Substance Abuse.

Eleven years ago I would have skimmed passed that title and really not understood it. Ten years ago I would have understood it, but tried to ignore it. Eight years ago I would have already read the article attached... probably twice.

~

Many times in life we are taken to places we never imagined ourselves going too. We are usually taken to the last place we imagined ourselves being and we are forced to either learn from it or we repeat it over and over again.

That being said, in my life I have made my own choices that led me down paths that I have had to learn from and they were hard. They were invasive. They stretched me. And they eventually made me who I am today, I still am learning from them and healing from them and I am happy to know that in anyone's life there is always room for healing and growth.

But. (there is always a 'but', isn't there?) What has taken me for a ride, sometimes more than my own life choices, and definitely created a deeper constant growing pain in my life over the past decade is the life journey's of those I love around me.

~

Have you ever said, "I love you" and not known if that would be the last time they heard you say it? Or not known if those words had made it past the chemical battle going on in the other persons body? Have you ever looked at someone at 8 AM and been hugged by them and laughed with them... and then eight hours later they are cold, callus and distant? And there is nothing you can do, because you know it's the effects of something that has a much stronger hold on them than anything else in their life. It doesn't change your love for them, but you experience hurt so much deeper than you ever imagined, and they don't even know what you're feeling. They don't know what their choices (past and present) are doing to you. If you know what I'm talking about I want you to know, you are not alone. You are stronger than you think. You are a warrior. And even if they never have the ability to know your love and your hurt, they are so blessed for knowing you and having you in their life. (Even though sometimes the healthiest thing for you to do is not be there, while you are there for whatever time frame... you are an answer to a problem they don't even comprehend).

~

I have learned over the past decade that those who love drug addicts, drug abusers, substance abusers, they are silent warriors. They do not get near enough support and encouragement, and many times you don't even know what they are going through. There are more of them than you can even imagine. They wear a brave face and they try to live their lives, but when their phone rings, their heart races a little. They check police reports. They know the neighborhoods you don't want to go to like the back of their hand. They fall asleep sitting up most nights from exhaustion. They are weary. They are invincible... and most times they feel like they are barely hanging on.

~

I am rambling, but I have a lot on my mind. A lot of people. A lot of heavyhearted thoughts. A lot of love continuously going out to those that have an on going battle against something that took over their bodies long ago... and they need the love, they need the consistency, they need so much more. But it's not always easy. And it breaks your heart. Like a high school breakup, but over and over again, it breaks you. And you pick yourself back up, you wipe your tears, and you march on.... never fully being able to share your pain because it's just...too much.

I have love and have lost and still love many that have faced the ugly face of substance abuse. For some reason my life has taken that path over and over again, and I take it as a sign. After losing my brother, I knew I was meant to be apart of trying to aid in the battle against abuse. I just could not figure out in what capacity. Not until lately did something land on my heart. His heart failed because of years of weakening due to substance issues, but mine became stronger in time standing next to him, holding him, and sometimes even carrying him, 6'5" frame and all. I wasn't going to throw away a decade of research, life experiences, and an over abundance of knowledge because his battle was over, I feel like my battle has just only started.

I am going back to school. I am finishing my degree... but it won't be in finance, it's going to be in substance abuse. I want to arm myself with the education to work with loved one's that love substance abusers and I want to work with the abusers themselves. It is constantly on my heart. I pass someone in the store and I see their eyes, or the way they move their arms, the way they pause... and I know more now than I ever thought I would, and I don't want that to go to waste. I want to at least have the ability to help.

So that is my rambling. That is my heart. That is where I am. As I grieve and process the past decade, I want to arm myself with more knowledge than I ever knew before.

I will keep you all posted from time to time as I move in this new direction, but I am excited to know what my next step is, no matter how long it takes me. I know it won't be in vain.

2008. Love you kid.

33 weeks. (minus one day :))

My second mama and my second set of children (cousins) were in town today. And they forced me to eat unhealthy, fried everything food It was completely against my will... I hated every second of it. 

Seriously...

 So much fried greasy awesomeness.

And there was other real stuff I had to do. 

And then the joyous third trimester sickness/migraine hit. 

So I made my way home.... marinated my chicken (the family still has to eat...darn you migraine pain) and now I am trying to make it through blogging so I don't accidentally fall asleep before dinner is done and Mini goes to bed.... three hours and counting... not that I'm counting... 

I thought I would do a little pregnancy update:

How far along: 33 weeks!

Total weight gain: gained 10 lbs total (two since the fair.... thank you grease)

Maternity clothes: Maxi dresses and yoga pants for life.

Stretch marks: Nothing since Mini. So. Much. Cocoa Butter. But it's working!

Sleep: Ummmmmmm...... nothing for more than two hours at a time. I'm ready for these sleepless nights with Mr. Dallas. 

Best moment of this week: Will be Friday! Normal Dr. appointment, 4D ultrasound appointment, and maybe maternity pictures. It's an ALL baby day!

