I'm going through changes [Pt 2]

So......... still 30.

Opens a Trinidad from Fanny Mae because I do life RIGHT.

Also, cracks open a beer... because wine hurts my belly. [GERD]

Dear Mrs. Smith:

You're 30 so here is Low T... which includes: Cystic Acne, facial hair, low 'snuggle' drive, exhaustion, and EXTREME anger. Here is a shot in the ass once a month. *gets shot in ass* [allergic to the cottonseed oil in shot- pukes and has injection rejected throughout the body for three weeks]

Still has a beard..... still has massive zits creating pain only Satan himself would wish upon me. [I know you're still making me pay for what I did freshman year *never forget* cue me brushing me beard out]

Hello 30 year old Bethanie.. with an IE. 

IE unlike any other Bethany ever born, ever. 

Fun story... I was born with an insanely massive tongue. Like, so big I have permanent teeth marks on my tongue from childhood. Like, I had a lisp I STILL battle controlling circa 1989 [your boo at 2 years old]... and it's STILL not adorable.

Please-for my years of crippling social anxiety, introversion, and self doubt say, 'Bethanie Nicole Nicolas' with a strong lisp, ten times fast. 

YEAHHHHHH, sign me up for therapy *1997*

[doesn't actually make it to therapy till 2006-damage is already done.... *too f-ed up to solve worlds problems, get's a pizza instead- orders self help books on Prime, falls asleep early, immediately after meditation app completes session*7 PM*]

God, you're STILL 30. 

My daughter's response to love shit.... she gets it... more than most adults. #getitgirl

Do your boobs hang low? [PT. 1]

Hey y'all. It's been a minute. Sorry. Not sorry, I gave myself some time to grieve, go insane, and find myself again.... thank you for the patient 2 years. Mama needed it.

So, I did a thing last year... and I need to come clean about it.

I turned 30. 

I'm not kidding you.....

It came out of left field and slapped me straight across my face. Have any of you turned 30? Like DO YOU KNOW what it means to turn 30?

I know it's been a while, but I'm going to tell you what happened to me when I turned 30 if that's ok?

K, don't care-I'm doing it.

PART 1:

Turns 30:

I workout, I take care of my body, I only eat bad on the weekends. 

I had two kids, but that's all.

I drink but only on the weekends.

I run but only towards candy and pizza....

I mean... like... you get it, I was good enough to be the best mediocre me. And I liked it. 

Wakes up June 12, 2017....

*THUMP*

Boobs FALL to the ground, rolling out of bed. Lifts them to a tight roll, tucked with precision under my armpits and taped tightly to my back.... YES, back. As a mom you find that out of sight, out of mind is the best when it comes to any unneeded extremity. And after two kids, lets be honest... dem boobies are definitely unneeded. 

(They have done their time)

Gets dressed.

Notices butt bubble has deflated. Cries a little but gets it. Gravity. Does 20 extra squats [on the way to biscuits and gravy]

Thoroughly enjoys the full serving of biscuits and gravy.

Live yo life bae. 

------

Today is the beginning of something fierce, baby.. you are 30. You are a beast. You DO you. 

Enjoys a probiotic.... drinks digestive tea. Thinks about the Starbucks Pink drink calling your name. [light ice because you ain't no fool] 

You DO you........

To be continued-

Because Yesterdog knows my true self. Bitch.

Well Hello There...

Isn't it weird how you have a baby and then boom! They are a year old. That is how I feel. The past year has been so fun, busy, and full of new adventures. 

Today provoked me to sit back down in front of my screen. It just has been to long. I have been yearning to take the time to do so, but I kept making excuses, being too tired, or just trying to make it through to the next crazy day. But today, I am sitting down. In between Walking Dead and Gotham, this is happening. 

Last month Little man decided to headbutt me before bedtime, collapsing the rest of my already deviated septum. So I went to get it fixed last Wednesday. I can breathe now, but I am miserable. This is not a surgery I would recommend for people with small children. It's done with now though... no going back. 

There was this sweet moment today, I was standing in the kitchen (I can't smell or taste anything thanks to the surgery) and I was trying to figure out dinner. Little man was standing screaming holding onto my legs (his molar is coming in, the last of four) his nap wasn't near long enough. Mini Me and I were trying to keep him happy. In that moment, the dogs were whining because the baby is upset, the cat was trying to snuggle him, Mini was trying to bribe him with Barbies... and my legs were his personal snot-filled jungle gym, I really thought about how I needed a walk in closet. Not for clothes but for hiding. And meditating. I need to make sure there is a wine fridge in there.... and a TV with Netflix. Crap, I'm a mom.... there is no time for Netflix and Chill between 4:30 AM and 8 PM... and then again not allowed between around 12 AM-2 AM depending on if Little Man wants to sleep or party. 

