Downton Abbey, Rant.

So Happy Freak'n Friday.

Not happy.

Not at all.

My whole day has been ruined. 

Thanks a lot for asking, yes I am going to tell you why. 

Downton Abbey. My love. My heart. My soul. 

I have been watching every show religiously through the season to catch up and last night I watched season 3 finale. 

I'm mad.

I'm angry.

I'm even a little hangry. (look it up dumby.... sorry that's the hangry talking) 

I'm done.

I have worked through deaths of hot guys, sisters. False imprisonment. Sexual harassment. Heart break. Prostitution. Parties. Broken ovens. Stealing. Lying. And a freaking war! But this....this finale was uncalled for. You took away my main man. My love. You took my feelings and washed them down the drain. And I hate you for it. Thanks for nothing. You suck, Downton Abbey. You suck. 

So thanks for ruining my weekend. My heart. And some of my future aspirations. 

Not. 

You had my heart...and you broke it. 

Sorry about that.

I took a mini vaca. From you guys. And I'm sorry. But the stress of having to perform was just getting to be too much to handle. I was having night sweats. I was crying in my sleep. I had nightmares that there were giant letters trying to attack me. I had to take a step back. And it was intense. And it was awesome. But then something happened. I started to miss you all. I started to miss your scent. I felt as though....'I was in glass cage of emotion!!!'

So, I'm back. I hope you unhealthily missed me as much as I did you. And it's Thursday to boot. Which means we are just one day closer to the weekend. And I love that. So. Very. Much. But something has been disturbing me, and I wanted to share it with you. My birthday is coming up. In just under two weeks. And I have decided to make it less horrible than the last. There will be no crying. (In public) There will be no temper tantrums (You're welcome mom). And there will be no kicking or screaming (You're welcome EVERYONE).

Here is what I'm going to do instead. In picture form:

1. I will probably stuff my face. A lot. Like this:
      

2.Then I'll probably dry cry...that's allowed, right?

3.Then... I'll try to hide from reality. It might work. Hush yourself.

4.Then this will definitely happen....whatever this is:

 

5. Then I'll find a puddle. And bury myself in it. Just like this:

6. Then I'm going to get a tattoo that I INSTANTLY regret:

7. Then this will happen. Probably for the rest of the day. Helmet INCLUDED:

8. I might allow ONE. SINGLE. TEAR. to fall from my face. Because it is my party, I'll cry if I wanna!

9.

10. Then I'll finish the day like this: While looking at pictures of cats like this: (SNUGGLES) (SLEEP) (SUCCESS)

So that's what you mean?

So I am all about finding the deeper meaning in life, and I really think that there is always something past what some is saying, there is a meaning behind their words. So today, though it was supposed to be yesterday, I am reviewing some well known rap lyrics to see what their real meaning is. I'm sorry ahead of time. Your mind will probably be blown. You're welcome.

1. Ego by Beyonce: "Ego so big you must admit I got every reason to feel like I'm that bitch Ego so strong, you ain't know? I don't need no beat, I can sing it with piano..."

I really tried to grab at what Beyonce was trying to say here, this is what I think she is saying: She's has strong feelings towards confidence and women's empowerment while still maintaining her femininity. 

2. Beez In the Trap by Nicki Minaj: "Okay now Nicki Nicki Nicki, put it in your kidney Got a new LS 450, ain't no keys in this do-hicky If I weren't rappin' I be trappin' If I weren't trappin' I be pimpin' If weren't pimpin' I be gettin' it, period"

Oh Nicki, she is so deep, even spiritual at times I feel. What I'm reading into this: She's kind of like the Pope...and she knows it. And really she just wants us to know it too. 

3. Bugatti by Ace Hood: "I woke up in a new Bugatti I woke up in a new Bugatti I woke up in a new Bugatti I woke up in a new Bugatti I woke up in a new Bugatti"

Ace Hood is direct, I'll give him that.... His message? He just wants to have a few friends, he just wants to get from point A to point B. Also, when he was a small child he got  in a fist fight with a cat....and the cat one. And now he is trying to get past his rational fear of felines and find his inner peace that was lost so long ago. Bugatti was the cats name. 

