There is no Such Thing as an Inactive Addict.

I don't believe in the inactive addict. Even if they are not using, their brain still functions as an addict... but I want to know more.

Once again I am researching and reading about drug addiction. I feel like it is something that I always come back to... wanting to understand more so I know how to handle addicts more, because once an addict... always an addict. Though they may not abuse drugs they still have the personality and character traits of an addict. 

Every time I research I am reassured, I love being educated. And no matter where I go lately I find that this is something that I am faced with. 

Today I read about the addicts tool belt. No matter if they are 'active' or not, they fall back on certain traits when they are overwhelmed or feel as though they cannot cope with what is going on around them. I have found these traits to all be true when dealing with addicts, no matter their addiction.... 

Addicts try to rationalize what they are doing to cope with life. They focus on deception, if no one asks what they are doing, they aren't really 'lying'. Little do they know or can comprehend, they are lying, they are lying to themselves and those that love them, they are deceiving their loved ones by breaking promises... they are lying to themselves by convincing themselves it's 'ok' to slip up just once... and this leads into the third trait... justification. This one I have witnessed so many times. They try to justify what they are taking, many times I've heard, "Well, this drug isn't as addictive as what I used to take... so it's okay." 

If you have to sneak it.... it's wrong. If you have to do any of these things (coping traits) to make what you are doing feel okay, it's wrong. But to an addict, I feel sometimes they lie so much to themselves that they don't know right and wrong anymore. 

Loving someone like this is just devastating. Because how do you know what else they are lying about? This is something that I am still researching. I feel like it is a different struggle for each loved one, whether a spouse, a parent, a sibling, etc. How do you love past the pain of knowing their limitations. 

In the mean time, knowledge is power and so is unconditional love. And you can always give love. That will never hurt you.

~

“Over time, hidden truths morph in the dark soil of deceit into something much worse.” 

― Patti Callahan Henry

Sunday Morning.

It's almost ten and we have had the perfect Sunday morning.

I've needed this for a while.

I'm content.

Gisele (The Pom) and I are sitting in the dinning room drinking coffee (chewing on a bone) surrounded by Pinterest and a Sephora bag full of goodies to help me get ready for church (we're trying a new one, I think the whole family is glad it doesn't start till 10:45.... we are not early risers on Sunday).

I've gotten to the point in pregnancy that my feet are the size of footballs. I accept this. There's really nothing I can do, I'm like a walking memory foam bed. I have started to refer to myself in third person as, 'THE TANK."

Now Gisele is cleaning the kitchen floor... she's so sweet like that.

Mr. S is power washing the deck... Mini is wandering the back yard.... barefoot and rocking some colorful Hello Kitty Pjs. This time last year we would have definitely not let her wander but I love that we live in the country now, she's pretty free to do whatever she wants. It reminds me of living on the farm when I was a kid. We don't have a farm but it's closer than not.

Mini educated Mr. S on 'My Little Pony' history this morning while he made breakfast.... and before that they played and fed our pet frogs.

Typing all that out and actually thinking about it all cracks me up.... we are very, eclectic.

I feel like our children will either be very sure of themselves or very unclear about life when they become adults.

You live in the country and you're being raised by two people who love fashion (and appreciate man material items) but also love hunting/the outdoors.... and you have pets that range from dog to snake to frogs (and soon chickens and a pygmy goat... Mr. S said no... but he'll change his mind ;)) and we live close enough to Chicago and bigger cities that you really never are stuck 'in the country'. I don't know what that makes our kids.... hopefully they will love it.

I want them to always feel free to get dirty, but clean up nice when they need too. I want them to remember their summers outside. NOT in front of a TV. I want them to use their imagination (I feel like that is being sucked away from kids these days) and I believe that at least out here, with a big yard, and weird entertaining animals and a quiet surrounding they will have the ability to do all that.

I should probably go get ready... but I just had to sit and stop and think for a bit. How different our lives are in just this past year.... and how crazy different they will be by next year. Who know's... maybe I can con Mr. S into a lamb or two.... or maybe a llama? A girl can dream ;)

Talk into my Good Ear.

I am a hot mess.

No really, just a gross mess right now. 

I have a sinus infection. Chest congestion. 'moderate to severe asthma' and a MASSIVE ear infection (I've never had an ear infection... ouch)

So I went to the Dr. and she said that I could probably use over the counter drops for it if I would like and then if that didn't work she would prescribe something.... 

The drops didn't work.

Last night I had warm olive oil Q tips in my ear (Google is going to be the death of me) while eating chicken noodle.... out of a can :( and half trying to hear the TV. 

I am a hot mess.

Stupidly this morning I tried to do it again, got distracted and ended up jamming the Q-tip in my ear. I'm exhausted. It happens. 

So I'm probably going to bleed internally from a ruptured ear drum.

I'm sure that is a logical reaction... right? 

NOW....

As I wait for a call back from my Dr. I officially cannot hear anything... any more... probably ever again.... out of my right ear.

I am looking into getting a hearing ear dog.

