Who do you think YOU are?

You guys.... It just hit me like a ton of bricks. I... am going to have a fifth grader this year. 

I may cry [I always cry these days so that may is a definite] I'm not ready. SHE'S STILL A BABY.

Now the Toddler can go to school tomorrow, I'm fine with that.... He needs it, but Mini.... she can't. She needs to just stop growing. She looks like a damn adult, and I AM NOT HERE FOR IT. 

She is still so 'kid' in so many areas, but I want to make sure that I am preparing her the best I can... and also making as many memories as I can with her. I don't know if you know this... but parenting, you guys, it is no joke. It is so fun, hard, scary, sad, and in the midst of those feelings YOU have to be the adult?? These poor kids have US as their sounding board, their strength... Their EXAMPLE of what to be/how to be when they grow up.... and I'm sorry but most of us are shit shows. 

Real Talk: Who reading this thinks, 'I've got my shit together.... you're wrong!' Well my friends, who ever thinks that is a narcissist.... so I feel bad for your children. Anyone that has a pebble of a brain realizes we are not equipped to do this. We aren't. I don't care what book you read.... what your pastor told you... what your psychic saw in your reading.... You don't know a damn thing. You are helping create a person, and you only have 18 years [if you are lucky] and then you send that prototype out... no redo's, no fixies, just PLOP here is a human. 

You can teach them so much, but what are you doing? I fail every single day as a parent. I know I do. I feel it in my heart, how disappointed I am in situations. I hate it, and no this isn't a woe is me post... it's just my reality. I want to treat my babies the way I want them to treat their future babies. And I am a big work in progress.... I could use the time. But in parenting there is never enough time.

So, now.... I'm going to be raising a fifth grader. She is going to be 11 this year. I have only SEVEN years left to help her be equipped for adulthood. For college. For student loans. For a savings account. For taxes. For housing. For...... for not needing me in the capacity that we both have grown so accustom too. For not needing me to pack her lunch. For not needing me to check her calendar. For not needing me to order her 'must need' limited edition tennis shoes for gym. For not needing me to folder her laundry.... and I know, I want her to not need me-it's healthy-but the codependent weirdo in me wants her to need me forever. I guess that is parenting, isn't it? 

Of course all the feels hit when I go to student success night at her school... I see how much she has done, how much she has progressed, her accolades on the walls and halls and class room and it just stings. Like a shooting pain in my heart, she is growing up.... and what all does she still need from me, to be prepared? 

I need to be more... to do more... to show more... but tonight, I just hugged her a little bit more than usual... kissed on her a little bit more.... let her drink sparkling grapefruit juice out of a wine glass.... may have let her have two desserts... and let her stay up a little bit past her normal bed time, because she's still my baby for another 7 years-and that means something. 

Can you all do me a favor tomorrow? Can you just hug your babies, extra long tomorrow... and if you don't have your own- hug your besties/siblings/cousins etc babies instead. They all need it, and so do you. 

Happy late Thursday! 

I grew them.