4. Rubber Band Man by T.I.: "Grand Hustle man Mo hustles than hustle man. But why the rubber band? It representing the struggle man. My folk gonna trap until they come up wit another plan Stack and crumble bread to get theyself off they mama land."

T.I. has legit street cred. He's letting you know it too: He's had a rough life the past few years, probably due to the fact that he is living in a gated hood of Beverly Hills and it was hard, but he got past his issues with having a butler and nanny and chef and gardener and mixologist and was able to make this song. And he likes rubber-bands. Durh. 

5. Made In America by Kanye West: "I pledge allegiance, uh, to my Grandma For that banana pudding, our piece of Americana Our apple pie was supplied through Arm & Hammer Straight out the kitchen, shh don't wake Nana! Built a republic, that still stands I'm trying to lead a nation, to leave to my little man's Or my daughter, so I'm boiling this water The scales was lopsided, I'm just restoring order Hold up, here comes grandma, what's up YaYa?"

We all know that Kanye is a household favorite, his lyrics tell a story something usually completely appropriate for children and prudes alike to enjoy. Usually while sitting around a campfire drinking hot chocolate... his words are a real conversation starter. Just like his face. And his calm demeanor. And his logical way of handling his feelings. This song is just another example, he likes singing about his YaYa....and her awesome baking skills. Touche K.W Touche. 

6. Gotta Have It by Jay Z: "Hello, hello, hello, White America, assassinate my character Money matrimony, yeah, they tryna break the marriage up Who gon’ act phonier? Who gon’ try to embarrass ya? I’ma need a day off, I think I’ll call Ferris up"

Jay Z is letting us know a few things here: He's color blind. He has a love child. He likes watching cheesy 90's movies and he likes to keep things chill. His idea of a good day is a day without cold weather and without having to listen to his wifie sing Ego. 

7. Clap Clap by Lil Kim: "Clap, clap, I think they need a round of applause, Clap, clap, I think they need a round of applause, Clap, clap, I think they need a round of applause, Clap, clap, I think they need a round of applause!"

I've always thought of Lil Kim as a type of unappreciated theologian of our generation. She wanted to bring attention to the drought and issues that we have had in the US of A the past few years with apple orchards and harvests.... Who knew she was so considerate? I did. 

8. Just Lose It by Eminem: "Now everyone report to the dance floor To the dance floor, to the dance floor Now everyone report to the dance floor Alright Stop!.....Pajama time"

Eminem is probably one of my first loves. When I lived on the farm down in James Town we used to get a weekly 'Entertainment' magazine of sorts and one day his face showed up on it, and I was never the same. Ever. That face..... anyway, WOAH I just got side tracked. Oops. But he did lose me on this a bit. I get that he's tired but let's be honest. Talking about about PJ's in a song is just a little excessive. Go to bed Eminem and right these lyrics again later. 

9. Mr. Carter by Lil Wayne: "To you forever, from me to you I heard somebody say "Judge!" I'm need a suit I'm gonna need a Coupe, I won't need a roof Flyer then Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice I got the flow, I'm tryna see the roof Didn't wear a bulletproof, so I got shot and you can see the proof Blind eyes could look at me and see the truth"

Lil Wayne... once again lyrical poet and sneak, he almost made me miss the meaning behind this with his poetic ingeniousness. He, my friends, has a MAJOR crush on Winona Ryder..... And he's just trying to put himself out there for her. Deep stuff.... deep. 