Miss anything: Wine... Sitting up.... without grunting.... and not having to waddle to get anywhere.

Movement: All day every day. Nonstop.

Food cravings: Ruffles chips. I don't like chips... but apparently my pregnant self does.

Anything making you queasy or sick: It just depends on the day... But it still happens more than not.

Have you started to show yet: Umm.... YES??

Gender: Boy!

Labor signs: Braxton Hicks mostly at night.

Belly button in or out: It finally made it's way out...

Wedding rings on or off: On... until about 8 pm and then it's time to come off and breath :)

Happy or moody most of the time: Happy.. but embarrassed about how tired I am all the time... I hate it. It's so not me, but it takes hold of me everyday any way....

Looking forward to: My baby shower a week from Sunday!

~

only 7 more weeks!

Preggo Problems.

I am so lucky and blessed in so many ways. And I know that, trust me... but right now, I need to vent. 

I am mad my husband hasn't had a day off since June. And that he hasn't worked under 10 hours a day since June. 

I hate that I am so emotional and clingy during this pregnancy... because I am sure it's every mans dream to be climbed on by a bulbous woman who is probably going to cry on you and smoosh you with her massively protruding stomach...boobs... and thighs. 

I hate that I cannot control my massive addiction to carbs this trimester. It is overwhelming. It is a full blown addiction..... they need to lock up carbs for their safety... from me. 

I hate that by 3 pm (noon) I am exhausted, cramping, and half asleep... even if I haven't done anything at all....

I hate that I can't be more active for Mini during this time. I try to make sure that she has something fun to do each day, since it's our last summer together without a little man tagging around, but some days... I just can't and i feel so bad about it. 

I hate that some days... I just want to order pizza. Not because I want pizza, but because the idea of bending over to grab a pan literally has made me cry lately. 

I feel bad that I have made Gisele (the Pom) as lazy as me. She much rather be laying on down comforters in bed then going on a walk... and I agree. All the time.

Sometimes I just wish that all this would speed up and he would get here and I wouldn't feel all these things. But then I know these times are precious and all of these little silly things won't matter in 8 weeks and I need to just breath... and I need to just be at peace. And before I know it my complaints will be no big deal and I will be embarrassed this all mattered so much at one time.

I am so blessed. And I know that. I am blessed to be able to be pregnant. I am blessed that my husband has such a great job. I am blessed that I have such an understanding daughter. I am blessed to have a healthy baby boy growing stronger everyday. 

Now I'm done venting. And I am going to go be clinging (just as soon as he gets home)... because that's just who I am these days.

We made it to the Fair today... Gisele made it out of bed. So that was something :)

Let them be Little.

I love being a mom. I know, I hide it well... but I really do :)

Lately I've noticed how the opinions of others is overwhelming when it comes to parenting... whether they have children or not.

I have many opinions on my own personal parenting, but they stay between me and my husband. 

(And that's how I feel it should be for everyone...)

Opinions on discipline, on rewards, on breast feeding, on diapers, on clothing, on love.... it's all YOUR opinion, and I really wish that you would keep it that way. 

If I decide to do... whatever I want as a parent, as long as it does not harm them or those around us, and my spouse is okay with it....then you can keep your opinions, thoughts, and ideas to your own children.

I have been so blessed with now two wonderful children (waiting to see the second one... 11 weeks and counting :)) and I want the best for them, I want them to be young and innocent for as long as they can be. I want to them to love life as much as possible. I want them to have memories that make them dream bigger than they even knew possible. 

I feel like nowadays there is so much pressure on education, advancement, placement that we are loosing whimsy... 

We need to remember, let them be little. Let them be young. Let them be their age.... let them become who they need to be when they need to be, at their time and their pace. 

Rainy Days.

I love this morning... Not to sound cheesy but I do. Yesterday my hubby surprised me with my birthday gift :) He's been picky about getting a perfect one, and he did great.... he forfeited his desire for a MASSIVE dog for my dream of a little dog... by about 196 pounds (Great Pyrenees vs. a Pomeranian). Yesterday we added Miss Gisele to our family!

I expected that the first night or week would be rough... but then I remembered, we have a 6 1/2 year old :) My problem was solved (I am noting a genius mommy moment).

Summer Break+Slumber Party with you're new dog= Mommy gets a few hours of sleep, Mini thinks she is a big girl staying up watching Cinderella with her new best friend, and the dog was exhausted to sleep and there was no barking!

It lasted till about 5 am but it was so worth it. Mini slept in, I snuggled Gisele, and when Mini woke up finally Gisele acted beside herself with joy that her person was awake.... Now they are playing and goofing around and I love hearing Mini so happy. I love her excitement. BUT, I love it even more that she is old enough to let out the puppy love now too.

Now while they get to play, I get to be a grown up and lay on my back (bed rest fun stuff) and pay bills, and plan meals, and do boring grown up stuff.... Thank goodness for Pinterest.

