Amazon Prime is One Hell of a Drug

You know what I love? I love sitting down to write-and easily ADD/Gemini destract myself to such a point that I go from watching Jane the Virgin to looking up side affects for a bladder infection [I have one and just started taking my prescription..... yes I feel like I'm dying TMI] to some how ending up on a google search tracking down a current picture of Bryan Adams wife.. 

Fact: She is one of the prettiest people I've ever seen. Also, she doesn't age.... also I think it's time for some fillers because at 43 she looks younger than me.... at 31. [I'm not going to do it.... it was a joke, kind of. Maybe in 6 months.] 

googles: Cecilie Thomsen anti-aging tips and tricks

googles: how to sell soul to devil for never ending youth

googles: how to pray and ask God to forgive you after you are tempted to sell your soul for something so damn vain

(amazon primes a new self improvement book and a daily journal to find inner beauty)

THAT MY FRIENDS, is the rabbit hole that is my brain. 

It has been exactly 7 minutes since I sat down to write. Yeah. Imagine living with me........

It's a trip.

So, yeah, I have a bladder infection. Painful. I know, you didn't want to know-but now you know. 

tempted to post on Facebook: accepting warm dinners and massage appointments during this rough time of my life. Can't do life. Have bladder infection. 

Have I mentioned sometimes I am a little dramatic and super needy? 

On top of my infection, the filling I got a few months back isn't working, the nerve sensitivity is extremely disheartening..... you would think that would hinder my binge eating, but I've figured my way around it. Don't worry-I'm not starving over here.... 

sets down pizza [no one is surprised anymore] googles self help books for binge eating.

Ok, I'm back..... amazon prime is one hell of a drug. LET ME TELL YOU.

Veers to the other side of my brain never to return to any of the previous topics again

Amazon Prime.....

I need a vacuum.... Mini wants a skateboard.... Dallas has a Lego set waiting for him after he potty trains some more.... the dog has weight gainer.... and our entire family wardrobe for our family pictures.... all can be here in two days. If that isn't magic.... I don't know what is. But bisch is addicting. Therefore, I stand by my statement-she a drug.

And I'm here for it.

I am not alone in this thought process, am I?

Now, I actually have to work.... and do work things, and do laundry, and prep dinner because this is the golden hour at home.... it is 'LIBRARY TIME' aka go take a nap so I can clean up after our crafting morning and the mess that has been left by the Toddler and his sister. 

Wish me luck....

I have an hour to turn this place around and work. 

Halp.

If looks could kill....
 'when your sister is in a bad mood and you walk half an acre [carrying your chair] to go be near her and hug her and say I love you and she's NOT into it.'

The Outsiders.

When I was in seventh grade I had the most interesting man come into my life. He was my teacher. He taught me how to love reading. He taught me how to have a voice. And he taught me to not give a damn.[something I had to relearn many times over throughout the years] but he was at the forefront of so many things I have become now.

He introduced me to the book, The Outsiders, midway through my school year in seventh grade. He had a feeling I would like it. He was right. It took me about a day of tears, laughter and heart wrenching pain to finish it. And then I read it again.... little did I know how much that book would mean to me as I got older. 

A few years after I read the book, I gave it to my brother to read. He loved reading and instantly agreed this was 'our book'.... because we had a very codependent relationship and did literally everything together.... and I am so glad we did. 

As I went through some of the trials of life and heartache with him later on in our lives, I started calling him 'Ponyboy', from the book. It just was a thing. He was the youngest. He was a genius [based on IQ, not me bragging] but he struggled within himself to find his purpose and to find who he was. 

A phrase used in the book, was, "Stay gold" they used this phrase as the urban dictionary describes, as to say stay innocent and pure.... their way of saying good bye. 

We both loved that phrase, and I used to say that to him.... especially when he was going through a hard time... struggling with his demons.... I always felt that it was a way to bring him back. 