10. My Chick Bad by Ludacris: "I’m saying my chick bad My chick hood My chick do stuff that your chick wish she could My chick bad, badder than yours My chick do stuff that I can’t even put in words Her swagger don’t stop Her body won’t quit So fool pipe down you ain’t talkin bout shit My chick bad, tell me if you seen her She always bring the racket like Venus and Serena"

And finally the best is for the last. My dear Ludacris, he just wants a nice girl to settle down with. He's sick of the game. He's too twisted up in it all. He wants someone that knows how to make a nice bunt cake and can hang with his grannie from time to time. This song is a cry for help. Love help. And he likes tennis. 

~

Well, there you go my friends. I hope you enjoyed my interpretation of these lyrics...... because I am completely right. Anyway. Sleep deprived Thursday!!!! Yay! 

(Attempted a beauty blog but I was under the weather this week....so next week. I promise. )

How to not pass out.

Well, it's Monday again.... that's always something to not look forward too. Ever. I am starting to resent Sunday's because they end so fast. But here we are....and you know what Monday brings?? Confessions. This week my confession is pretty relevant to the happenings of my day so far: NEEDLES.

I hate shots. I HATE shots. I can't help it, I've always been this way, and we do not mesh well, shots and me.

When I was younger my dad would have to take off work to be able to come with when it was time for me to get a shot because they need someone to hold me down...... I had tendency to kick and/or hit whoever was yielding the needle. There may have been a time when it took more than just one (5) person to hold me down. It was not pleasant. I still have a scar from that episode. No, I'm not joking for dramatic effect it is really there.

This all being said, today I had to get my blood drawn, and I was not excited about it. I tried to sleep through the alarm (Thanks mom for the wake up call). I tried to get stuck in traffic. I tried to do many things to avoid this, but I still made it in time..... and I'm a big girl. (Thought process: I can handle it. Even if I don't want too. Because I may have passed out the past six time's I've had my blood drawn before hand. But I can do this. I am not a child anymore. Even though I really was bummed I had to drive myself there. Because I am a big ole wimp....okay??)

So I made it into the room and did my whole spiel, "I don't do needs well, I may pass out, I promise I will try not to hit you, I cannot promise I won't cry, will you hold me afterwards......" The usual. They were super understanding. They made me lay down, pep talked me, and then it happened. I may have blacked out. I may have woken up to being held in the arms of a very nice German lady singing me Edelweiss..... No big deal.

I survived. I did have to stop a few times to make sure I didn't pass out again on the way home....thank goodness there was a mall, Ulta, and Starbucks on the way home to make sure I was healthy enough to drive.

I guess this was not really a good way to teach you how not to pass out at all, huh? Rather this was just a straight up embarrassing confessional. You're welcome. I think I'll take a nap now.... or just pass out.... or whatever you want to call it....so.... much....blood... loss................

Orange arm. Bloody.

Tan-me-Not.

I don't even know how to start this. But, here it goes. Last night I thought I would be.....frugal. Stupid idea, I know. I decided to put tanning lotion on. But I did this while texting, and blogging, and tweeting and I was not really paying attention to what I was doing....and it shows. 

Sorry I just paused to put my head in my hands and cry softly. 

Why you ask, did I not just wait the nine hours and get sprayed professionally? Because I was stupid. Okay? 

So I woke up this morning and it looked like someone has smeared orange streaky cat poop on my legs. And one arm. And my ankles. And my wrists. And my.... you get the idea. It was bad. It was ridiculous. It was not what I was expecting. 

What to do in this situation? Google what to do? Youtube a solution? Nope.

Panic.

Duh.

So what did I do???

Got a spray tan. ON TOP of the lotion. 

Yep.

Insert comments. Shaking heads. Disbelief. 

So I'm orange.

Less streaky. 

But orange. 

Happy birthday to me. (No, it's not really my birthday)

So the pictures obviously do not do the mess justice but here they are ( The last pictures is after the spray tan) 

In person it is Epically bad. 

Oh and it just gets better. I accidentally spray tanned my palms. Yep! Forgot to put lotion on them. 

My body: Is a orange, streaky, tan lotion smelling mess. Thanks Friday. Thanks for being awful. 

