fast as I could, but I knew it was going to be bad. And honestly, I was terrified for him. 

I tried to stay calm, but I was probably a psychopath.... I own it, head wounds scare the shit out of me. I called his doctors office while holding the 44 pound Toddler sob/screaming in my ear understandably and the idiot on the other line wouldn't let me speak to a nurse, instead she was going to save me... her front desk skills were equipped to judge if my son was OK.... I am not belittling her job, I am saying her advice was a liability for their office, her said advice was crap and ended up being wrong as well. bisch stay in your lane, my son is freaking hurt. 

We made it to the urgent care, I wasn't sure what was going to happen but they were beyond sweet and patient with him. 

The doctor finally made it into the room, and mid-conversation the Toddler, as politely as he could asks, 'Can it be my time to talk yet?' Thank god she had a threenager of her own, and she was so sweet to him.... it was his turn to talk after all.

He had real tears in his eyes, the saddest baby boy face quiver EVER, "Well, my mommy she, she wasn't there... she wasn't there behind me... she should have been behind me but she didn't. And so I fell back because I didn't have my mommy, and if she had been there [big sob sniff here] she would have stopped me from falling, but she wasn't and that was wrong [insert devastating sobbing]"

Well, I'm an asshole. Great. In my defense, I've never had to sit behind him on a bench, but I will be from now on, dang it. 

He has a mild concussion. He has a failure as a mother. He has a nasty looking head wound under his politician hairdo. He has a sister that insisted she could take better care of him the rest of the day. And he will be OK. Which is the most important thing to me. 

It is the third day of summer break. Just the third. I can do this. I can make it through the summer break..... I just need to keep everyone alive. How hard can that be? Cue the Toddler being awake at any point this may be harder than I thought. 

The Toddler, the invincible 

Mom Bod.

I had sushi tonight... because sushi is life. Duh.... 

I am sitting here, changed out of my loose romper into my roomier elastic band shorts and man shirt..... and I need to talk about what is happening. It is insane how much this happens.... it IS an epidemic and it is NOT our faults. It's those damn kids we had.... literally stop judging me.... they are perfect and wonderful and I don't regret having them for a single millisecond BUT they change things. They change a lot of things. 

So lets get deep into what happens... I want to break this reality wide open. But, I swear, if I end up being the only one going through this, I am going to be so pissed, because then it isn't mom bod-it is just my bod.... and if that is the case then just lie to me, please:

1. I had two c-sections, not by choice but because my hip bones are viced together like two codependent lovers with trust issues.... I tried all natural labor for 52 hours with Mini and I dilated 1 cm at 42 weeks and almost had a stroke, your girl tried. Rushed into an emergency c-section, they numbed the wrong part of my body, I felt them cutting me open, I almost broke my teeth chattering etc.... yeah I earned that kid.... but the doctors in Florida are bosses and they stitch your belly tight and right-apparently that isn't required in Indiana....... rude. 

*I found that out second kid in, and now I am sitting here with Zorro's signature etched into my skin between my puffin and my belly button. The great thing about the top notch stick work is that this has created a shelf I keep all of our fine china on. Thanks to my Gyno, Thanksgiving has some fancy pieces I keep tucked in my Spanx for safe keeping-don't worry they won't be budging off my shelf... I'm a professional at skin packing. Speaking of...........

2. I remember many, many years ago this thing.... the name eludes me most days. I don't know if I am the only one that knows it only as just a very faint memory..... it's that thing called, if I remember correctly, skin elasticity? Yes, that's it. I used to have that! I am sure of it, but BABES where did it go? Like, she gone. She bye Felicia'd me a long time ago. I have to tuck this skin in everywhere. I am losing places to put it... I've only got so many pockets in these overalls.....I have gained some new skills thanks to high waisted shorts.... thanks to duck tape.... thanks to Youtube.... it takes a village to find places for all these folds.... But those skin rolls do come in handy for nights like tonight=

3. Because as I sit here, the sodium and carbs have created the CUTEST baby belly ever.... [not pregnant with anything but emotions]

4. Moving on, who else finds those boob stretchmarks unnecessary? Just me? No? I mean I have rocked butt stretchmarks since I was 11, because I'm a damn giant so obviously I got my Tiger stripes early. BUT did I need to add them 20 years later to every other surface of my body? DID I? I didn't need to but y'all my body is an overachiever.... now I know where my kids get it. 

Last but certainly not least....

