Day 3 of Summer Break....

It was a dark and stormy night.... actually it was an overcast 90 degree day... and it was the third day of summer break. As I sat pool side, I thought to myself, 'self, it has been a really good three days.... I'm so glad.... it is all going so carefree and fun.' Well, self just done jinxed herself. Idiot.

If you have ever met the Toddler, you know.... he really is his own leader. He is independent, strong willed, a one man show, pushy, demanding, and a big love muffin [did I mention strong willed?] One thing he also is, and it has caused many a grey hair, he is the most accident prone child I have ever met.... I wish the ER just had a tab... because I would have left ours open once he learned how to walk. He is my baby boy and I am so in love with his personality, just like I am with his sisters-BUT he is just like her, in that he is really a character. He just is one of a kind.

Today we went to the pool with his bestie, they decided it was time to take a snack break [the pool makes the kids take a break every hour] and they sat across from each other sharing a massive box of M&M's the Toddler calls them chocolate Skittles and I support that and they each dove into their own snow cones as well. They were finally finishing up with their little picnic when the Toddler shockingly leaned back and fell straight back onto the pavement. I jumped up as it was happening and scooped him up as fast as I could, but I knew it was going to be bad. And honestly, I was terrified for him. 

I tried to stay calm, but I was probably a psychopath.... I own it, head wounds scare the shit out of me. I called his doctors office while holding the 44 pound Toddler sob/screaming in my ear understandably and the idiot on the other line wouldn't let me speak to a nurse, instead she was going to save me... her front desk skills were equipped to judge if my son was OK.... I am not belittling her job, I am saying her advice was a liability for their office, her said advice was crap and ended up being wrong as well. bisch stay in your lane, my son is freaking hurt. 

We made it to the urgent care, I wasn't sure what was going to happen but they were beyond sweet and patient with him. 

The doctor finally made it into the room, and mid-conversation the Toddler, as politely as he could asks, 'Can it be my time to talk yet?' Thank god she had a threenager of her own, and she was so sweet to him.... it was his turn to talk after all.

He had real tears in his eyes, the saddest baby boy face quiver EVER, "Well, my mommy she, she wasn't there... she wasn't there behind me... she should have been behind me but she didn't. And so I fell back because I didn't have my mommy, and if she had been there [big sob sniff here] she would have stopped me from falling, but she wasn't and that was wrong [insert devastating sobbing]"

Well, I'm an asshole. Great. In my defense, I've never had to sit behind him on a bench, but I will be from now on, dang it. 

He has a mild concussion. He has a failure as a mother. He has a nasty looking head wound under his politician hairdo. He has a sister that insisted she could take better care of him the rest of the day. And he will be OK. Which is the most important thing to me. 

It is the third day of summer break. Just the third. I can do this. I can make it through the summer break..... I just need to keep everyone alive. How hard can that be? Cue the Toddler being awake at any point this may be harder than I thought. 

The Toddler, the invincible 

Mom Bod.

I had sushi tonight... because sushi is life. Duh.... 

I am sitting here, changed out of my loose romper into my roomier elastic band shorts and man shirt..... and I need to talk about what is happening. It is insane how much this happens.... it IS an epidemic and it is NOT our faults. It's those damn kids we had.... literally stop judging me.... they are perfect and wonderful and I don't regret having them for a single millisecond BUT they change things. They change a lot of things. 

So lets get deep into what happens... I want to break this reality wide open. But, I swear, if I end up being the only one going through this, I am going to be so pissed, because then it isn't mom bod-it is just my bod.... and if that is the case then just lie to me, please:

1. I had two c-sections, not by choice but because my hip bones are viced together like two codependent lovers with trust issues.... I tried all natural labor for 52 hours with Mini and I dilated 1 cm at 42 weeks and almost had a stroke, your girl tried. Rushed into an emergency c-section, they numbed the wrong part of my body, I felt them cutting me open, I almost broke my teeth chattering etc.... yeah I earned that kid.... but the doctors in Florida are bosses and they stitch your belly tight and right-apparently that isn't required in Indiana....... rude. 

