I'm closer to 30 than 20. FACT.

In that time I think I have learned a few things. I probably  have learned less than I would like to admit, but that is beside the point. I do know I've learned a thing or two, or ten. I really feel that it is only fair that I share those things with you... so that you too can be as wise as me. You're welcome. 

1. Abraham Lincoln was super smart. When in doubt Google a quote from him and post it on your social networks... it'll make you look a lot smarter than you actually are:

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."-Abraham Lincoln 

(See! I already seem smarter... don't I? Don't lie to yourself. Stop it. Just admit how smart I seem.) 

2. Bacon cures most everything. Broken hearts. Rashes. Allergies. Hangovers. Sleep deprivation. Swimmers ear. Forest fires... even hunger. 

3. You will, eventually, turn into your mother. Luckily my child is going to just become more awesome when that happens. You're welcome, honey.

4. After 25 your body starts to depreciate, just like a car. Gravity happens, and a lot of other bad things do as well.... that is why God granted us the ability to smear weird creams on, squeeze into weird contraptions to make us look less....saggy, and most importantly, many...many Apps on our iPhones to edit the pictures of us that make us look like versions of ourselves we never have been and never will be. 

5. Barney was a cult. He convinced us that cleaning was fun. That everyone loves everyone. And that all problems could be solved with a song and a hug from a masked man in a dinosaurs costume. Sadly I still feel happy when I see his face... and it remind me the world is a happy place.... when Barney is around. 

6. If you have WebMD you really do not need an actual doctor. You ARE a real doctor with WebMD.

7. All those matching outfits that your parents put you and your siblings in when you were younger.... there was no excuse for that cruelty... but you still will probably do the same thing to your kids. (Character building....right?)

8. When someone asks how you are.... don't tell them. Not all of it. Ain't nobody has time for that. Unless their your best friend. Then lay it on them. But don't be so open. Not everyone deserves that. 

9. You MUST have a theme song for your life. It will make your whole existence worth while, in a way that it wouldn't be without it. If you don't have one stop whatever you're doing and go get one. NOW. Seriously. I'm not joking. Here's mine (Thanks mom for playing this throughout my entire childhood):

10. And finally, I make entirely way too many lists.... and in no way am I upset about that..... it probably will always happen. Sorry. Not Sorry. 

Happy Friday!

I tried dark lips. It worked okay. For a hot second. Then ended up all over my face. #firstworldproblems

Thoughts for Thursday: On my Mind

Sometimes I can have really deep thoughts.... I care deeply about a lot of things. But today is more of a not so deep thoughts sort of a day. Today is a random thoughts sort of a day. So here is what has been on my mind lately. 

1. I really want to know the calorie count for eating just the filing in Oreo cookies.

2. Is she born with it, or is it Maybelline? 

3. Did Tina Turner ever figure out what love had to do with it? 

4. How can I workout without actually working out? 

5. Why is it everything I love becomes hipster and I can't love it anymore (fashion-wise). 

6. Why can't I own a pet sloth? 

7. Why no one else finds it weird that people put Primer on their face before they put their actual makeup on. Primer. It's called primer.... like paint and primer. Am I the only one that sees the correlation? No judgement, just saying.

8. Why no one trusts me to mow my own lawn. 

9. Why Shark Week doesn't happen every week... of the year.

10. Finally, why can't we all just wear these? All day err day.

Yes. I'm serious. They're awesome. Stop judging. 

Happy Thursday! 

How To: Pretend you are listening....

I know, I know this is a horrible how to, but it also is extremely helpful in life. Judge if you may (jerk) but you will eventually end up using this 'how to' when you run into someone that is flat out boring.... dumb... or is just not your cup of tea. (Or if, when they talk, you feel like punching something innocent that is not involved in the annoyances of your life i.e. the person standing in front or near your face.)

Here are a few easy steps to making it through your day without having to listen... to anyone. 

1. Try to look interested... making a face like this:

2. Do this. But not if you're at work. You might get fired:

3. Respond ever 1.4 minutes with.... "Exactly" and then make this face, it makes you look serious enough for them NOT to ask questions: 

4. Avoidance. When they start talking say, "I'm sorry but I have a meeting to go to." And then RUN away.

5. Do this, definitely: 

6. Shush them. 

7. Just hug them. Mid-sentence (you'll have to guess with that one, since you haven't been listening) hug them. Hard. Until it's so unbearably uncomfortable that they make up an excuse to leave.