5. You know the last unexpected gift I received from my post baby bod? Moments after my first was born, they actually showing up on my face and I was gifted with not one but two... Those really awesome black rings- you know the ones right under your bloodshot eyes providing proof of the next 18 years of exhaustion you have embarked on. But to non-parents it just looks like I have ridden the back of a dragon who has just risen from the flames of the 7th realm of hell to carry me off to my sacrifice every single morning only to return me once again at night during 'bed time'. No, I am not sick.... No, I am not hungover, No, the Toddler didn't break my nose again...... I'm a MOTHER.... ok? These are mother eyes... or is it also, just me? Is it? Oh god.... am I the only mess? 

Crap.

Ok.... maybe this is just a 'me' thing, but as I am rubbing my baby sushi belly-I just needed to talk about it, because.... I'm on this struggle bus some days and I hope I'm not the only one.... 

I hope you all stay cool today! Happy Sunday. 

Living my best life. 

What have you done to my baby?

I just got home you guys. It is 10:30 PM and I just got home... No, wasn't doing anything cool (I didn't make it to the gym till 8) -it was just a long day of stuff I had to do. And mama is tired, but-I am not not going to write just because I'm tired.

So, today I spent a little over two and a half hours detailing my car.... I don't know why, but I felt like it needed to happen before Summer break and I'm to cheap to pay someone else to do it [not true, I would love to pay someone to do it but I really am trying to lose those last 40 pounds I gained 40 pounds ago, so I'm staying active-ish]

I also took my car to the shop, found out nothing was wrong- she just a mess, I can totally relate.


AND then, you guys, I had to take Dax to the groomers. I knew this day was coming for a little over a week, but I still wasn't prepared. He's literally my third baby. He gets me, he snuggles me, he's my boo boo. I don't like him being unhappy and he has HORRIBLE separation anxiety when he sees me leaving him anywhere.... even to go pee [he got stuck in our small bathroom one time because he insisted that I let him come in... it was traumatic for both of us.]

I brought him into the groomers, he met them and then was ready to leave.... and that broke my heart but I knew it was time for this to happen, my baby has been a hot mess for about a month thanks to the weather insanity and his love for mud. We hugged his head hugs are the best and then I begrudgingly walked home... worried about him and the fact they informed me they HAD to shave him.... he's never been shaved. I didn't want him to be shaved. I was worried about his pride.... and mine. Just being honest.

4 hours went by and I got the call... the call I had been waiting for, for 4 hours.

He was ready to come home..... I made it to the store front, I'm not going to lie I was really afraid. I was actually emotional, expecting him to maybe be embarrassed of his new look.... I had spent a really stressful day with our snake who is having some shedding issues and I assume will have to go to the vet next week because she is acting a mess.... so I just had like, a lot going on y'all. Also, I realize full well that I have way to many animals and it probably makes me more of a hermit than I need to be... but they need me.... they do. And they gots the drama just like the rest of us... *I should probably leave the house more, talk to some adults, talk less to my animals... I get it*

As I enter the door this freaking poodle knocks into me.... and I was not amused..............................................................................................................................................................................................until I realized that it was not a damn poodle... it was my head hugging Great Pyrenees and he looks like a skinny, still very freaking heavy, poodle. He had a scarf on, he smelled good, and he is so damn soft now..... but I was in shock..... I AM in shock.

I promise I don't love him any less, but I don't know if I'll be walking him as much for the next few.... months till he fills out a bit. For his sake, obviously. *looks up furry costumes for Great Pyrenees dogs..... tries to glue faux fur rug to the poodle, still looks like a poodle...*

So I guess all that is left to do is show you guys what I am working with..................

Before... my normal boo bear 

After... pray for us

Things that make you go 'Ew'

Want to know the fastest way for me to LOATH you? 

Do you?

Here it is: 

PSA; Eating your damn food while talking on your Instagram stories..... Honestly, who do you think you are? That you're cute enough to get away with, literally, the most disgusting habit ever. You aren't cute, you should have learned how to chew with your mouth closed at two... like BOTH of my children. It can ruin a full hour of my day... so please, close your mouth... take the two seconds to swallow before you start filming your dog dancing, or your kid reciting Edger Allan Poe, or an update of your booty gains. Please. Thank you. God bless. 

Ok, I won't loath you but I will judge you. Promise.

As I am sitting here, getting ready for the day-cleaning up last nights mayhem.... trying to figure out dinner-something crock pot related since tonight is Mini's musical..... I get a phone call, 'Mrs. Smith... this is Mini's teacher, she forgot her tambourine do you mind bringing it to school?' 

It's 8 AM, first of all I didn't OK the tambourine coming home in the first place.... second of all-if I bring it back to school it better stay there. And third, do you guys want a Toddler to help rehearse? Because he's free.