It sounds like an ocean with a heart beat constantly....

I am having glimpses of the Shining running through my head...

"All sickness and no hearing make Bethanie a dull boy."

This is my morning.

This, today, is my struggle.

What's the big Deal?

Over the past (almost) year I've been a pretty bad friend. 

A crappy friend. 

I noticed this not to long ago, while crying over a box of Thin Mints. 

No, not hormonal crying. Sad crying. I had just had a heart wrenching conversation with my daughter....

(We have decided to postpone telling her about my brother's passing, no... I don't care what you think. This is our process)

"Mom, what's so great about having a little brother? Do you like having one?"

My stomach dropped. 

In this moment I was mid-text to someone about to make plans to do something and I knew I was not going to make it after the conversation I was going to have to choke back tears through.....

"He will drive you nuts, but he will also be your best friend, he will stand by you no matter what, and at the end of the day when you grow up and are best friends in your teens and adulthood.... he will be the only person that knows sometimes there is nothing left to say after a crappy day.... sometimes after a crappy day you just need a Carmelo and a hug.... and someone to re-watch a Wes Anderson movie with you for the 1000th time. (Okay usually two Carmelo's)."

She looked at me confused.... I knew she wouldn't understand yet. But someday she will.

"Oh. But he's going to steal my toys... and be annoying."

"Yep, he will. But it'll be okay. That's his job. Just think he'll have toys you will probably steal too."

"That's true. Okay I'm going to play with Gisele and watch some My Little Pony."

After she left the room I crumbled a little. Because of everything. And it happens so much. More than I like to acknowledge. Because when I am around people that I love, that I'm friends with and they have that 'sibling' still that is their best friend... I get jealous. I get sad. I get..... overwhelmed. And then I pray they never have to watch a weird movie by themselves.... while being afraid to buy their favorite candy bar... just because it might, just might, hurt so much they'll implode. 

I'm sure it all seems so simple. So dramatic to an, 'outsider'. I hate looking at myself sometimes because I'm embarrassed at what all hurts still. All the simple little things. But they can wreck my day. My week. In the blink of an eye. And I admit I have no control yet over it. Will I ever? Who knows. 

I know it'll get better. Hopefully. And I'm sorry. 

And as the moment gets closer to when Mini will have that little 'bother', I pray she thinks he is as awesome as I know he will be. They could have everything and more if they get passed the 'annoyances' and just embrace being buddies. 

I hate he will never get to begrudgingly hold his nephew.... I can't believe this was almost 7 years ago. 

Substance Abuse.

Eleven years ago I would have skimmed passed that title and really not understood it. Ten years ago I would have understood it, but tried to ignore it. Eight years ago I would have already read the article attached... probably twice.

~

Many times in life we are taken to places we never imagined ourselves going too. We are usually taken to the last place we imagined ourselves being and we are forced to either learn from it or we repeat it over and over again.

That being said, in my life I have made my own choices that led me down paths that I have had to learn from and they were hard. They were invasive. They stretched me. And they eventually made me who I am today, I still am learning from them and healing from them and I am happy to know that in anyone's life there is always room for healing and growth.

But. (there is always a 'but', isn't there?) What has taken me for a ride, sometimes more than my own life choices, and definitely created a deeper constant growing pain in my life over the past decade is the life journey's of those I love around me.

~

Have you ever said, "I love you" and not known if that would be the last time they heard you say it? Or not known if those words had made it past the chemical battle going on in the other persons body? Have you ever looked at someone at 8 AM and been hugged by them and laughed with them... and then eight hours later they are cold, callus and distant? And there is nothing you can do, because you know it's the effects of something that has a much stronger hold on them than anything else in their life. It doesn't change your love for them, but you experience hurt so much deeper than you ever imagined, and they don't even know what you're feeling. They don't know what their choices (past and present) are doing to you. If you know what I'm talking about I want you to know, you are not alone. You are stronger than you think. You are a warrior. And even if they never have the ability to know your love and your hurt, they are so blessed for knowing you and having you in their life. (Even though sometimes the healthiest thing for you to do is not be there, while you are there for whatever time frame... you are an answer to a problem they don't even comprehend).

~

I have learned over the past decade that those who love drug addicts, drug abusers, substance abusers, they are silent warriors. They do not get near enough support and encouragement, and many times you don't even know what they are going through. There are more of them than you can even imagine. They wear a brave face and they try to live their lives, but when their phone rings, their heart races a little. They check police reports. They know the neighborhoods you don't want to go to like the back of their hand. They fall asleep sitting up most nights from exhaustion. They are weary. They are invincible... and most times they feel like they are barely hanging on.

~

I am rambling, but I have a lot on my mind. A lot of people. A lot of heavyhearted thoughts. A lot of love continuously going out to those that have an on going battle against something that took over their bodies long ago... and they need the love, they need the consistency, they need so much more. But it's not always easy. And it breaks your heart. Like a high school breakup, but over and over again, it breaks you. And you pick yourself back up, you wipe your tears, and you march on.... never fully being able to share your pain because it's just...too much.