Hope you all have a great day..............

How to survive anything.

I am pretty sure that at some point in your life you have thought, "What would I do if {Fill in the blank}happened?" Don't tell me you haven't thought about it, because you would be lying. Liar. Sorry I didn't mean that. (Yes I did)...

I decided to make a list of things that you always need on hand because: you. just. never. know.

Zombie apocalypse? Check. Family Reunion? Check. Basketball game in overtime? Check. Avalanche? Check. Root Canal? Check. 

Here are my top ten always needed products no matter where you are, in no specific order. (Due to the fact that they are all equally awesome):

1. Icing in a can. You know this cure many things in life. Don't mess....because it doesn't.

2. Mobile WiFi spot. LIFE SAVER.

3. Come on ladies, let's be honest.... we need tweezers. Always. End. Of. Story.

 4. Have you ever spent a night in heels? Fold up shoes are a must....men or women. 

 5. A Machete? You may ask. Ummmm....zombie slasher. 

 6. Here is where it's at. Solar charger. Needed. Always. Especially if you are me. 

 7. Gummy bears were my icing in a can before icing in a can existed. Gummy bears are where it's at. And they never go bad. Fact.

 8. Fire starters. I mean my dance moves are pretty much fire starters, but sometimes not everyone has moves like Jagger (me) so this is a good back up.

9. Coconut Oil. It cures, fixes, and creates everything. Right?

10. And last...but certainly not least. Glitter. Makes the world go round. If you want to knock glitter...GET OFF MY SITE. Sorry, didn't mean to yell, but seriously. Glitter is where it is at. Period. 

There you have it. My top ten list of items needed to survive anything. I hope this has helped you out and inspired you. If not well, you have no imagination and I bet you don't even believe in unicorns or happily ever after. And that is sad. 

Have a great Thursday! (It's almost Friday!!)

Boob-e-trapped.

Stop it. Stop being gross. Yes, I am talking about my boobs, but stop it. This isn't that kind of website. This is a serious topic that I've been wanting to share with you all for sometime and I was not sure how to go about it. So, I waited. But I can't wait anymore. No. Not. Anymore. It must be shared. Here it goes. 

My boob. 

Last week I was getting ready. (Stop it) and I wanted to curl my hair, because I did, ok? And my hair has grown a bit and I wasn't paying all that much attention because I was belting out to this:

And I went to hit the high note (no there isn't a high note, no this was not the song I was really listening too) and my curling iron dislodged from my hair and my hand grasp. At that moment I made a rash, illogical choice to grab my chesticals (It's a word. I made it up. Deal) instead of the curling iron itself and prolonged the burning by doing so. It was awful. I now have battle scars. 

Now I debated putting up a picture. Obviously, I did not want to scar you for life...like I may be if the massive amounts of plastic surgery and therapy do not work properly. But I thought I would give you an image into the mangled remains that are my chesticals. Well, on of them. Be prepared. This is something that you cannot unsee. You have been warned. Oh the carnage. Oh the humanity. Oh the. Boob: 

Gross scar. Note the handle burn. And no this is not inappropriate. Stop being stupid. 

Thinking on Thursday.

I'm really just thinking about Friday right now. I am going on a lovely date with one of my fav cousin's (I love you all equally!!) and we are getting something special done....and I'm excited. It's a surprise. Stop asking. Shhhhh. No. I will not tell you. Yet. End of story.

Moving on you impatient face. I am also thinking about what to get my mom for Mother's Day (It's Sunday! Don't forget!!) Here are a few idea's I have come up with (Mom! No peeking!)

First off, everyone needs a finger fork. DUH. Practical and ninja-like. Total score. 

Next....I mean does it even need to be said?? A Snuggy that also moonlights as a rug?! Genius. Perfection. Great mom gift. 

Talk about practical. THIS is where it is at, if you buy this for your mom, it's like you are doing some of her chores for her....... It's like you are giving her a built in maid. 