Speaking of the Toddler, he just graced me with his present for a snack... not to see me, just because he needs a snack while he builds Lego towers upstairs. But in true him form he has dressed himself.... in checker sweat pants and suspenders... because how else would you wear suspenders? He says he wants to be a doctor but he definitely could make it as an influencer if that back fires.... [if you detect sarcasm I think we just became best friends]

 Anywhoooo....

I think I am finally forgiving the chopping I had to witness this morning VIA social media.... I'm recovered. I can finally have a peaceful day, delivering tambourines, picking up musical dresses and flowers and bread [unrelated, we just need bread]......

I hope y'all have a beautiful Tuesday! 

Fact: Tambourines don't have a mute button....and that is awful.

Hello again old friend... Monday.

You guys... I am so sorry... I'm a day late but now not a post short. 

Do you ever have those days where you know it is just... not going to happen?

Yesterday was one of those days for me.... I wrote three posts, and none of them seemed right. 

[So they are saved for a different day.... maybe]

I am sitting here in a dark-ish kitchen, by choice.... some may call it hiding silently because your kids are both playing nicely in their own rooms and you're afraid to breath. Others may call it 'relaxing'.

I grilled some turkey burgers and now have them slathered in Hooters sauce and Sweet Baby Ray's, because I'm disgusting. Today I spent the day deep cleaning, which lasted about two hours into Mini being home and the Toddler waking up from his nap... my house is now destroyed again, I'm really sorry you missed it. 

Still, I managed to take the dog for a walk, so that was a win.... the Toddler shit on me about an hour ago-so that was fun. Got an AARP magazine in the mail which was a little sting to the ego, it's like they know it's almost my birthday and they needed to get their jabs in. They were successful.... 

But you guys, it's almost 7 pm here which is super close to 8:30-a movie length worth of time... and I really am praying that I am not pooped on in between now and then. Miracles can happen. They can.

Does anyone else feel like May is just a mess after you have school aged kids? Like, May is a rush and just packed full of craziness and then.... JUNE happens and you miss May's craziness? I feel that way more and more every year. So, I decided to fight against it this year...... Mini is not going to be in 9 camps like she was last year. The Toddler won't be doing sports this summer. And I will be drinking margaritas while watching them play outside whenever I deem it acceptable and give literally no shits. maybe a few but nothing a margarita can't handle.

I hope your Monday went by as fast as happy hour on a Wednesday..... I hope you too found your hiding spot while the kids played at some point.... and I hope your Tuesday doesn't make you wish it was Friday-I'll see you guys on tomorrows post!! 

The Poop Monster.

Who do you think YOU are?

You guys.... It just hit me like a ton of bricks. I... am going to have a fifth grader this year. 

I may cry [I always cry these days so that may is a definite] I'm not ready. SHE'S STILL A BABY.

Now the Toddler can go to school tomorrow, I'm fine with that.... He needs it, but Mini.... she can't. She needs to just stop growing. She looks like a damn adult, and I AM NOT HERE FOR IT. 

She is still so 'kid' in so many areas, but I want to make sure that I am preparing her the best I can... and also making as many memories as I can with her. I don't know if you know this... but parenting, you guys, it is no joke. It is so fun, hard, scary, sad, and in the midst of those feelings YOU have to be the adult?? These poor kids have US as their sounding board, their strength... Their EXAMPLE of what to be/how to be when they grow up.... and I'm sorry but most of us are shit shows. 

Real Talk: Who reading this thinks, 'I've got my shit together.... you're wrong!' Well my friends, who ever thinks that is a narcissist.... so I feel bad for your children. Anyone that has a pebble of a brain realizes we are not equipped to do this. We aren't. I don't care what book you read.... what your pastor told you... what your psychic saw in your reading.... You don't know a damn thing. You are helping create a person, and you only have 18 years [if you are lucky] and then you send that prototype out... no redo's, no fixies, just PLOP here is a human. 

You can teach them so much, but what are you doing? I fail every single day as a parent. I know I do. I feel it in my heart, how disappointed I am in situations. I hate it, and no this isn't a woe is me post... it's just my reality. I want to treat my babies the way I want them to treat their future babies. And I am a big work in progress.... I could use the time. But in parenting there is never enough time.