After he passed away, I knew-I believe-that same day, if I was to memorialize him on my body I could only ever get that phrase.

Stay Gold. 

Silly to think I used it so many times to bring him back, and now it is a phrase I tell myself to bring myself back to the present when I am missing him so much it hurts every part of me. 

Stay Gold. 

It may mean nothing to anyone else, but to me it means the world. 

So yesterday with two of my favorite people I finally got my tattoo for him.

It had to be in typewriter font, because that boy loved his typewriter more than many people knew. And that was just one of the adorable things about him. 

emo selfie. 

The morning after.

The shade I am, is a shade of red I never thought I would be.

This is coming as a shock to me in a way that not even the Spice Girls breaking up or the final season of Sex in the City gave me....

[that is a blatant exaggeration, both of those events ended me in therapy... I wish I was joking]

I am burnt.

I am burnteth.

I am feeling the burn.

I am that thing that happens to so many people I used to pity. I AM SUN BURNT.

I saw myself turning slowly into a tomato and rashly thought to myself, 'boo, you ALWAYS turn brown in the morning.... you got this baby.' But I was wrong.

[Yes, I call myself boo... it makes me feel loved, and wanted, and cherished. OK?]

I was DEAD wrong.

I am awake.

And I am not brown.

So I am rallying for story time at the library.... trying to find a way to wear a bra and not cry from the crispy pain I know is inevitable.....

I can do this.... I will do this for my babies. 

I will get that library card Mini has been pining over....

I will pat the name drum for the Toddler when he refuses too...

I will make it through the glitter and the glue and the crafting. 

I will LIKE IT.

I will not like it, but I will do it. 

But enough with my pain......

As I sit here and write, I hear this little squeaky, "hey mom... hey mama?? I love you. Is that impossible?"

No babe, that is not impossible that is perfect.

And I have one of those devastating thoughts, what will it be like when he's off to college and I don't hear those random 'I love you's' from the kitchen anymore.......... 

This is what life is about. 

Don't forget it. 

It's a million degrees out....

As I slowly ride this power wheel back to the garage.... I really contemplate my life.....

Who am I?

I am a 31 year old mother of two riding a GMC power wheel back to the garage before a storm because I'm to tired to push it 100 ft back. What does that make me? I don't know.... and I don't really care as long as there is a beer at the end of this ride.

It has only been four weeks...... how? I feel as though it's been a year since school was in session. It honestly has been a blast, but it's been long. Do you guys relate?

It has been hands down the most relaxing break, ever.

But have I mentioned....I have a strong willed toddler??

Someone hand me a beer. 

Also, I am still sore from yesterday's 3 minute jump session in the trampoline. What has my body become? [eats my forth piece of pizza of the day]

I haven't given up, I'm just accepting that I am living my best life.

I am proud to report that I have FINALLY recovered from the hangover of 2018.... 6 days later.... fully. I am not a 'shots' kind of girl.... but I pride myself on my efforts. I am no quitter.

THANK. GOD. I finally got the stupid thing in the garage. That. WAS. A workout..... *adds workout to myfitnesspal* god I am #fitnessgoals.....

On to my HIIT workout, we're doing arms today reps on reps of this weighted beer curl, making sure to use equal weights in each arm....... I may DOUBLE fist. For my workout. You know. Duh. #fitmom.

I am sorry, I hate being one of 'those girls' always talking about working out, but I want to inspire others in my quest for total body transformation.

Happy Monday gals, we've got this.

Blocking all those haters that say you can't have a good time working out.

I'm the worst.

I'm sorry.... I have been MIA. But I have a ton of excuses, that I will not bore you with.

So, yesterday... a Tuesday.... was my birthday.

It was a great day. The kids were so sweet and then when my husband got home he and I went to eat and shop.....

Then went to a snazzy bar after dinner and randomly ran into some awesome gals that wanted to help me celebrate my day, and they did.

