I'm going through changes [Pt 2]

So......... still 30.

Opens a Trinidad from Fanny Mae because I do life RIGHT.

Also, cracks open a beer... because wine hurts my belly. [GERD]

Dear Mrs. Smith:

You're 30 so here is Low T... which includes: Cystic Acne, facial hair, low 'snuggle' drive, exhaustion, and EXTREME anger. Here is a shot in the ass once a month. *gets shot in ass* [allergic to the cottonseed oil in shot- pukes and has injection rejected throughout the body for three weeks]

Still has a beard..... still has massive zits creating pain only Satan himself would wish upon me. [I know you're still making me pay for what I did freshman year *never forget* cue me brushing me beard out]

Hello 30 year old Bethanie.. with an IE. 

IE unlike any other Bethany ever born, ever. 

Fun story... I was born with an insanely massive tongue. Like, so big I have permanent teeth marks on my tongue from childhood. Like, I had a lisp I STILL battle controlling circa 1989 [your boo at 2 years old]... and it's STILL not adorable.

Please-for my years of crippling social anxiety, introversion, and self doubt say, 'Bethanie Nicole Nicolas' with a strong lisp, ten times fast. 

YEAHHHHHH, sign me up for therapy *1997*

[doesn't actually make it to therapy till 2006-damage is already done.... *too f-ed up to solve worlds problems, get's a pizza instead- orders self help books on Prime, falls asleep early, immediately after meditation app completes session*7 PM*]

God, you're STILL 30. 

My daughter's response to love shit.... she gets it... more than most adults. #getitgirl

Do your boobs hang low? [PT. 1]

Hey y'all. It's been a minute. Sorry. Not sorry, I gave myself some time to grieve, go insane, and find myself again.... thank you for the patient 2 years. Mama needed it.

So, I did a thing last year... and I need to come clean about it.

I turned 30. 

I'm not kidding you.....

It came out of left field and slapped me straight across my face. Have any of you turned 30? Like DO YOU KNOW what it means to turn 30?

I know it's been a while, but I'm going to tell you what happened to me when I turned 30 if that's ok?

K, don't care-I'm doing it.

PART 1:

Turns 30:

I workout, I take care of my body, I only eat bad on the weekends. 

I had two kids, but that's all.

I drink but only on the weekends.

I run but only towards candy and pizza....

I mean... like... you get it, I was good enough to be the best mediocre me. And I liked it. 

Wakes up June 12, 2017....

*THUMP*

Boobs FALL to the ground, rolling out of bed. Lifts them to a tight roll, tucked with precision under my armpits and taped tightly to my back.... YES, back. As a mom you find that out of sight, out of mind is the best when it comes to any unneeded extremity. And after two kids, lets be honest... dem boobies are definitely unneeded. 

(They have done their time)

Gets dressed.

Notices butt bubble has deflated. Cries a little but gets it. Gravity. Does 20 extra squats [on the way to biscuits and gravy]

Thoroughly enjoys the full serving of biscuits and gravy.

Live yo life bae. 

------

Today is the beginning of something fierce, baby.. you are 30. You are a beast. You DO you. 

Enjoys a probiotic.... drinks digestive tea. Thinks about the Starbucks Pink drink calling your name. [light ice because you ain't no fool] 

You DO you........

To be continued-

Because Yesterdog knows my true self. Bitch.