So, now.... I'm going to be raising a fifth grader. She is going to be 11 this year. I have only SEVEN years left to help her be equipped for adulthood. For college. For student loans. For a savings account. For taxes. For housing. For...... for not needing me in the capacity that we both have grown so accustom too. For not needing me to pack her lunch. For not needing me to check her calendar. For not needing me to order her 'must need' limited edition tennis shoes for gym. For not needing me to folder her laundry.... and I know, I want her to not need me-it's healthy-but the codependent weirdo in me wants her to need me forever. I guess that is parenting, isn't it? 

Of course all the feels hit when I go to student success night at her school... I see how much she has done, how much she has progressed, her accolades on the walls and halls and class room and it just stings. Like a shooting pain in my heart, she is growing up.... and what all does she still need from me, to be prepared? 

I need to be more... to do more... to show more... but tonight, I just hugged her a little bit more than usual... kissed on her a little bit more.... let her drink sparkling grapefruit juice out of a wine glass.... may have let her have two desserts... and let her stay up a little bit past her normal bed time, because she's still my baby for another 7 years-and that means something. 

Can you all do me a favor tomorrow? Can you just hug your babies, extra long tomorrow... and if you don't have your own- hug your besties/siblings/cousins etc babies instead. They all need it, and so do you. 

Happy late Thursday! 

I grew them.

Hello, My Name Is.....

Today I though maybe we should..... get to know me better?

Ew, honestly I just threw up a little bit thinking about how obnoxious that sounds.... but I know some of you may not know the chick behind the blog... so I'm going to share... I'm sorry ahead of time. 

Ten random, pointless facts about myself: 

1. I was and am still super nerdy. I totally own it, being my true nerdy self makes me feel safe and at home. [this combined with my insane social anxiety end up clashing many, many times over... but when I feel safe enough around someone to let my nerd flag fly... I'm in utopia]

2. So I guess, my social anxiety is a thing... I love blogging because if I embarrass myself on here, I don't have to see your reaction. After my brother died, my social anxiety really blossomed into what it is now. He was always my 'security blanket', he would always be beside me, and would kind of throw me into meeting people.... and some of my favorite people came from him doing that.... and for that- I will be eternally grateful. [If you never had the chance to meet him, you missed out... he was the best. ever. period]

3. I own 12 grey oversized v-neck [with the side pocket] t-shirts..... I wish I had more. I own dresses and fancy crap... but every time I don't know what to wear, they magically end up on my body.... and I'm here for it. 

4. My kids are my actual life, I am beyond worried about what I'm going to do with myself when they graduate.... high school. I have been tempted on more that one occasion to have more children, just so that I don't have to worry about being empty nesting for another 5 years after the Toddler graduates.... and by then Mini could maybe be having my grandchildren... which would save me from myself.... lord help my children..... they mama is cray.

-I will say this: if they both don't fully pursue their dreams and fly this crazy coop as soon as they can, to be whatever they decide to be, I will shove them out the door myself. But I will be there every step of the way, continuously so stinking proud of them, and I cannot wait for that time of life. but please go slow. I want to love every moment of each of their lives... they are magic. 

5. I LOVE fashion. When I was 17 I was accepted into FIT in New York.... based solely off my essay I wrote *thanks to my almost unhealthy obsession with Narciso Rodriguez*.... I didn't go thanks to many sources deterring me. I, to this day, regret listening to those not encouraging my dreams... Thanks to reflection and time I have worked through understandable resentment, and really honed into my forgiveness skills. *Jesus took that wheel*

6. I bake like a boss. Just, I do. You want a cheesecake? DONE. You want creme brulee? Mine is about 100x better than any crap you're getting around town. I'm pretty self depreciating in most areas of my life [working on it] but when it comes to baking, I'll make your sweet tooth happy AF.

7. I feel guilty about everything... my family has always joked about my 'catholic' guilt... since I'm not catholic. There's a joke in there somewhere......

8. I had a VERY short lived music, moment? Myspace. Three songs. Was contacted by a few labels... I thought I was epic at the time [I WAS NOT].... my dad told me not to pursue it because it would hurt my brothers feelings. And NO you cannot google me, I didn't use my name... THANK GOD. 

9. I spent most of my Summer, Winter, Spring breaks in Michigan... Petoskey. With some of my favorite people. They made me.... I had so many first of my life there. Some of my best moments, most of my best moments before 18, were there. They still are everything in my heart. If you haven't been, go. Everything is so clear and calm there. You won't regret it. 

Finally, I am done rambling your eyes off with beyond stupid, lame 'ten things about me' that really no one cares about but I still did because I'm basic. After this last one:

10. I'm just a really awkward introvert, who is spending her life trying to figure out how to grieve my [brother] best friend forever [he passed away in 2013], trying to not completely be a hermit, be a good mom, friend, wife, daughter, and still find who I am..... And for that I am so sorry, y'all... you are here for this mess. Thank you for reading, I'm not kidding... it means more than you know. 