----------------------------------------------------------


And I just woke up in my Spanx.... tennis bracelet..... and lashes.....

I feel ridiculous..... 

 I just made myself a large lemon grass tea and salad.... accompanied by a big bowl of shame.

So, this is 31.......

I am going to take my Spanx off and take my probiotics and rally..... 

Potty training is going to be a blast today. 

Ok, I am done rambling.... [lol who am I kidding?]

unrolls the spanx off my body..... takes my pride and places it back where it belongs, sips tea.

As I write I am sitting here watching RHONY high lights on Youtube and feeling myself coming back to my normal boring self. Thank. God. 

UPDATE:

I started this blog at 8 am and now am finishing up now... at 5..... PM. 

I can't do hangovers at 31 with two kids who decided to fight all day....

I can't put their trampoline together in the back yard hungover either, but I got it almost done... because I'm stupid. 

So, all in all the first day of 31 is really making me feel like the first day of my 21st.... and no one wants that. 

Happy Wednesday babes. Don't do what I did.

During. After. 

My birthday. I miss you.

Every year since my brother died I have had such a hard time celebrating my birthday. I cry every year.... I didn't understand fully why, for the first couple of years... but I finally started to understand after the third year. I feel selfish being able to still celebrate my birthday.... 

I know, that sounds stupid to anyone that has not lost someone close, but I really do feel that if you have, you get it. 

It is so heart breaking to think about I am sure, no matter who you are, but until you have to live it... you will never understand. 

I wake up on my birthday, and I cry. I cry because I have two wonderful babies that are so excited to celebrate me... a family that wants to plan something, a husband that wants to do something special, friends that want to do something for it... and I know that no matter what, I am still going to have a heaviness in my heart that entire day. NOT because I do not appreciate all that I have, I do more than I can express... but because he is not here. He will not be here for my 30's, 40's, 50's.... and that sucks.

IT SUCKS.

I want to scream it. Sometimes. But I don't.... I hide in the bathroom, cry into a towel for about 15 minutes-until the babies wake up. And then I rally, because who wants to remember their mom crying every damn birthday??

So, this is that depressing post I try to steer clear of, but it is life.... and I write about life... the cute, the stupid, the real, the funny, and yes-sometimes the sad. 

Can I be me for a second? Please don't judge to harshly....

I miss him so much I ache.... I miss having a best friend sibling. I miss the text messages, I miss the stupid calls, I miss the just because... I miss the hugs.... I miss the secrets.... I miss the, US. Damn it. I walk around every day feeling an emptiness. I am so grateful for the people that include me because they know my sadness.... I'll never be able to thank them enough. But, I hope everyone with a sibling knows-I hope you LOVE the shit out of them. I hope you feel grateful for them, even when they upset you... and please, love on those that have lost their own whenever you can... because we need it, more than you know.

I love you all. Thank you for putting up with my awkwardness. 

B

Tears over here: 

Family night the summer before he passed away.

We were a mess... and I loved it. (5'7" an 6'5")

Us and the ex wife lol 

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.

He was just my best friend ever. He let me be weird. He loved me. No matter what. 

I miss laughing with him

I miss being near him.

Damn it. I thought this would be easier.... can you all just love someone with all your heart for me. Yes, I'm balling my eyes out... and yes I hate missing him. I hate feeling alone after feeling so complete with him around. Just, please, love as much as you can. 

So we got a Meijer.

Big news in the big city to the north of me.... and by big city, I mean the city that I lived in up until about a year ago. The big city in total is just shy of 32,000 people... not huge. So, obviously getting a Meijer was trending like a mofo for about two weeks straight on my FB feed. 

I didn't go to the opening. 

I didn't go the first week.

I was excited because the populous was excited.... and they carry my favorite pair of jeans. But that was pretty much the extent of my excitement. 

So, I went. I went with the babies and my bestie. And it was fun, but then I left. And I reflected. I do that sometimes. 