I have love and have lost and still love many that have faced the ugly face of substance abuse. For some reason my life has taken that path over and over again, and I take it as a sign. After losing my brother, I knew I was meant to be apart of trying to aid in the battle against abuse. I just could not figure out in what capacity. Not until lately did something land on my heart. His heart failed because of years of weakening due to substance issues, but mine became stronger in time standing next to him, holding him, and sometimes even carrying him, 6'5" frame and all. I wasn't going to throw away a decade of research, life experiences, and an over abundance of knowledge because his battle was over, I feel like my battle has just only started.

I am going back to school. I am finishing my degree... but it won't be in finance, it's going to be in substance abuse. I want to arm myself with the education to work with loved one's that love substance abusers and I want to work with the abusers themselves. It is constantly on my heart. I pass someone in the store and I see their eyes, or the way they move their arms, the way they pause... and I know more now than I ever thought I would, and I don't want that to go to waste. I want to at least have the ability to help.

So that is my rambling. That is my heart. That is where I am. As I grieve and process the past decade, I want to arm myself with more knowledge than I ever knew before.

I will keep you all posted from time to time as I move in this new direction, but I am excited to know what my next step is, no matter how long it takes me. I know it won't be in vain.

2008. Love you kid.

33 weeks. (minus one day :))

My second mama and my second set of children (cousins) were in town today. And they forced me to eat unhealthy, fried everything food It was completely against my will... I hated every second of it. 

Seriously...

 So much fried greasy awesomeness.

And there was other real stuff I had to do. 

And then the joyous third trimester sickness/migraine hit. 

So I made my way home.... marinated my chicken (the family still has to eat...darn you migraine pain) and now I am trying to make it through blogging so I don't accidentally fall asleep before dinner is done and Mini goes to bed.... three hours and counting... not that I'm counting... 

I thought I would do a little pregnancy update:

How far along: 33 weeks!

Total weight gain: gained 10 lbs total (two since the fair.... thank you grease)

Maternity clothes: Maxi dresses and yoga pants for life.

Stretch marks: Nothing since Mini. So. Much. Cocoa Butter. But it's working!

Sleep: Ummmmmmm...... nothing for more than two hours at a time. I'm ready for these sleepless nights with Mr. Dallas. 

Best moment of this week: Will be Friday! Normal Dr. appointment, 4D ultrasound appointment, and maybe maternity pictures. It's an ALL baby day!

Miss anything: Wine... Sitting up.... without grunting.... and not having to waddle to get anywhere.

Movement: All day every day. Nonstop.

Food cravings: Ruffles chips. I don't like chips... but apparently my pregnant self does.

Anything making you queasy or sick: It just depends on the day... But it still happens more than not.

Have you started to show yet: Umm.... YES??

Gender: Boy!

Labor signs: Braxton Hicks mostly at night.

Belly button in or out: It finally made it's way out...

Wedding rings on or off: On... until about 8 pm and then it's time to come off and breath :)

Happy or moody most of the time: Happy.. but embarrassed about how tired I am all the time... I hate it. It's so not me, but it takes hold of me everyday any way....

Looking forward to: My baby shower a week from Sunday!

~

only 7 more weeks!

Preggo Problems.

I am so lucky and blessed in so many ways. And I know that, trust me... but right now, I need to vent. 

I am mad my husband hasn't had a day off since June. And that he hasn't worked under 10 hours a day since June. 

I hate that I am so emotional and clingy during this pregnancy... because I am sure it's every mans dream to be climbed on by a bulbous woman who is probably going to cry on you and smoosh you with her massively protruding stomach...boobs... and thighs. 

I hate that I cannot control my massive addiction to carbs this trimester. It is overwhelming. It is a full blown addiction..... they need to lock up carbs for their safety... from me. 

I hate that by 3 pm (noon) I am exhausted, cramping, and half asleep... even if I haven't done anything at all....

I hate that I can't be more active for Mini during this time. I try to make sure that she has something fun to do each day, since it's our last summer together without a little man tagging around, but some days... I just can't and i feel so bad about it. 

I hate that some days... I just want to order pizza. Not because I want pizza, but because the idea of bending over to grab a pan literally has made me cry lately. 

I feel bad that I have made Gisele (the Pom) as lazy as me. She much rather be laying on down comforters in bed then going on a walk... and I agree. All the time.

Sometimes I just wish that all this would speed up and he would get here and I wouldn't feel all these things. But then I know these times are precious and all of these little silly things won't matter in 8 weeks and I need to just breath... and I need to just be at peace. And before I know it my complaints will be no big deal and I will be embarrassed this all mattered so much at one time.

I am so blessed. And I know that. I am blessed to be able to be pregnant. I am blessed that my husband has such a great job. I am blessed that I have such an understanding daughter. I am blessed to have a healthy baby boy growing stronger everyday. 

Now I'm done venting. And I am going to go be clinging (just as soon as he gets home)... because that's just who I am these days.

We made it to the Fair today... Gisele made it out of bed. So that was something :)