Happy Tuesday boo thangs. You're all the real MVPs.

12/13 years ago me.... Yes. #emogirl

Slow Down, Please.

Today was Mother's Day.

And it was perfect. Not in that cheesy, lame Facebook post way. It was perfect for me. And, I mean, isn't that what actually matters? 

I slept in, then when I woke up I was able to get ready for TWO hours-in an empty house. After slathering myself with makeup, I was hugged and loved and given gifts and taken to my favorite brunch spot ever. EVER. I devored all the brisket and bacon lardon topped pizza. Took a walk to the park, and finished off the day with a serenading Toddler. I am now sitting with my feet up, relaxing [I am watching the neighbor also a mom around my age mow her yard.... as her husband plays with their kid I loudly whispered to her from the comfort of my couch, 'you're doing it wrong' and then continued to sit on my butt... because I'm doing it right]

As I sit here, I am overwhelmed with feelings. I wanted to share with you all.... because... I can?

It is so hard, as a mom, to watch my kids grow up so damn fast. I want to freeze every moment. Even the crazy, insane sleepless moments, the silly moments, the stressful moments, the anxious moments, in all these moments I find myself still praying that the time slows down. Over the past year the biggest thing I have found myself repeating over and over again is, 'slow down'. Everything is so fast and busy, we are a generation of expediting and instant gratification.... and I don't want to participate in that anymore. The more I slow down, the more I think about what fills my heart- I embrace a much slower pace, whenever I am able too. I want to sit and do nothing sometimes, just because I can, just because it makes me feel at peace. I want to remember these moments, watching my kids laugh together, watch them be small still, watch them figure out day by day who they want to be when they grow up. I don't want to only remember rushing them from 'thing' to 'thing' or just the big moments in their lives... I want to remember the giggles, the hugs, the quiet moments... I want to remember the way that they sleep or the way that they imagine together. I want to capture so many moments that I am afraid some day will be forgotten.... We spend all this time raising them, we deserve to love as many moments as we can of it. Capture and savor as much as we can. Please babies, slow down. 

This is my heart, my souls desire. And then just like that I am brought back to mom-ality [mom reality] and I find myself laughing my butt off as we all cheer very, VERY loudly for the Toddler who just took a grown man sized poop on the potty.... and even that, I want to remember. These learning and growing moments together. 

I'm beyond thankful to be their mom, and I am blessed with how much they love me and love being my babies..... I will never understand how I was given such an amazing gift X2 but I will always thank God for my place in their lives. 

I hope you all had a wonderful day, but my heart goes out to those that are struggling to conceive, struggling to adopt, have lost their own babies, have lost their mommy's- those that are grieving something today that no one understands. My heart is with you, and I am sending you so much of my love and prayers.

“To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow.” – Maya Angelou

Yo Mama's Day

Mother's Day.....

It's a day, huh?

I don't like the focus to be just on me, I want it to be collectively on just having fun-for all of us. When you have a toddler who doesn't know if he's going to be happy or angry that day, that sometimes messes up that plan.

I don't need to do any special, just maybe sleep in... just maybe not have to ask anyone to stop fighting, just maybe let me eat pizza in bed without a bra on while watching reality TV. [which I haven't watch in 5 months.... I'm struggling]

--------------

You guys, my toddler is terrified of pooping on the potty. He's been crying for the past 5 minutes because it started to happen and took him by surprise.... I just want to know, does it get better? Will he ever be potty trained? Will I survive? I'm really not sure. 

I think that there should be a support group for potty training strong willed boys. It's a scary situation and I'm not sure who has cried more during this process... and we are no closer than we were LAST YEAR when I started this. 

I do not understand....

I do not get how anyone would want to sit in their own shit. 

That. Sounds. Awful. 

But I guess he likes gross things. 

Yep, I'm judging my toddler. Full judgement. 

[three hours laps, cleaning house, facetiming, phone calls, work]

Oh. My. GOSH. 

You guys. He just went on the potty. 3 hours but he did it! 

Today's going to be a good day!

Before I head off today I wanted to share with you all a few Mother's Day gift ideas, just in case you needed some inspo (click the links):

 A cute necklace

Or maybe a bracelet

Bomb brunch... this it on my list

THE BEST cookies ever, ships anywhere

Chocolate covered strawberries= life

A gift that keeps on giving

Or a personalized gift full of memories!

Or a session to memorialize your love for your mama!!

Happy Thursday, Babes!