And I've had a few days to really think about it. I hate change, small change, big change.... I had my Blackberry till they told me I couldn't anymore with my plan. And I cried about it.... I'm not kidding I CRIED about it, for a long while. I'll stick with something till it is not worth sticking with, because I hate change. 

[I'm just letting you know this, because that might be were all these feelings are coming from, and maybe I'll regret it in six months] 

But here is how I feel:

Bigger isn't always better-unless we're talking about pasta, movie theater popcorn, or good pizza. 

I have standards. [which seem to solely revolve around food....]

The Meijer is closer to me than Target... but guess what?? I have chosen Target every damn time since I went. It is HOME to my SOUL. It is where I feel peace. It is where I go to feel accepted. Target has loved me at my worst. Target has loved me when I didn't deserve love. Target pulses through my veins.... and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I won't quit you.... Target.... and I know you won't quit me. 

So, I'm not impressed Meijer.... I'm NOT impressed. For now. Maybe forever. 

Knowledge. Dropped.

It Goes to 11.

God, I really want to lie to you right now. I want to tell you that I totally spaced sharing this post... that it was already written yesterday [on time]... I want to lie to you, but I can't. I won't. You DESERVE the truth. 

Yesterday was a monster day, I just was miserable with allergies-they really have gotten me shookith and all I want to do is claw my eyes out all day. 

AND today, today I actually had half the day with just my Mini and it was AWESOME. Even though we spent most of it grocery shopping, which I loath. It was SO nice to not have to break up a sibling fight almost all day. And honestly, it was such a good day that I wasn't sure this blog was even going to go up today.... but then little man came home, the TODDLER entered the front door. And he was demanding that I remove the chocolate from his lactose free milk that he had just ask me to put in.... and he was trying to steal his sisters jewelry box.... and just like that-I was back in mommy reality. Which I love more than anything, but it is real life... and real life is not perfect.

I had to make a final stop before settling in for the night, and on the way the kiddos requested music. I knew just what to do... since the Toddler had not slept-and was a bit of a sass- I knew I could get away with playing his night, night music and let him pass out a little bit early. So, in true Toddler form, I played his never fail play list of songs. I found out at a young age, the only type of music that would soothe him in the car was rap.... and over the years that fact has NEVER changed. 

DRAM-Broccoli, Amine-Caroline, and Kyle-iSpy..... does. the. trick.

Youtube them... if you want.... I LITERALLY give zero craps if you judge me. It's just music, which is art, which I support because I'm not a soulless demon.  [Are you??]

My dad used to quote a saying that I live my life the exact opposite to, because it always PISSED me off so much as a child and now even more so as an adult. Because he was wrong in my opinion and the quote was the antithesis of how I am raising my children: 

"If you're too open minded your brain will fall out."

Like, EW, just typing it made me feel gross. LIKE EW. Wtf is that telling our kids, wtf did it tell us as kids. I know it messed with my brother his entire life until he passed. AKA, DON'T accept anything unless your parents tell you too..... yeah no, I'm going to have to pass on that. 

Do you feel gross? I feel gross. pauses to take a shower, hug my babies, tells them they can do anything, tells myself loving things, comes back to computer.

The Toddler fell asleep midway through the second song, and is still out. I know what I'm doing.... half the time.... ok 10% of the time... with advice and love and forgiveness.

But it worked. And I'm grateful.

So, this sure is a rambling blog... and I am fine with it. Moral of the story, don't be an ass. Be open. Raise open minded kids. Be loving. Love with an open mind and an open heart, I promise it's worth it. 

Rant over. is it really ever over with me? that is a solid NOPE, but for today, you are relieved of your duty.

So, as I sit here.... I am wondering. How do you guys feel about a live video this Sunday? A get ready with me video maybe? I don't know... I'm just spit balling over here. We will see. 

Maybe that is a next week thing.....

I'm so rude.