*I found that out second kid in, and now I am sitting here with Zorro's signature etched into my skin between my puffin and my belly button. The great thing about the top notch stick work is that this has created a shelf I keep all of our fine china on. Thanks to my Gyno, Thanksgiving has some fancy pieces I keep tucked in my Spanx for safe keeping-don't worry they won't be budging off my shelf... I'm a professional at skin packing. Speaking of...........

2. I remember many, many years ago this thing.... the name eludes me most days. I don't know if I am the only one that knows it only as just a very faint memory..... it's that thing called, if I remember correctly, skin elasticity? Yes, that's it. I used to have that! I am sure of it, but BABES where did it go? Like, she gone. She bye Felicia'd me a long time ago. I have to tuck this skin in everywhere. I am losing places to put it... I've only got so many pockets in these overalls.....I have gained some new skills thanks to high waisted shorts.... thanks to duck tape.... thanks to Youtube.... it takes a village to find places for all these folds.... But those skin rolls do come in handy for nights like tonight=

3. Because as I sit here, the sodium and carbs have created the CUTEST baby belly ever.... [not pregnant with anything but emotions]

4. Moving on, who else finds those boob stretchmarks unnecessary? Just me? No? I mean I have rocked butt stretchmarks since I was 11, because I'm a damn giant so obviously I got my Tiger stripes early. BUT did I need to add them 20 years later to every other surface of my body? DID I? I didn't need to but y'all my body is an overachiever.... now I know where my kids get it. 

Last but certainly not least....

5. You know the last unexpected gift I received from my post baby bod? Moments after my first was born, they actually showing up on my face and I was gifted with not one but two... Those really awesome black rings- you know the ones right under your bloodshot eyes providing proof of the next 18 years of exhaustion you have embarked on. But to non-parents it just looks like I have ridden the back of a dragon who has just risen from the flames of the 7th realm of hell to carry me off to my sacrifice every single morning only to return me once again at night during 'bed time'. No, I am not sick.... No, I am not hungover, No, the Toddler didn't break my nose again...... I'm a MOTHER.... ok? These are mother eyes... or is it also, just me? Is it? Oh god.... am I the only mess? 

Crap.

Ok.... maybe this is just a 'me' thing, but as I am rubbing my baby sushi belly-I just needed to talk about it, because.... I'm on this struggle bus some days and I hope I'm not the only one.... 

I hope you all stay cool today! Happy Sunday. 

Living my best life. 

What have you done to my baby?

I just got home you guys. It is 10:30 PM and I just got home... No, wasn't doing anything cool (I didn't make it to the gym till 8) -it was just a long day of stuff I had to do. And mama is tired, but-I am not not going to write just because I'm tired.

So, today I spent a little over two and a half hours detailing my car.... I don't know why, but I felt like it needed to happen before Summer break and I'm to cheap to pay someone else to do it [not true, I would love to pay someone to do it but I really am trying to lose those last 40 pounds I gained 40 pounds ago, so I'm staying active-ish]

I also took my car to the shop, found out nothing was wrong- she just a mess, I can totally relate.


AND then, you guys, I had to take Dax to the groomers. I knew this day was coming for a little over a week, but I still wasn't prepared. He's literally my third baby. He gets me, he snuggles me, he's my boo boo. I don't like him being unhappy and he has HORRIBLE separation anxiety when he sees me leaving him anywhere.... even to go pee [he got stuck in our small bathroom one time because he insisted that I let him come in... it was traumatic for both of us.]

I brought him into the groomers, he met them and then was ready to leave.... and that broke my heart but I knew it was time for this to happen, my baby has been a hot mess for about a month thanks to the weather insanity and his love for mud. We hugged his head hugs are the best and then I begrudgingly walked home... worried about him and the fact they informed me they HAD to shave him.... he's never been shaved. I didn't want him to be shaved. I was worried about his pride.... and mine. Just being honest.