The kitchen day dreaming passed, and the dogs calmed. The cat found a chair to sleep in. Little Man took the bribe and was content with the Barbie. Mini and I stood in the kitchen eating chicken fries and garlic bread... because it is Monday. There is no rhyme or reason to today, other than we are happy, we are healthy, and we are together...

Tomorrow is another day, and I cannot wait to see what it holds for my gang. 

Great to connect again! 

2015.

Happy New Year!

I can't believe that we are welcoming this year with two kids. A house (mid-renovation) and currently enjoying a snow day.

2014 was very interesting. It definitely was a time of growth, joy, and changes.... I can't wait to see what 2015 has to hold for us. I am not going to lie I am ready for a relaxing, fun, calm year. I'm all for that. 

This year we have so much to be thankful for, and even though I don't like the whole 'resolution' thing, I am trying to make changes (permanent) in my life for the better everyday... for myself, for my husband, and for my babies. 

Healthier life.

Happier life.

I am soaking in every moment of it. The kids are changing so much, it chokes me up... but I love it. Watching Mini pursue her academic goals, and surpassing them. Enjoying being a kid. Mr. D Is pushing himself up, giggling uncontrollably and making sure that we all know he HATES teething.

We have half a kitchen. A wall broken down. Flooring ready to be installed. Our second bathroom almost done, after tonight. So many fun changes and things to look forward too. 

Above all, we are all healthy, happy, and enjoying life. 

Today we are being lazy. We are snuggled in. It's below negative four.... watching movies, building legos, taking naps, blogging.... thinking about cleaning.... and trying to stay warm.

I hope you all have had an amazing start to the new year. I'm waiting with anticipation to see what all comes.

Christmas Time.

I don't know if I have a TON of love languages but my main love language is gift giving. I LOVE it. I only wished I still worked so I could get more for other people. I LOVE seeing people's faces when they get something they want. Is that weird? I really don't care.... I love it.

I already have everyone set and bought for and wrapped. The house looks like Santa had too much egg nog and puked everywhere. And I also... LOVE it.

My family tolerates it.... or at least they don't say anything, and that's okay by me.

It is probably my last year for a while that I can go all out, lord help us when Dallas starts walking. Everything will be destroyed.

I am so thankful that we finally own our house. I am grateful that we are all healthy. I am happy I can rip down walls and no one (except for maybe my husband) will say anything.....

More than anything.... I love that I get to share this season with the two most adorable children ever... and lets be honest, they really are:

My cutie patooties. 

A Full Moon.

Has it really been over a year? 

Of course. On a Full Moon, while the kids are still awake I decided to start on my scrap book of my brother and our lives together. 

I was fine. I made it an hour into it and was really doing okay. It was a happy time for me. And then I found a picture of him, 13 or 14 years old, playing in the sand... building a sand castle with one of my high school friends during summer break. 

I made it to the bathroom before I broke down, barely, but I was heart broken. I was heartbroken because of our life choices... all of us. We complicate things. A decade later, just ten years, he is dead. And ten years before hand he was content building sand castles. That. That made him happy. Sand Castle's made him happy. And within ten years he is gone. 

I feel like some times we complicate life so much we loose ourselves. We may not die but we are lost. We are gone. Because it just gets so complicated. Things, Needs, WANTS, desires, demands, all complicate our lives. We can't be happy just 'being' anymore. Our worlds are so busy and so important that peace is lost. Calm is lost. Hope... then.... is lost. Especially during this season, what is important to you? Can you sit and be happy? Maybe not building sand castles but what is your sand castle?

My Sand Castle.

Never take for granted what you have, keep it simple. Keep it happy.

Crying over Spilled Milk.

It's not my first rodeo... I should know better. I was even warned that this would happen... and yet I still was blindsided. 

I cried today. 2 am-9 am on and off. I cried. I cried when I spilled his bottle. I cried when the swing wouldn't rock fast enough. I cried when he cried. I don't know, he may have cried when I cried. It's all a little bit of a blur. 

I love him. SO. MUCH. but I also love sleep. And I have a puppy and another child and a husband and a house to care for. And I had surgery two weeks ago.... and I am failing at taking care of anyone/thing else at the moment. I call it survival mode. Mommy survival mode. 

Some how I managed to wash bottles. reschedule doctor's appointments (I shouldn't be driving) and did a load of dishes. I still am sitting surrounded by toys from my oldest. Another load of dishes. Ingredients for a cheesecake that I promised I would make. laundry that is calling my name. But, I'm probably going to sit here for a second longer (or minute. or hour) and enjoy the fact I finally got a meal today (at noon) and though my coffee is now cold, I may just finish it anyway. 

Bills do have to be paid today and Dinner needs to be made... but I have till 5 pm... right? 

Worth every sleepless night. Krystal Shaw Photography :)