Christmas Time.

I don't know if I have a TON of love languages but my main love language is gift giving. I LOVE it. I only wished I still worked so I could get more for other people. I LOVE seeing people's faces when they get something they want. Is that weird? I really don't care.... I love it.

I already have everyone set and bought for and wrapped. The house looks like Santa had too much egg nog and puked everywhere. And I also... LOVE it.

My family tolerates it.... or at least they don't say anything, and that's okay by me.

It is probably my last year for a while that I can go all out, lord help us when Dallas starts walking. Everything will be destroyed.

I am so thankful that we finally own our house. I am grateful that we are all healthy. I am happy I can rip down walls and no one (except for maybe my husband) will say anything.....

More than anything.... I love that I get to share this season with the two most adorable children ever... and lets be honest, they really are:

My cutie patooties. 

A Full Moon.

Has it really been over a year? 

Of course. On a Full Moon, while the kids are still awake I decided to start on my scrap book of my brother and our lives together. 

I was fine. I made it an hour into it and was really doing okay. It was a happy time for me. And then I found a picture of him, 13 or 14 years old, playing in the sand... building a sand castle with one of my high school friends during summer break. 

I made it to the bathroom before I broke down, barely, but I was heart broken. I was heartbroken because of our life choices... all of us. We complicate things. A decade later, just ten years, he is dead. And ten years before hand he was content building sand castles. That. That made him happy. Sand Castle's made him happy. And within ten years he is gone. 

I feel like some times we complicate life so much we loose ourselves. We may not die but we are lost. We are gone. Because it just gets so complicated. Things, Needs, WANTS, desires, demands, all complicate our lives. We can't be happy just 'being' anymore. Our worlds are so busy and so important that peace is lost. Calm is lost. Hope... then.... is lost. Especially during this season, what is important to you? Can you sit and be happy? Maybe not building sand castles but what is your sand castle?

My Sand Castle.

Never take for granted what you have, keep it simple. Keep it happy.

Crying over Spilled Milk.

It's not my first rodeo... I should know better. I was even warned that this would happen... and yet I still was blindsided. 

I cried today. 2 am-9 am on and off. I cried. I cried when I spilled his bottle. I cried when the swing wouldn't rock fast enough. I cried when he cried. I don't know, he may have cried when I cried. It's all a little bit of a blur. 

I love him. SO. MUCH. but I also love sleep. And I have a puppy and another child and a husband and a house to care for. And I had surgery two weeks ago.... and I am failing at taking care of anyone/thing else at the moment. I call it survival mode. Mommy survival mode. 

Some how I managed to wash bottles. reschedule doctor's appointments (I shouldn't be driving) and did a load of dishes. I still am sitting surrounded by toys from my oldest. Another load of dishes. Ingredients for a cheesecake that I promised I would make. laundry that is calling my name. But, I'm probably going to sit here for a second longer (or minute. or hour) and enjoy the fact I finally got a meal today (at noon) and though my coffee is now cold, I may just finish it anyway. 

Bills do have to be paid today and Dinner needs to be made... but I have till 5 pm... right? 

Worth every sleepless night. Krystal Shaw Photography :) 

One Week Postpartum.

I worked really hard on my body during pregnancy in the hopes that recovery would be fast and I would be able to bounce back faster. I have stuck to a VERY strict clean diet since I had him, and though the bloating is still there (our uterus is 11 times the size it was pre-pregnancy and takes 3-4 weeks to back to it's normal size and weight) I am feeling great.

I am back in my pre-pregnancy jeans. and a few pounds away from my wedding weight :) 

I have three goal weights in mind and I feel like when trying to get back in shape having mini goals instead of one big one is more attainable. 

Wedding Weight is the first goal... if you couldn't tell.

Though I cannot workout for 5 more weeks, I am going to work on myself in the kitchen until then!

This week Mr. Man had his first 'real' bath... and he was a fan, at least until it was over :) How stinking cute is he??

Dallas.

I had a baby!

Finally.

I never knew how happy it would make me to have him here, but I feel like everything has fallen into place. I have the love of my life and Mini and now I feel like life is complete. Dallas has joined in perfectly.

Now if only he got the memo when bedtime was life would be AWESOME. 

For now I think I am okay with him sleeping on me. I mean look at how adorable he is:

I think I'm going to join in on nap time too.

3 Days.

I'm going to be a mom of two in three days. 

I can't wait. 

Daisy and Dallas. 

It is going to be amazing. 

I went to my final OB appointment today and we made our plans for everything pre- and post- surgery, I'm so excited. 

I have gained a total of 22 pounds this pregnancy so I'm treating myself with hot chocolate and cold pizza for breakfast. Because in three days I will be on that fun stage of post-pregnancy, getting back to my pre- (pre-) baby weight. 

It is so much harder to plan a schedule around a c-section than I thought when you have a child (and a dog) and her school and activities....

My bags are packed and by the back door. Mini's weekend is in order. But still this week is busy, full of  appointments and last minute items that need to be taken care of. Because that's what you do when you're 42 weeks pregnant. 

67 hours till He's here.... not that I'm counting or anything. 

Thank you so much Krystal Shaw for capturing this special moment!

Grown UP.

I loathe Mondays. 

Monday is when I get Mini on the bus and I sit down to do the super exciting budget/bills/grocery list/menu planning and of course try to figure out all the house cleaning for the entire week. Which never goes as planned.

Today is especially ironic. 

I am sitting here having chocolate cake and paying bills. 

The true irony of adulthood.

The old adage, 'Have your cake and eat it too....' should really say, "Budget for your cake, make a grocery list for the items you need, bake at 350 for 30 minutes, let it cool, ice it, and then have an appropriate sized piece when ready to serve... but know this, since you're an adult... you still have the option to eat it when ever you want." 

Right now I am planning the last 11 dinners before my c-section. (Unless he comes early) so I am writing out the menu, the recipes, and making the grocery list. 11 days left out of the possible 42 weeks he has incubated. And then he will be here. He will be in my arms. His face, his movements, his coo's will forever be etched into my heart, my brain, my love. It is getting so real, and yet I still can't picture it at all.

I remember the first moment I heard Mini cry. A wave of fierce protectiveness came over me, and softness all at once. I remember thinking that no one could understand how much I loved her in that moment... and it still holds true. I can't even begin to imagine loving another person in that way without my heart exploding, but I know it's going to happen. And it is going to be amazing. 

I finished my cake. I may have grabbed two more bites from the pan. With a clean fork of course. Because trying to budget this month is making my hair fall out. As an adult you immediately understand why. Don't you?

I am going to go back to being a grown up right now.... breathing through 'subtle' contractions... crying softly to myself.... maybe making myself a second cup of hot chocolate... and finishing my menu...

Because I'm a grown up. 

Love.