4 hours went by and I got the call... the call I had been waiting for, for 4 hours.

He was ready to come home..... I made it to the store front, I'm not going to lie I was really afraid. I was actually emotional, expecting him to maybe be embarrassed of his new look.... I had spent a really stressful day with our snake who is having some shedding issues and I assume will have to go to the vet next week because she is acting a mess.... so I just had like, a lot going on y'all. Also, I realize full well that I have way to many animals and it probably makes me more of a hermit than I need to be... but they need me.... they do. And they gots the drama just like the rest of us... *I should probably leave the house more, talk to some adults, talk less to my animals... I get it*

As I enter the door this freaking poodle knocks into me.... and I was not amused..............................................................................................................................................................................................until I realized that it was not a damn poodle... it was my head hugging Great Pyrenees and he looks like a skinny, still very freaking heavy, poodle. He had a scarf on, he smelled good, and he is so damn soft now..... but I was in shock..... I AM in shock.

I promise I don't love him any less, but I don't know if I'll be walking him as much for the next few.... months till he fills out a bit. For his sake, obviously. *looks up furry costumes for Great Pyrenees dogs..... tries to glue faux fur rug to the poodle, still looks like a poodle...*

So I guess all that is left to do is show you guys what I am working with..................

Before... my normal boo bear 

After... pray for us

Things that make you go 'Ew'

Want to know the fastest way for me to LOATH you? 

Do you?

Here it is: 

PSA; Eating your damn food while talking on your Instagram stories..... Honestly, who do you think you are? That you're cute enough to get away with, literally, the most disgusting habit ever. You aren't cute, you should have learned how to chew with your mouth closed at two... like BOTH of my children. It can ruin a full hour of my day... so please, close your mouth... take the two seconds to swallow before you start filming your dog dancing, or your kid reciting Edger Allan Poe, or an update of your booty gains. Please. Thank you. God bless. 

Ok, I won't loath you but I will judge you. Promise.

As I am sitting here, getting ready for the day-cleaning up last nights mayhem.... trying to figure out dinner-something crock pot related since tonight is Mini's musical..... I get a phone call, 'Mrs. Smith... this is Mini's teacher, she forgot her tambourine do you mind bringing it to school?' 

It's 8 AM, first of all I didn't OK the tambourine coming home in the first place.... second of all-if I bring it back to school it better stay there. And third, do you guys want a Toddler to help rehearse? Because he's free.

Speaking of the Toddler, he just graced me with his present for a snack... not to see me, just because he needs a snack while he builds Lego towers upstairs. But in true him form he has dressed himself.... in checker sweat pants and suspenders... because how else would you wear suspenders? He says he wants to be a doctor but he definitely could make it as an influencer if that back fires.... [if you detect sarcasm I think we just became best friends]

 Anywhoooo....

I think I am finally forgiving the chopping I had to witness this morning VIA social media.... I'm recovered. I can finally have a peaceful day, delivering tambourines, picking up musical dresses and flowers and bread [unrelated, we just need bread]......

I hope y'all have a beautiful Tuesday! 

Fact: Tambourines don't have a mute button....and that is awful.

Hello again old friend... Monday.

You guys... I am so sorry... I'm a day late but now not a post short. 

Do you ever have those days where you know it is just... not going to happen?

Yesterday was one of those days for me.... I wrote three posts, and none of them seemed right. 

[So they are saved for a different day.... maybe]

I am sitting here in a dark-ish kitchen, by choice.... some may call it hiding silently because your kids are both playing nicely in their own rooms and you're afraid to breath. Others may call it 'relaxing'.

I grilled some turkey burgers and now have them slathered in Hooters sauce and Sweet Baby Ray's, because I'm disgusting. Today I spent the day deep cleaning, which lasted about two hours into Mini being home and the Toddler waking up from his nap... my house is now destroyed again, I'm really sorry you missed it. 