Doesn't every mom want to look like Justin Bieber sometimes. 

Every time I go to the restroom..... I think of Katy Perry. So I am sure that Mom does too. We are related after all, why not a visual??

BANANA.BUNKER. That is all (Google it, weirdos)

Chinese Herbs. With Snakes in them. Super cool and I am sure will give her some weird, awesome side effects. You are welcome, Mom. 

This. Picture. 

I thought and I thought and all of these were such amazing options but instead of any of those before this....I decided the best option is a surprise makeover that she has no control over: 

THIS!!!!


You are welcome in advance, Mom! Love you! 

What up, Wednesday?

I don't know what is up.....

So lets do a Makeup/Hair update?? Ok!!

Here is what I did to my hair this weekend, I added highlights to create the 'ombre' effect, after getting shotty work at Mario Tricoci (That story is for another time)....

I love it. (Note EPIC shades ;))

Here are my makeup favorites (Drugstore version at the moment) Click on the items to take you to the items!

Today I am rocking an awesome dress from ASOS.COM and my makeup from above, here is what they look like on me.....

Happy Wednesday!

Work.

So many people ask me what I do for a living that I decided I would blog about it and then send them here when they needed an explanation. Here it is.

What I really do: Senior Data Migration Technician and International Accounts Manager. (BORING)

What I tell people I do:

It all started out about five years ago. I was swimming in the Nile and discovered a new snake species. It was an amazing moment for me personally and professionally. Since I am a trained snake charmer I was able to lull the majestic creature into a trans long enough for me to cradle it to the safety of my lab.Once there I passed on the work to my assistants, because at that moment I realized though this was a large move in my career I was not pursuing my real dream.... I wanted to be lightweight boxing champion. So I spent the next 18 months training for my first dance in the ring. After those 18 months I was ready.....I was prepared. I not only was ready, but I won every single match I competed in. And then of course I lost interest and realized that was not my true calling either. After a brief visit to see how my research was going in Egypt I finally figured it out..... (This was two years ago) I wanted to be an informant for certain government organization. That is all I can tell you. If I told you more, you would cease to exist. That is all. 

So there you have it. What I do. What I say I do. I know, I know....totally believable. 

This has been the ramblings of a snake charming, boxing champion, and don't you forget it. 

Started from greatness....obviously. 

Monday Confession: Fighting.

I cannot stand fighting. With anyone. I cannot stand hearing people fight. A long time ago my mother taught me the art of, "the silent treatment" and that too scares the crap out of me....It's like fighting with your eyes. It all is just 'too much muchness' is you ask me..... So today with my Monday Confession I am going to help you all learn my ways of avoiding confrontation with style, confidence, and flat out avoidance. 

Top Ten ways to avoid Fighting: 

1. Fake amnesia, the first sure fire way to make people leave you alone is to pretend you don't know anything or that at least you have forgotten it tragically. Then instead of yelling you get sympathy food and gifts....

2. Start singing, "This is the Song that Never Ends".... although that can get pretty annoying so this might actually back fire.....hmmm. 

3. Giggle uncontrollably. They say laughter is the best medicine, right? 

4. Poke the other person with a fluffy pillow until they stop trying to fight and start trying to have a good time... with fluffy pillows? 

5. Pretend you are asleep until they buy it....then go somewhere where everybody knows your name....and they are always glad that you came. 

6. Put Family Guy on TV. I mean, really? How could you not laugh at that show. Takes frowns and turns them upside down. 

7. Start dancing to polka.....or line dance. Can you really be mad at a chick dancing all crazy?? I think not. 

8. Paint your face like a clown... you can make a lot of people confused. Unsure. Scared....... but usually not made with that on your face. 

9. Buy a puppy.

10. Finally.......Just decided to live on an Island by yourself forever and ever. Then you will never have to worry about fighting again! 

Well, I hope that helped you all! Have a great Monday! 

Deuces. Duckfaces.