So as I try to manage a 1.5 pound of sas... a 50 pound of sas... and my pregnant OCD, I will lust after meals  I don't know how to make and outfits I can't wear yet.

I can't believe I'm in my seventh month of pregnancy... it's still crazy to me. Every week I'm worried that it is going to slow down, but it hasn't and that is fine by me.  I cannot wait for him to get here, even though we are not as prepared as I would like to be at the moment.

Forgot to post this yesterday, oops!

28 Week Update. (+3 days)

Hey there! I can't believe that Mr. Man is going to be here in less than 12 weeks! It is hitting me harder and harder these days... in a good way! I am overly excited... and feeling very unprepared. This week I get my lovely Glucose test and I have my next appt. I will fill you in on how that goes Friday but for now I thought I would do a little update.

28 Weeks.

Weight Gain: 6 pounds, but it feels like 40 these days... this belly is heavy!
Cravings: Last Night I was NEEDING pickles which hasn't happened since my first trimester!
Eating: Everything....
Exercise: Has been slacking this week, exhaustion and braxton hicks have had the best of me the past few days... and I am missing it!
Symptoms: Blue Veins on my stomach.... lovely... Mr. has found mommy's ribs this week, and really loves kicking them, and obviously I have been feeling exhausted thanks to all of that movement :) I have had severe Braxton Hicks the past week on and off, more intense than I am used too, but I am hoping that lets up over the next week (fingers crossed).
Looking forward to: My next appointment (not the Glucose test but definitely hearing Mr.'s heartbeat) and I am looking forward to our 4D ultasound coming up next month!

In this next appointment I know that she is not wanting to set up our c-section date in stone yet, but by our next appointment (end of July) we should finally know! (not that I'm impatient to schedule it or anything). Thanks to our fabulous planning we have school starting around my due date and other important things and I have to be strategic in my planning over the next 12 weeks... and as most people know pregnancy brain makes that 10x harder! Get out the over sized calendar and sharpies! Mommy is going to be planning her butt off.

I can't believe that we are already almost at the end of June and I feel like summer break just started! I have had such a great time with Mini and I hope the rest of the summer is filled with fun, more sunshine than this rain we've been having, and lots of memories :)

I hope you all had a great weekend, Happy Sunday!

C-section Hospital Bag.

I am getting excited about Mr. Man coming but lately have had a few complications that have definitely made me worry... I want him to hold on for 8 more weeks... then if he needs too, he can come :)

Until then my doctor wants me to be prepared now that I am in my third trimester. Since I had complications with my first pregnancy they are going to schedule my c-section for me this time around. So I have gathered a list of must-haves for myself now that I know what I need to be prepared.... I may be over prepared but I hate hospitals and I want to be 'at home' as possible during my stay.

Must Have Packing List:

1. Slippers (Socks and also flip flops for the shower)

2. Robe (I went with a light cotton robe)

3. Toiletries (including makeup, lotion, hair care, tooth care, etc)

4. Night gowns, something that will fit you at 6/7 months (after your c-section you will still have a bump be prepared for that, and stay away from pj sets that have bottoms with elastic around your incision)

5. Maxi dress to go home in (a size larger than my pre-pregnancy size)

6. Magazines; you're going to be exhausted so reading a book is out of the question for me....

7. Snacks; you don't really want to rely on the hospital for quality food. I am bringing healthy items (Higher in fiber... trust me)

8. My own blankets and pillows, lots of pillows.... you are going to need them to be able to sleep comfortably, for your incision on the way home, and in case anyone makes you laugh while you are enjoying your stay.

9. Camera, Phone, chargers for both, an extra memory card, and laptop (and make sure you have Netflix ready to go just in case you can't sleep when you're angel is :))

10. Your ID and insurance for both you and your partner

11. A gift for the older sibling(s), something that is from both you and their new sibling.

12. A carseat (and make sure you have your base already set up in your 'going home' vehicle.

13. Post c-section belly binder, I am ordering a Squeem but I know that there are many options out there. I did my research and for me (and my long torso) the Squeem seemed like the best option for me.

14. I am bringing a 'well wishes' book for any/all of our visitors to leave a special message to Mr. after his delivery that he can read when he is older.

I also am packing my Diaper bag with all of Mr.'s starting items we will need during our stay and for our drive home:

1. Two outfits, I am bringing a sleeper and a gown

2. Mittens, socks, and a hat

3. receiving blankets and burp clothes

4. Toiletries of your choice (and wet wipes if you do not prefer the ones that the hospital supplies)

5. First aid kit, just in case someone is born with long nails :)

And you can't forget your partners... since they probably won't be thinking about packing until it's time to leave:

1. My husband is packing a fold out cot for himself along with blankets and pillows from home

2. Slippers and two changes of clothes (air on the side of comfort)

3. Toiletries

4. A new daddy gift (my version of a push present for daddy)

5. Moscato... okay that is more for me, but it's going in his bag

Happy packing fellow mama's to be!

Maxi Dresses have been a lifesaver these days!!