Still, I managed to take the dog for a walk, so that was a win.... the Toddler shit on me about an hour ago-so that was fun. Got an AARP magazine in the mail which was a little sting to the ego, it's like they know it's almost my birthday and they needed to get their jabs in. They were successful.... 

But you guys, it's almost 7 pm here which is super close to 8:30-a movie length worth of time... and I really am praying that I am not pooped on in between now and then. Miracles can happen. They can.

Does anyone else feel like May is just a mess after you have school aged kids? Like, May is a rush and just packed full of craziness and then.... JUNE happens and you miss May's craziness? I feel that way more and more every year. So, I decided to fight against it this year...... Mini is not going to be in 9 camps like she was last year. The Toddler won't be doing sports this summer. And I will be drinking margaritas while watching them play outside whenever I deem it acceptable and give literally no shits. maybe a few but nothing a margarita can't handle.

I hope your Monday went by as fast as happy hour on a Wednesday..... I hope you too found your hiding spot while the kids played at some point.... and I hope your Tuesday doesn't make you wish it was Friday-I'll see you guys on tomorrows post!! 

The Poop Monster.

Who do you think YOU are?

You guys.... It just hit me like a ton of bricks. I... am going to have a fifth grader this year. 

I may cry [I always cry these days so that may is a definite] I'm not ready. SHE'S STILL A BABY.

Now the Toddler can go to school tomorrow, I'm fine with that.... He needs it, but Mini.... she can't. She needs to just stop growing. She looks like a damn adult, and I AM NOT HERE FOR IT. 

She is still so 'kid' in so many areas, but I want to make sure that I am preparing her the best I can... and also making as many memories as I can with her. I don't know if you know this... but parenting, you guys, it is no joke. It is so fun, hard, scary, sad, and in the midst of those feelings YOU have to be the adult?? These poor kids have US as their sounding board, their strength... Their EXAMPLE of what to be/how to be when they grow up.... and I'm sorry but most of us are shit shows. 

Real Talk: Who reading this thinks, 'I've got my shit together.... you're wrong!' Well my friends, who ever thinks that is a narcissist.... so I feel bad for your children. Anyone that has a pebble of a brain realizes we are not equipped to do this. We aren't. I don't care what book you read.... what your pastor told you... what your psychic saw in your reading.... You don't know a damn thing. You are helping create a person, and you only have 18 years [if you are lucky] and then you send that prototype out... no redo's, no fixies, just PLOP here is a human. 

You can teach them so much, but what are you doing? I fail every single day as a parent. I know I do. I feel it in my heart, how disappointed I am in situations. I hate it, and no this isn't a woe is me post... it's just my reality. I want to treat my babies the way I want them to treat their future babies. And I am a big work in progress.... I could use the time. But in parenting there is never enough time.

So, now.... I'm going to be raising a fifth grader. She is going to be 11 this year. I have only SEVEN years left to help her be equipped for adulthood. For college. For student loans. For a savings account. For taxes. For housing. For...... for not needing me in the capacity that we both have grown so accustom too. For not needing me to pack her lunch. For not needing me to check her calendar. For not needing me to order her 'must need' limited edition tennis shoes for gym. For not needing me to folder her laundry.... and I know, I want her to not need me-it's healthy-but the codependent weirdo in me wants her to need me forever. I guess that is parenting, isn't it? 

Of course all the feels hit when I go to student success night at her school... I see how much she has done, how much she has progressed, her accolades on the walls and halls and class room and it just stings. Like a shooting pain in my heart, she is growing up.... and what all does she still need from me, to be prepared? 

I need to be more... to do more... to show more... but tonight, I just hugged her a little bit more than usual... kissed on her a little bit more.... let her drink sparkling grapefruit juice out of a wine glass.... may have let her have two desserts... and let her stay up a little bit past her normal bed time, because she's still my baby for another 7 years-and that means something. 