8. Cry. A lot. Ugly face cry. KIM KARDASHIAN cry. 

9. Start Coughing... and don't stop:

10. Fake fall asleep and/or faint... just like this.

I hope (if you were actually paying attention to what you were reading) that this list has enlightened your worn out ears that are full of the burdens of listening. Life can be a happy, fun place when you're the only one that matters. After all, you're the only one that actually has something important to say, right?

Happy Humpalump Day! 

Oldie but Goodie (Two year Anniversary Post)

It has been two years since the dreaded eyebrow incident of 2011. So in honor of that I decided to pull the original post for my 'Love and Other Stories' blog and post it here for all of you! Enjoy:

~

Houston, we have two problems. They are atop my forehead and they are tricky little buggers.

See here's the thing. I should not be trusted with tweezers. I grew up a tomboy up in trees or in a fort somewhere, and while I've come accustom to makeup and hair brushes (on occasion) I have never been gifted in grooming (facial grooming).

So I sat there for a few moments...stunned you could say....today. I was in front of the mirror. The logical thing to do would have been to cry but I did not cry. I laughed. I laughed for a while before I realized this is a problem. I drove as fast as I could to Wal-mart, spent $20 in cosmetic fix-it hopes...

So I did what every logic grownup woman would do, I sat there and tried every eyebrow type pencil possible. One was too light. One was too liquid-y. One did not show up. One looked too dark, but it was my last hope. I just kept applying and applying...it was a bad idea. Really bad. Though I am sure I am the spitting image of Groucho Marx's twin (from another mother).

Desperate Ideas:

Cover my face up...for weeks.

Or make really weird faces...for weeks.

                           

Could I just pull them off and start over?? Or just apply new ones....

Till then I guess I rather be brow-less...then Groucho. It's going to be a long couple of weeks.



Wha-hair have you been?

Cheesy title much??

I haven't done a makeup/hair update in forever but I have made enough changes this summer to my 'look' to merit an update.... at least I think so.

So here goes. 

This spring I went from my re-virginized hair to an ombre hair look of sorts:

Then I messed it up:

Then I got it fixed: 

Then I got bored and decided to do this to it:

\

I have to say out of them all this is my favorite and I think it's going to stay around for a while (Yes, my hair grew over six inches in like a week....hush yourself). 

 As for makeup, this is what I am wearing above and am really loving right now:

(Click on the items to link up to the product details)

How To: Keep a Girl Happy. Forever.

So this works both ways.... and I guess it could be pretty simple for someone to do if they stick with the normal, "Love them, treat them special, be committed" normal stuff you should do in a relationship.... but obviously that is boring. So, I've come up with some other ways that you will for sure keep that special someone in your life.... FOREVER.

1. Surprise them. All the time:

2. Keep them guessing. 

3. Make matching outfits that you wear in public as much as possible:

4. Show your protective side... especially in pictures:

5. Find common interests and enjoy them together:

6. Help encourage their grooming habits:

7. Make sure that you know how to hang with her friends:

8. Always be ready to party:

9. Make sure they know that you are ALWAYS there for them:

 This works both ways:

10. Help them overcome their fears: 

I don't know why someone else has not already come up with this... but you are welcome. I think that I just saved you a lot of time, pain, and heartache. 

Happy Monday!

(Makeup Tutorial coming later this week)

It's Summer, Don't hate me.

It has been a BUSY summer. Like, can't sit down for fear I might be late, busy.

I have learned a few things this summer that I think are valuable enough to share on this vast interwebfabness of greatness. (Word: created)

1. Make sure that if you take a road trip, the person/people you're road tripping with appreciate what you like to listen too... if they can't belt out Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow Pictures with you.... don't waste your time. The trip will be super lame.

2. If you are going to an outdoor sporting event, take your own kiddy pool.... and sunblock.... and hammock. (I am not 'one with nature' these days apparently)

3. If you put on a morning face mask... make sure to remove it before you leave the house. Like really.... remove that crap.

4. There are no nudist beaches in Indiana. Okay.

5. Starbucks does NOT deliver, even if you try to bribe them.

6. Just because everyone else eats it doesn't mean you need too, thank you 5 new pounds... my hips love you.

7. Youtube does not qualify as 'social' time. But it still is addicting.

8. Crop tops are actually NOT for everyone. Sadly. Not sadly.

9. If you daughter goes to princess camp...it's not an excuse for you to wear a tiara and glitter.... but you can anyway. Chef don't judge...right?

10. And lastly... If you are going to some sort of a fest... make sure its something fun like a 'Winefest' and then take lots of ridiculously awesome pictures... Like this:

So Fancy.