Can you all do me a favor tomorrow? Can you just hug your babies, extra long tomorrow... and if you don't have your own- hug your besties/siblings/cousins etc babies instead. They all need it, and so do you. 

Happy late Thursday! 

I grew them.

Hello, My Name Is.....

Today I though maybe we should..... get to know me better?

Ew, honestly I just threw up a little bit thinking about how obnoxious that sounds.... but I know some of you may not know the chick behind the blog... so I'm going to share... I'm sorry ahead of time. 

Ten random, pointless facts about myself: 

1. I was and am still super nerdy. I totally own it, being my true nerdy self makes me feel safe and at home. [this combined with my insane social anxiety end up clashing many, many times over... but when I feel safe enough around someone to let my nerd flag fly... I'm in utopia]

2. So I guess, my social anxiety is a thing... I love blogging because if I embarrass myself on here, I don't have to see your reaction. After my brother died, my social anxiety really blossomed into what it is now. He was always my 'security blanket', he would always be beside me, and would kind of throw me into meeting people.... and some of my favorite people came from him doing that.... and for that- I will be eternally grateful. [If you never had the chance to meet him, you missed out... he was the best. ever. period]

3. I own 12 grey oversized v-neck [with the side pocket] t-shirts..... I wish I had more. I own dresses and fancy crap... but every time I don't know what to wear, they magically end up on my body.... and I'm here for it. 

4. My kids are my actual life, I am beyond worried about what I'm going to do with myself when they graduate.... high school. I have been tempted on more that one occasion to have more children, just so that I don't have to worry about being empty nesting for another 5 years after the Toddler graduates.... and by then Mini could maybe be having my grandchildren... which would save me from myself.... lord help my children..... they mama is cray.

-I will say this: if they both don't fully pursue their dreams and fly this crazy coop as soon as they can, to be whatever they decide to be, I will shove them out the door myself. But I will be there every step of the way, continuously so stinking proud of them, and I cannot wait for that time of life. but please go slow. I want to love every moment of each of their lives... they are magic. 

5. I LOVE fashion. When I was 17 I was accepted into FIT in New York.... based solely off my essay I wrote *thanks to my almost unhealthy obsession with Narciso Rodriguez*.... I didn't go thanks to many sources deterring me. I, to this day, regret listening to those not encouraging my dreams... Thanks to reflection and time I have worked through understandable resentment, and really honed into my forgiveness skills. *Jesus took that wheel*

6. I bake like a boss. Just, I do. You want a cheesecake? DONE. You want creme brulee? Mine is about 100x better than any crap you're getting around town. I'm pretty self depreciating in most areas of my life [working on it] but when it comes to baking, I'll make your sweet tooth happy AF.

7. I feel guilty about everything... my family has always joked about my 'catholic' guilt... since I'm not catholic. There's a joke in there somewhere......

8. I had a VERY short lived music, moment? Myspace. Three songs. Was contacted by a few labels... I thought I was epic at the time [I WAS NOT].... my dad told me not to pursue it because it would hurt my brothers feelings. And NO you cannot google me, I didn't use my name... THANK GOD. 

9. I spent most of my Summer, Winter, Spring breaks in Michigan... Petoskey. With some of my favorite people. They made me.... I had so many first of my life there. Some of my best moments, most of my best moments before 18, were there. They still are everything in my heart. If you haven't been, go. Everything is so clear and calm there. You won't regret it. 

Finally, I am done rambling your eyes off with beyond stupid, lame 'ten things about me' that really no one cares about but I still did because I'm basic. After this last one:

10. I'm just a really awkward introvert, who is spending her life trying to figure out how to grieve my [brother] best friend forever [he passed away in 2013], trying to not completely be a hermit, be a good mom, friend, wife, daughter, and still find who I am..... And for that I am so sorry, y'all... you are here for this mess. Thank you for reading, I'm not kidding... it means more than you know. 

Happy Tuesday boo thangs. You're all the real MVPs.

12/13 years ago me.... Yes. #emogirl